BOOST YOUR CHILDRENS CONFIDENCE

Of course, young kids need plenty of encouragement, whether they're learning to crawl, throw a ball, or draw a circle. But your child can get so accustomed to hearing "Good job! He'll also sense when you're exaggerating "That's the best block tower I have ever seen!

Don't praise your child if he does something that he's supposed to do. When he brushes his teeth or throws his shirt into the hamper, for example, a simple "thank you" is sufficient. Try to offer specific feedback: Instead of saying that your child's drawing is gorgeous, you might point out his nice use of purple. It's natural to want to prevent your child from getting hurt, feeling discouraged, or making mistakes, but when you intervene -- trying to get her invited to a birthday party she wasn't included in, or pressuring the soccer coach to give her more game time -- you're not doing her any favors.

Kids need to know that it's okay to fail, and that it's normal to feel sad, anxious, or angry, says Robert Brooks, PhD, coauthor of Raising Resilient Children.

They learn to succeed by overcoming obstacles, not by having you remove them. She even encourages parents to make their own little mistakes on purpose. When your child gets the chance to make choices from a young age, he'll gain confidence in his own good judgment.

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Of course, kids love to run the show, but having too much control can be overwhelming; it's best to give your child two or three options to choose from. For example, don't ask your 3-year-old what he wants for lunch, but offer pasta or peanut butter and jelly.

At the same time, let your child know certain choices are up to you. Gloria Kushel's 8-year-old daughter, Caroline, likes to dress like a boy and wear her hair cropped short. If your child tends to feel defeated by disappointments, help her be more optimistic. Instead of offering glib reassurances to "look on the bright side," encourage her to think about specific ways to improve a situation and bring her closer to her goals, says Karen Reivich, PhD, coauthor of The Optimistic Child.

If she's behind her classmates in reading, explain that everyone learns at her own pace, and offer to spend extra time reading with her. If she's crushed because she didn't get the lead in the second-grade play, don't say, "Well, I think you're a star. It's important to give your child praise and positive feedback because children—especially young ones—measure their worth and achievements by what you think. But be realistic in your praise. If a child fails at something or shows no talent at a particular skill, praise the effort, but don't unrealistically praise the results.

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Reassure your child that it's OK not to be able to do everything perfectly. Tell him that some things take repeated effort and practice—and sometimes it's OK to move on after you've given your best effort. Help your child set realistic goals. When your child is starting out in soccer, it's fine for her to think she'll eventually be on the Olympic team.

But if she fails to make the varsity team in high school and still thinks she's an Olympic-caliber player, then she needs to focus on more realistic goals. Guide your child to set reasonable goals to help avoid feelings of failure. If the goal is a stretch, discuss some reachable short-term steps along the path. Model self-love and positive self-talk. You must love yourself before you can teach your child to love him or herself.

You can model this behavior by rewarding and praising yourself when you do well. Whether you run a marathon, get a promotion at work or throw a successful dinner party, celebrate your successes with your children. Talk about the skills and talents and efforts needed for you to achieve those accomplishments. In the same conversation, you can remind your child of the skills he or she possesses and how they can be developed and used. No one succeeds at everything all the time. There will be setbacks and failures, criticism and pain. Use these hurdles as learning experiences rather than dwelling on the events as failures or disappointments.

The old adage, "Try, try, try again," has merit, especially in teaching kids not to give up. But, it's also important to validate your child's feelings rather than saying, "Oh, just cheer up," or, "You shouldn't feel so bad.

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Children will learn that setbacks are a normal part of life and can be managed. If your child does poorly on a test, don't smother him with pity or tell him that he'll never be a good reader. Instead, talk about what steps he can take to do better next time. She sees too many parents trying to rescue their kids from failure all the time. Sopik remembers staring from across the room as her two-year-old son, Fraser, lifted a huge jug of orange pop at a fancy party.

Rather than trying to save her son before he had a chance to try, Sopik watched as Fraser spilled the pop all over the floor. Then came the best part: Fraser found a waitress, asked for a paper towel and cleaned up his own mess. When kids make their own age-appropriate choices, they feel more powerful, says Sopik, pointing out that kids as young as two can start considering the consequences of their decisions. Sopik always let her kids decide on their own whether to wear a coat, hat and mittens in winter. In building self-esteem, kids also need opportunities to demonstrate their competence and feel that their contribution is valuable, says Taylor.

Another surefire way to boost confidence in kids is to encourage them to take on tasks they show interest in, then make sure they follow through to completion. The point is for them to stick with what they start, so they feel that hit of accomplishment at the end.

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Let your child know you love her even when she fails or makes bad decisions. If all you talk about is performance, Sopik points out, she will think you only love her for her report card or the lead she got in the play. That may mean suggesting he join house league, where he can feel like a star rather than being the last one picked on the AA team. MacLeod learned this lesson when her son, Alex, was in grade two. Any time they saw their names in a program or newspaper article or received a complimentary note, they were to put it inside. Tell him it was awesome how he passed the ball to his teammate.