Facebook Ate My Marriage

By Leah Maxwell Good communication is the foundation of a solid relationship, and a spouse who not only talks but listens well to his or her partner will earn a stronger marriage for the effort. But what do you do if your heart is in the right place, yet your words are coming out all wrong? We asked experts for their best tips on what not to say to your spouse, as well as advice for communicating more effectively overall. Their insight into what makes people tick might shed some light on how to improve your own relationship. Men and women communicate differently, and that can lead to some pretty major misunderstandings, says Mary Kelly Blakeslee, PhD, a couples therapist in New Jersey.

The key to bridging that gap: But be careful not to overestimate your ability to predict what your partner needs from you. Asking about and sharing those feelings openly and during non-stressful times can help both husbands and wives step up when the going gets rough. Blakeslee emphasizes the importance of couples giving each other their full attention when discussing sensitive matters. Couples should work more on giving time to conversation, Blakeslee says.

Can we talk about it after I finish this letter for work? Doyle has a no-fail suggestion: Nothing can be better than something. At times, the best thing you can say is nothing at all. She advises husbands especially to understand the idea that sometimes women just want to talk, not diagnose or problem-solve or be psychoanalyzed.

Blakeslee urges spouses to remember that at the heart of it all, the relationship was founded on love. There is no such thing as closure when you open up that door on Facebook. I had to have been going through some kind of female mid-life crisis. We were together for only 3 years, but our relationship changed my life forever. It took a lot of effort to break up and he stalked me for months until finally he moved on.

I am still trying to figure it out. I almost lost my family over it. I feel that it has something to do with being a co-dependent and wanting to go back and fix things. I also feel that maybe I wanted him to see what he missed. Not that I am some great catch but he showed up confessing that I was the one that got away and it felt good for a while. My marriage is on the verge of ending. Three weeks after getting married I found my husband sneaking and talking to a girl he went to high school with. He even went to see her. When I confronted him he made me out to be the bad guy.

We used to share a Facebook but recently separated them. Since then I found him talking to another girl. He took the lock off when I confronted him. What should I do? I just want his honesty! Your Husband is not married anymore in his fantasies. Get out now and find a real man who knows how to be faithful and make you his queen! My husband is a serial cheater.

I am trying still to this day to get past it all and move on. It is not OK for your husband to have friends on FB that he cheated on you with, right? Or even slept with in the past? He thinks it is no big deal lol. Please give me any normal insight. No it is not OK for him to continue a FB relationship with someone he cheated on with you during your relationship. Why are you allowing your husband to treat you this way? I am sure you are a good person and you deserve better. Life is too short. My husband thinks that I am crazy for wanting him to delete certain women from his Facebook.

These are women with whom I am not friends in real life not on Facebook. He lived a life of drug abuse for over half his life and has never been married until me. These women are not a part of his daily life other than Facebook. There are a couple that will hit like or love on anything he posts, no matter what. He could post a pile of dog poop and they are going to hit like. He has a tendency to hit like on individual pictures of them but not pictures that include their family or spouse if they have one. There have been private message conversations as well with a few. Not anything dirty but to a point where I see easily an emotional connection could be established.

He just says I am petty and childish, that hurts. What do I do? He has so many passwords. Sometimes ignorance is bliss and sometimes is just plain stupidity! Hi Pat, I do not have FB anymore…my relationship suffered because of it. My wife however still has FB and because of the past issues with me and FB we decided to create a mutual one, very plain and simple. However she still retains hers and has her settings at the highest so whenever she changes profile pics I cannot see the likes or comments made by her friends.

She says I am not in the place to start viewing because of my jealousy issues. Though she does tell me when men are inappropriate with messages or comments and she would block or delete them. She likes to change up her profile and background pic quite often and most pics of hers are gorgeous. I trust her but not the other men. Btw her personality is very nice and friendly which I would think some men on her FB take it the way that they could try to pick her up…makes me mad.

Jason, I too am very jealous and have trust issues which I feel, no, I know, stems from my cheating. I have always been pretty jealous which actually started from my ex who I cheated with. When we were younger me in my teens and him in his early twenties it was like a game to him trying to make me jealous. Which I know is stupid. But I feel that being put in a position where an inappropriate opportunity could slither in should be avoided at all costs.

Facebook is good at fooling us into not being as accountable as if we were in person. But I GET it. So in turn, we know ourselves and we are sickened by what we did. But if us, why not them? But our insecurities are from us. My husband had a page and it was private and I kept asking him for a friend request and I asked him why is his page private.

He is so defensive he would never give me a straight answer. He page was private but I could still see who his friends were and there she was his old high school girlfriend and he still lied about her.

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I left him for awhile and we got back together. One night I wanted some ice cream he went to the store to get it. His Facebook was up and I went to his messages.

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By myself with him cheating on Facebook all day! My husband cheated on me and I wanted to try to work things out. If he runs out to the store for 10 minutes he shuts it down. On Facebook if one of his friends posts a crude photo he always has to make a comment ,as if its a turn on. I just feel like I look like the biggest fool on the planet. I think Facebook especially is a menace. Well, he has lots of ex lovers and many friend him yes it kisses me off because he cheated on me with these people a long time ago … what I hate most is no matter how open and honest he is with his account, it seems Facebook keeps changing the way its messenger works to HELP cheaters hide stuff.

Blaming the technology just gives people a pass for poor behavior. People need to take responsibility for their actions and not blame a tool. She installed snapchat because one of her friends told her it was the new way to go. For months I never suspected its use because i didnt understand that it clears history automatically. Married for 10 years, together for 13, 2 kids and just by chance I see a message that would have cleared without me knowing. If your spouse uses snapchat a lot and is protective of their phone, things might not be all good any more.

How insecure do you have to be to let Facebook ruin your life? What a ridiculous statement. The Facebook user involved in inappropriate behavior is responsible for a concern, conversation, argument, breakup, divorce. Many people have spouses with a limited moral compass, or someone going through a midlife crisis, for starters. That is a disaster waiting to happen. The woman does not even know my name, never met me and sure does not know my marriage history.

I started a Facebook page about five years ago. Everything about it seemed to be fine between me and my wife until she stated she wanted to use it. Thus she would also need the password. I gave her the password but over the past three years or so, her Facebook activity has grown to be so much more than my own.

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She has added about 50 friends of her own. My activity on this Facebook page has reduced to almost nothing as I have other endeavors. So she essentially has co-opted my Facebook page. Yesterday, I decided with advice from several friends at work to change the name from Douglas to Linda her name. She should have gotten her own. Tell her to get her own. Close the account and then let Linda do her own thing on her own dime.

There seems to be more to this weird ID thing that what it seems. Tell Linda you did not like what was going on. Some married people sometimes forget the whole point of being married, that your first priority is your spouse along with a duty to love, honor, respect, and be loyal. We all do strange and sometimes destructive stuff. If our spouse complains about our bad behavior, they are not the bad guy.

My husband is a wonderful man, but he definitely has some insecurities. I have always been friends with other guys, but whenever I got with my husband I tried to respect his insecurities and I only was around men that I had to be around I. We both agreed whenever we were first married that facebook was nothing but problems and we would NEVER be a part of it. I asked my husband if I could make a facebook page and use a fake name, he reluctantly agreed and I sent some friend requests to people I worked with and family members. Not true at all, I just liked the picture because I wanted to show my friend that I was interested in her life.

We had a couple of arguments but we always worked through it.

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My husband was going through his facebook and saw where I liked a picture of this mutual friends and when he questioned me over it, I lied to him. I regret it tremendously and I regret not listening to the love of my life, my soulmate, when he asked me not to do it. I have broken us and I have to live with that for the rest of my life. Do you really think all of these issues are solely because of Facebook?

Your husband was clearly insecure, and if he is divorcing you over that, he is not much of a man. My husband is always on facebook. And when i got to check is phone he goes to lock it so i cant aee what hes doing. He has a password for messaging his photos literally everything on his phone. Please help me what should i do???? I allow complete access to my online activities. My wife however does not. She guards her phone like fort knox. She has had two extramarital sexual affairs using social media as a means of communication.

Each spouse should have each other passwords. This allows openness, transparency, and keeps trust intact. Mostly women disagree because women are constantly being pursued by guys on social media. And it feeds their incessant need to be told how pretty they are. If at all possible, try to avoid women who are into social media. Plus, it adds no value to the world. If a married man or woman entertains way too much conversation and attention from someone other than their spouse, the married person is the one with the serious emotional imbalance, and possibly with the serious legal problems.

Whether it is on FB, at Happy Hour, on the train, the public library or even church. Some married people with good looks and a charming manner, and plain regular people like myself with a nice smile and disposition know how to keep inappropriate attention of the opposite sex away. And some for whatever reason, encourage it. I think this is a very useful article, frankly, I have men try to talk to me online.

I used social media for good cause not to flirt or seeking new friends. Often, have new people reaching out and tried to talk to me. When I feel the conversation rather lead me to an uncomfortable situation, I often shot it down quick. Often, many women would try to connect to my spouse, as he often put his photo on his profile etc. He is innocent but I know how it works online. My spouse let me deal with it right away and I have no problem putting them back to their corner politely.

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I just got tired of seeing how much these women try so hard to approached a man and using mind games. SO anyway, I politely message the person who sent the message to my husband but she then went onto so offensive mode and started to name calling me.. I am of two minds about this. There are legitimate reasons for a level of privacy between spouses. However, my wife had an affair, and then, only two months after it was discovered and we were supposedly working on things, she started an online affair with someone overseas.

Even after multiple confrontations about it, she continues to communicate with him and visits his Facebook page sometimes 15 or 20 times a day! She hides it from me as much as she can, but I am savvy enough to find out at least basics. My husband just defriended me on Facebook. I feel less important than any of his 40 FB friends from his past, very few friends are in his present. Additionally, he has had to be coaxed to like any of my posts, when all of my posts have involved him and been loving. He frequently reads aloud funny posts to me from one of the mothers of his children.

He defriended me because it got so bad this week I cried about it this morning. He blamed FB aka me,for it and solved the problem by letting it come between us and eliminating me not FB. I am at my wits end. I bemieve there is litwrally hanxwriting on the wall or post, what have you. People he is not saying read and invade everything they do and when you get married you are as one HELLO.

Before FB, when I was pregnant with our oldest now 18 , she stopped him in traffic and attempted to make a lunch date knowing we had been married over 5 years then. Hubby is the most loyal person, always glass half full — and although that makes for a pleasant situation, it leaves room for him to be blindsided. She the ex friended him a while back…I noticed a pattern in her communication, what she liked, what she commented on, etc.

If he posts something about him or the children she will like again almost immediately. Then I asked the BIG question — does she private message you? Yes was the answer…again I brought up the pattern and was told I was paranoid. So, mid July was our anniversary — he posted some great stuff, memories, etc. I did however forward it to Hubby and we sat down that night together and he saw the pattern…he admitted she was incredibly prompt to respond. I showed him how she has him as friend, following, see first, and get notifications who does that? Now his response was thanks to both no caps, no name, just one word.

His response to most of the others was Thank You Name or a comment. There is a group of high school girls, including her, that are not only FB friends but still live in close proximity, and these girls have always been jealous of our relationship. This situation is causing you a lot of heartache. Why does your husband refuse to unfriend this person. It shows he puts her first before you. How insensitive of him. What is he getting out of it. I think you need to see a counselor about this.

She is intruding in your life and making a miserable situation and she knows it. This need to be fixed! And since they are friends she can PM him any time. My husband will not let me on his Facebook, computer ect. I went to an event and posted pictures of him to his Facebook showing what he won and there sitting in his friends are girls that no one else knows.

I ask him and he just plays, there not my friend. So I say ok let me delete them. He was 40 and first marriage. I always knew he was set in his ways and immature but come on. I am going to send this URL to my husband. I am so tired. We have so very little, barely a place to live, but he commands the keyboard all day long, hour after hour, day after day, and will not consistently work to forward his self-employment so we can get some where. He does not pull his weight in our shared business, accept when it comes to brief heavy lifting, that requires so mess time than what I have to give to make this very small go of things, and he does not realize all the very time consuming little things I do all day long give him the opportunity to miss so much work, and be on Facebook, and keep us in poverty.

I would call myself an Enabler, but if I do any less, we will be on the streets, again. This is NOT a threat, this is not a promise, this is just what needs to be done so I can do something for myself. Blessed Virgin, hear my cry, and have my husband hear me, and hear me in love, and desperation, and not as a shrew, nor in anger, Blessed Virgin, hear my cry for stability, and bless me with the wisdom to know what to do, and what to say.

The manner in which you describe your story tells me that you are not only intelligent but also very hardworking. I want you to really think about your justification for a second. With that said…and this is the tough one…move on…in whichever way you can! I too, gave many chances but in the end you will become financially, emotionally and mentally drained. All the best to you! To me, a male, the best way to ward off unwanted old flames knocking on the door, is a joined FB account… Seems old fashioned, but it is what it is.

If someone is married. That should be respected. Joined Facebook or single Facebook account. My world was turned upside down because of my own lack of judgment. I am not blaming anyone else for my initial responses. I take the responsibility. My daughter had just moved out to go to school, etc. I am not sure how old fashioned it is to be open for whatever you are open to if someone is married. You should not go knocking on their door willing offering anything. For me, I was in love with that time in my life. When I was young and selfish… and I slipped right into the slot.

My husband and me share all the passwords… I think it is the best way to feel nothing is hidden, nothing is wrong…. Why would we share our Facebook passwords to our husbands and wife, when it is an extension of our privacy. Sorry if I replied here. Just wanna ask some thing. Yesterday I logged on in face book,and some stranger account popped up. It supposed just mine and hubby account should pop up.

Does it mean he invited another woman in our house while I was away and access on our computer? It seems like that. My instinct tell me so that he was cheating on me. Sorry for my English. Its not my language. I percent agree with what you say about FB. I get so sick of people trying to pass on the responsibility for their actions to a technology, religion, etc. This is ridiculous and controlling. Any therapist will tell you that it is not healthy. My husband does not need access to my account. Just because someone is married, does not mean they have to give up their privacy.

How Facebook ruined my marriage

Again, ANY therapist will tell you this. As for being online all thw tome, i am. And I am not cheating. What a ridiculous statement to make. You are fortunate you are in a good and trusting relationship apparently. But if a trust has already been breached, ANY good therapist would say that sharing login information is a great way to rebuild trust. Dawn is fortunate to have a good and trusting relationship. When the trust has been breached, a very good therapist would say sharing log in information is a way to building trust.

How can trust be rebuilt if the cheating spouse refuse to share information. Mark or anyone else…. I can view her FB profile through our joint one but I cannot see what she posts, the likes or comments from others. After a year or so of signing up for facebook, I noticed my wife spending a great deal of time on the web. Needless to say, we lived in overseas and her claim was that it was her way of keeping in touch. I knew her password and randomly checked. Sure enough, most messages were to friends and family members.

After we moved back to the states, before she found a job, she also spent a great deal of time on facebook, and at the gym. After a while I was a bit concerned, especially after she changed her password and did not share it. One day after she left to run errands, she had left her facebook account open. Needless to say I found quite a few messages to random males our kids bus driver about how her life was miserable, and apparently so was his marriage.

I also found some sexually explicit messages to an old family friend of mine. I confronted her, and we started attending counseling. This was admitted to me just last month, along with my discovery of some naked pictures of herself on her phone which were not meant or sent to me, but used to send to her current infidelity via another social media outlet.

And yes, facebook is the start of the root of all that is evil in my opinion. I agree that Facebook enables marital problems. I am the strongest woman ever. Married for 22 years. Only got on Facebook once in awhile. One day an old flame contacted me through Facebook and flirted with me. So no big deal. But then I found myself drawn to him and he asked me to visit him and I did. It was an affair that nearly cost my marriage and split up my family. My husband knows and forgives me and we are working on our marriage.

I hate Facebook, it can be time consuming place to be. It fills your brain with mostly foolishness and nonsense.

I will never go back. I wholeheartedly agree with you and this article. My wife was using Facebook to re-connect with school friends. Never would I imagine that this would be the vehicle for her to cheat on me with old male friends from the past. My story is similar to yours. Nude photos being sent to two different men she knew…. Texts, emails, phone calls, sexting…eventually meeting up in hotel rooms and even trying to get a job where one of them worked.

She still denies that she was physical with one of them even though I have proof. I decided to stay and not divorce. She says she is remorseful and sorry. I do as Reagan said…. I now have access to her Facebook and email accounts. We have tracking devices on our phones her idea…. I think she feels I may cheat on her? I should have known when she put passwords on her cellphone and made sure her maiden name was on her Profile page. And no pictures of me but 1 obscure photo deeply hidden.

A few days ago I decided to send a woman Helenanne K. Well she accepted my friend request and I looked in and saw that those two had a history of liking a lot of stuff on each others posts and that they had exchanges within pages and other forums. I asked my husband about her, who had contacted who first, etc. So I asked my husband to unfriend and block this woman. He got so angry that I wanted him to block her. I requested that he send her a message as to why he shouldnt be in contact with her and I wanted to read it and watch him send it to her.

He started to draft a message saying that I was uncomfortable with them talking on FB and that he was sorry to unfriend her. I had asked him to do the right thing by saying out of respect for his wife he should not have had contact to begin with and therby disslove the FB friendship and all contact. He refused to acknowledge my my request and as I watched him typing his bogus message on his cell phone laying the blame at my feet I grabbed his cell and started to delete his message saying he should do the right thing and we ended up in a violent tug of war over his phone.

He yanked the phone away from me and screamed at me calling me crazy. We had the worst fight. After several hours when things cooled down he showed me the message history between them. They had been in contact for over 6 years. Sure enough it was clear to see he reached out to her first. I asked him why he reached out to an exgirlfriend and he said he had seen her picture on FB sent her a message and was catching up.

Well that catching up led to secretive private messaging and emailing. Unbeknownst to him I hacked his email account and found email messages between them. There was nothing sexual in the communications though some of the communications could be considered flirty and emotionally supportive. I asked him if he had any contact with his exgirlfriend Helenanne through emails and he stated absolutely not. I even recorded him saying he had no email contact that he didnt have her email address and she did not have his. Anyway he said he blocked her on FB and the following morning I noticed his exgirlfriend blocked me on FB.

Presumably she had to go look for my profile in order to block me. Just to make sure my husband blocked her I accessed his phone and checked on his FB settings. Sure enough she was blocked but he never did send her that message I requested. Needless to say it has damaged my relationship with my husband. He invited this woman into our lives. It is a huge violation and feel disgusted with it all.

It was as if she were a voyer or a stalker. His lack of respect and consideration and his violent reaction to my request to remove his exgirlfriend from his FB contacts makes me distrust him and makes me resent him. It is going to take a long time to work through this and heal. My advice to you is that you deal with your insecurities rather then project your insecurities on your husband.

Facebook is used by millions of people. Wow I just read this and yeah there is a lot of meaning that has transpired. Hey Mike, did you actually read what Di wrote? Check twitter, snapchat, etc. Is this the big problem? Please dont make this an issue. Is there something that he is hiding or what is he up to, and when he is on the Facebook and i approach him he will quickly close and open another thing instead.

I agreed with basically everything about this article except for the last statement. Although this maybe true for most it is not true for all due to insomnia and some major problems, which I happen to be burdened with. I tend to not fall asleep until between am. I can take a sleeping pill at 8 and not zonk out until 3. On the occasions I do have my phone in hand. I you am playing silly games like name that movie, who sang?

My husband and I share passwords for everything. And we are better for it. They would flirt back and forth in public my in-laws and his friends witnessed his behavior, and then called me a jealousy wife. The flirt should never happen. And all of this be hair is disrespectful and should not be tolerated.

Speak privately how you feel and pray for him. Maybe he will see that he is wrong for doing this. Yet he goes on lunches with his coworker who is a single woman of the world. She works part time and he works fulltime. So every time she works her shifts with him they both go to the coffee shop. They have been doing this for five months straight now. Plus they are texting each other too. He says his wife is ok with it. Somehow I doubt it. Some of us saw the woman in the back area talking to him alone on several occasions far from her department.

I must also mention he is quite the charmer. He verbally flirted with me and other woman also. While the sentiment is sweet, experts say such over-the-top expression could be indicative of a doomed romance. Too much emphasis on social media may indicate that the couple is less concerned with how they feel, and more about how their relationship looks to outsiders. Greer also warns against the growing trend of sharing a Facebook account with your spouse, which, according to a Pew survey , 11 percent of couples do.

And what about couples who are silent on social media? The couple made the decision to remain unlinked on social media — even if just to spare them the pain of taking it down were they ever to split. The key to communicating effectively online, say experts, is ensuring both parties have consented to the same degree of intimacy on the Web. Regardless of what others think, Devon enjoys having reminders of the love he has for his wife a mouse click away. Shonda Rhimes doesn't want you to work on the weekend.

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