Berating Others On Your Way to a Lifetime of Happiness: That, and Dating Around the World

Same with deciding to sell most of my possessions and move to South America. Just went and did it.

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The point is, most of us struggle throughout our lives by giving too many fucks in situations where fucks do not deserve to be given. We give a fuck about the rude gas station attendant who gave us too many nickels. We give a fuck when a show we liked was canceled on TV. Strewn about like seeds in mother-fucking spring time.

And for what purpose? A pat on the fucking back maybe? Indeed, the ability to reserve our fucks for only the most fuckworthy of situations would surely make life a hell of a lot easier. Failure would be less terrifying. Unpleasant necessities more pleasant and the unsavory shit sandwiches a little bit more savory. I mean, if we could only give a few less fucks, or a few more consciously-directed fucks, then life would feel pretty fucking easy.

Ever watch a kid cry his eyes out because his hat is the wrong shade of blue? Developing the ability to control and manage the fucks you give is the essence of strength and integrity. We must craft and hone our lack of fuckery over the course of years and decades. Like a fine wine, our fucks must age into a fine vintage, only uncorked and given on the most special fucking occasions. This may sound easy. But it is not. This is no way to live, man. So stop fucking around. Get your fucks together. And here, allow me to fucking show you.

When most people envision giving no fucks whatsoever, they envision a kind of perfect and serene indifference to everything, a calm that weathers all storms. People who are indifferent are lame and scared. In fact, indifferent people often attempt to be indifferent because in reality they actually give too many fucks. They are afraid of the world and the repercussions of their own choices.

Therefore, they make none. They hide in a grey emotionless pit of their own making, self-absorbed and self-pitied, perpetually distracting themselves from this unfortunate thing demanding their time and energy called life. My mother was recently screwed out of a large chunk of money by a close friend of hers. Had I been indifferent, I would have shrugged my shoulders, sipped some mocha and downloaded another season of The Wire. Wish you all luck, your answers are there, I promise you. Yea I realize melvin g. Is not worth it.

He is a cheater n big liar. Sometimes u just have to walk away from people like that. I know I will find true love. I have been in a relationship like this for 16yrs. I have little strength to fight this person it seems i just have to wait until he decides he no longer requires me and lets me go. Yes thank you to this website for making me aware. I actually was searching for answers thinking I was going insane. Whenever I am feeling sad about my decision of leaving this person I simply read this and it brings back all the terrible memories of why I had to leave.

Thank you so much. The father of my kid is a total narcissist. I see the good in him too but he is very mean to me. He is constantly putting me down about my appearance, my intelligence my past everything you can imagine. I get ripped to shreds every day here about something and am relentlessly maligned for every slight misstep or just for not doing things exactly his way at all times. He has zero concern for the emotional pain he causes me, the tears or the anguish in my face has never had any impact on him.

Sad, sad and more sad. I have a seven and a six year old, a girl and boy, they are witness to his put downs and also are following his suit at times. I cant challenge his behaviours at all. My family live klms away, I cant tell them. I am in the same boat. My husband is very careful of how he speaks to me in public with most people. He will shoot me down in front of his mother and others in his family. But not in cocles where his psuedo personality is more familiar to other people. He is vicious to me. Completely not anle to see how he is hurting me and we have three children. If I left I would be blamed as the one who broke up the family and he would definitly foster that belief into them.

He would also screw mw royaly Im sure of it. Heafter 15 years of marriage he still refuses to put my name on our house. When we went for our closing something happened where we had to put just his name to close the deal. And any time i ask he says. Im not paying someone ti add your name. A pool, a finished basement…. The worst part for me is the psycological abuse and torment. He twists everything that I say and Always has to have center stage. Im never hearing him according to him , yet he NEVER lets me say anything without cutting me off, correcting me, getting angry.

He always has to be right and then twists it that hes not that way. He plays himself different in front of other people saying nice things about me as though he has admiration for me. I was interrupti g his sleep. I had to have my mom come bring me to the hospital. He stayed home sleeping. It was gas but I had never know a chest pain so bad and Im a 48 year old woman with three children who depend on me.

Another time I had a scary test for a lung xray. I was so freaked out and scared he acted like there was something wrong with me and ignored me. We had two sets of pastors and several therapists tried to help. Futile, hes a good performer. The last councelor saw right through his bullshit and called him out on some stuff. He never wants to ho back to him. Says its a waste of time.

Im up at 2: That might tell yiu alot about how much pain I am in. Get out, get out, get out!! I did it — same situation as yours. You will be strong enough to fight and gain custody, should this issue arise. All the very best — it can be done. Took me years and years — but I am free. This in hopes that Jorge will reply.

His is the only post I have seen from an admitted Narc. Jorge, I am curious as to when and how you realized you had NPD and how it made you feel. What your thoughts and actions were and whether you have come to terms with it. This sounds like I couldhave wrotethis almost word for word. My husband and I have been Married 11 years and I feel so so alone. He will do evervything in his power not to spend Quality timewithme or evenhave sex withme.

I dontknow what else to do. Inever linked it to narciccissitc before but maybe ontosomething. I just want to say that I have experienced so much of what is being discussed here. I especially want to say to Broken that I feel her pain. My N husband passed away a few months ago. Not only was he extremely verbally abusive at times, he had a drug problem that he tried to keep hidden.

He could blow up at the least little thing and make a terrible scene, but he also was so lovable in the family and at church. The relationship suffered and my love for him grew cold because I have never even heard anyone say some of the crushing things he said to me. As a Christian, I tried to forgive him as Christ has forgiven me, and at times, I do believe he was truly sorry but it was never going to stop completely. He fought the rage, but his diabetes and total dependence on pain medications and all made it very difficult.

We did enjoy some things together and he did a lot of handiwork and woodworking around the house, maybe to make up for the bad stuff. He was very talented on the guitar and creating his own songs and he won my heart so quickly. If you have much invested in the relationship and especially for your children maybe find a way to endure and pray for God to give you strength and peace. And pray that God will change his heart. He really will hear your prayers and answer. Go to Him in prayer when you need to escape.

Go for a walk, take a drive, take the kids to visit the grandparents. I raised my kids in a 20 year marriage that was very lonely. So I know the pain you feel Broken. I could not take a risk of him trying to take the kids so I stayed until they were old enough to decide for themselves. My heart goes out to you and I wish I could help in some way.

Trust God and He will be with you and show you the way. Dani, I know exactly what you mean. I know i had a mother who is very narcissist and very insecure. I, however, do not believe i am insecure. Where, i am going with this is, my one and only just broke up with me today. There were numerous times in the relationship that he told me that he is more right than ever wrong. BUt now i feel like i am inadequate and not worthy of the very one person that meant the most to me and i felt that i could learn a lot from him.

He did think about things and how it would effect me from time to time and worked to change those things. I just am no longer happy and felt like i was always walking on egg shells around him too. Then it turned into a situation where is tried breaking up with me several times only to take it back the next morning or get me to make the decision for him.

Then he tells me things in the same conversation only to say he never said that all in the same conversation. Everything i say is an argument to him. He tells me i wanted everything my way, but i really think i wanted it him to meet me in the middle. I know what you mean about being on egg shells.

I take full responsibility for that. In the beginning i knew i how to handle him.

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Then when i learned more and more about him and everything became harder and it was like no matter which way i stepped, i was never good enough. Plus all the assumptions he had about me in the beginning only goes to show you he wanted to be right so bad. In the end, i am sure i have some narcissist ways as well.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck | Mark Manson

I work on those things already, because i know what they are especially when you come from the only woman role model in your life who showed you how to do things the wrong way instead of right. I chose to take that as a positive and make better choices. It has done wonders for me since growing up. I guess i never felt so insecure until i met this guy and got to know him further. He is not a bad person, he just thinks he is God.

I never got confused about things until i could no longer get things right, ever. It felt like a game to me. He said everything i did was a game to him.

I am a woman. I have a want for higher learning and purpose in life. I work hard to get there. I am not there yet, but i will be. I will remember this instance to know that i will work hard to not step on people in the future because of what it feels like. In situations like these, i cannot say it is all him or all me. You tried to establish effective communication.

That is you working towards positive outcomes. Relationships are hard and require work. You were trying to do the work and it sounds like you were being undermined. Your partner had an agenda. How could a reasonable person understand if ridiculed and cut off when seeking clarity? Misery no end if you ask me, self doubt, frustration, insecurity and on and on.

Just let him go. Love yourself a little…start right now today. I too learned what they are after a very painful and confusing experience with one. The worst is that my father was one for sure, and even though I always tried to chose men very different from him I still managed to fall for one. They can be very charming and draw you in and make you feel very special and important to them. But they do this in order to extract Narcissistic Supply -ie rub their ego all the time.

There is a condition related to Narcissism called Avoidant Attachement. It is beyond frustrating. I have a tendancy to make N friends.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck

I realize that they are extremely good at attracting people into their social circle probably because their needs include constant attention. I looked around the room and all the guests were nice people who would probably be too shy to have a group of people over themselves and were happy to be out for the evening. Without N friends I sit around the house and make posts like this. I am trying to make at least one thing happen for myself each day that does not feed an N person. I realize I have almost no balanced relationships and am scared of them due to low self — esteem.

I believe practicing in small ways will help to form more balanced long term friendships and relationships. I would encourage others like me to do the same. It makes not a bit of sense!!! You keep going back for more and more, inexplicably!!!

1,099 responses to “Why I Walked Out on Tony Robbins”

I will tell you why I believe it is so hurtful to us why they do not care…. It is just not part of who they are and they will never, EVER change!!! No matter how many times we explain ourselves, or pour out our hearts TO DEATH, and even try to put things in as simple as terms possible, it is as if we are speaking an entirely different language! And it is sad, so sad, because it sucks the life out of you the more you fight it. It is a battle that cannot be won. The pain comes from not understanding why you are made to constantly feel wrong by the N. The pain will subside once your break the pattern of returning for more heartbreak.

Believe me, I was and am there. Nothing will heal you except time. You need to let go of trying to understand why they behave the way they do, because the answer is that they are narcissists. Hi Bertie, thank you so much for your post, you explained what I am feeling so well! We have two boys, 11 and 6. I came to live in my husband country on the other side of the globe leaving everything behind, I have been here for 8 years now.

Its been VERY lonely I have learned the language and I have adapted and let go of the need to go back to live in my country Mom, Dad, Brothers sisters, cousin, grandparents, everyone is there. He never showed empathy for my sadness, Its been very hard for me but somewhat I got used to it, I never talk about my country or my family, it is just something I have make myself somewhat forget.

I decided about 6 moths ago I was going to make this marriage happier and that I was going to be happy so I could make my family happy. So I been trying to be a better wife and mother, I have been focusing on my family like never before, I have been much calmer and understanding with my husband and I have definitely been trying to give him all the love I use to keep inside out of resentfulness for his lack of empathy.

Two weeks ago I found out he is having an affair with a married woman at work. I spend one week trying to pick up my pieces to have the strength to confront him so I did, he was calm and told me, yes it is truth, so what? For him every argument is a competition. Anyway, I am in the middle of this mess now and very afraid to loose him, since I can see that the texting with that woman is still going on and he is at work right now.

I will keep reading post after post until I can find the strenth I need, so far reading all of your words is the only thing that keeps me balanced. These kids may never get married live another year.. Walk on a beach.. Find the strength believe in yourself again … This is all just a test … A beautiful 27 year beautiful girl was killed in a car accident last week..

I try so carefully to address this topic with my wife. Trying to get her to understand and empathize with me. Trying to get her to speak with someone, because her judgement is compromised when it comes to the kids. But she always becomes defensive, then turns the conversation around to me, blaming me. And when discussing her activities she feels totally justified. No remorse, no guilt, no shame, no sorrow! This is such a great response. Narcissists typically target sensitive caring people. People go back because they are trying to find the mask the narc wore when they first met them.

The mask seemed so real. It must be in there somewhere inside the head of the narcissist. Find it and tell it there is this other evil sick human being inside their bodies and that I want to help the mask figure out how to conquer it. All in the hopes that the mask will finally be the one in charge and the sick twisted empathy-challenged selfish other will be relegated to a dark recess of their mind.

Losing out on a narcissistic relationship is like having your significant other die. You want to mourn this beautiful person because they are gone. The person I loved who loved me back so dearly! How can you mourn your lover when you see them every day? Imagine knowing your mother, or sibling died.

But then you see your mother or sibling at the mall and you are elated and want to run and hug them but then they scoff at you and treat you like shit and tell everyone around them that you are not their son or daughter. You are my daughter. Narcissists are extremely destructive because of this. The mask they use is perfect. It is exactly what you want and need. You fall in love, and the mask pretends to fall in love with you. In its place is this other thing that is clearly not your partner. I see her using this masks on new supplies.

Would I really turn it down if the mask ever comes back to talk to me? In the relationship I was in with my exN, he was my best friend, he loved me in a way I had never dreamed anyone would. We had future plans and did things together all the time. He told everyone that he was going to marry me, even took me to look at rings. Then 3 weeks ago, the day after Valentines day, we were spending the wekend together. Out of the blue he just started criticizing me, speaking to me in a way I had never seen from him EVER. I started to cry and he got more and more angry… eventually turning very abusive just short of physical.

I had taken cold medication and something to help me calm down from the panic attack I had while he was raging at me. The more I cried the angrier he got.

Column: How do we get over losing the love of our life?

He actually pushed me out of his house in my nightgown , it was after midnight, there was a foot of snow on the ground and the roads were very icy. He tossed my keys out the door at me and the closed the door and looked at me through blinds. That talk never happened… instead I found him with an EX of his, that he had badmouthed to the extreme. I was crushed, but once I found out about the other woman I felt more anger than sadness because beforeI knew about the other woman, he tried to place all the blame on me for what happened, and I was agonizing over what I had done wrong.

Going over and over it in my head. Later, that night i called his cell and SHE answered. Another kick to the face!! I was furious, what a coward! BUT I Grieve constantly for the love and my best friend that disappeared over night. He has hurt me deeper than I believe I have ever hurt.

I have to find a way for my heart to accept what my mind knows. I cry everyday for the loss of what I love so dearly. This man could not care less about the horrific pain he has caused. Hope I can stay strong and resist if that mask ever comes back to talk to me. My girlfriend informed me yesterday by BB that our 1 yr relationship was over The reason being that I did not agree to rent a car for her — I did not agree because she does not have a full licence nor insurance yet she wanted me to rent it in my name whatever the consequences for me.

And I found the car-rental response form her a bit extreme! I am 46 with a good career, professional, own business, academic-practitioner, nice house, big dreams, two lovely well-balanced girls from my marriage. She is 29, single mother with three children, and lots of courage, grit, determination to improve her life. She was so supportive of me, proud of my career, took a lot of interest in what I did, my children etc. I was not even that concerned when she told me to BB her all the time to let her know where I was, what I was doing, when I got home safe etc.

I found it endearing that she seemed to care so much. We would BB each other all the time. We would talk all the time too — it was all very obsessive. I got frustrated that we would agree to meet and then it would not quite happen, or she would be late But I put this down to her culture and would make excuses for her.

She made it clear that whilst there was no rush, she wanted me to put a ring on her finger with a bigger diamond then the one I had given my first wife that she wanted us to get married in Jamaica, have a house together with her kids, have a baby before she was35, set up a business together and so on. She wanted to meet my parents when she was ready but sometimes got annoyed when I would spend time with my children to the point of jealousy.

More recently she had cosmetic surgery again — she is a size 10 anyway but insisted on spending her money on liposuction etc. I even went to the hospital to look after her and care for her. She was pleased I was there she was in so much pain. As beautiful as she was in my eyes she insisted she had to do all this to make her feel better.

Its taken her a few months to get herself back to feeling normal and recover and during that time I would see her but she would not want to go out. She wanted for nothing from me — nice clothes and shoes that she chose, handbags, breaks to Paris, new washing machine. I have helped her out with her children, I bought her the puppy she wanted…there was nothing I would not do for her if I had the money and the means to help I would.

Whenever we went our I paid for everything. She got so angry with me one night because I told her the route to the car park from the mall was one way and she insisted it was another I was right. But she shouted and screamed at me in the car all the way to her house, told me that how dare I think she was stupid and act the big man, that she was going to throw out all the gifts that I had bought her and then deleted me from her BB and told me we were over. The next day she calmed down and we were back together again. There were good days and bad days and it changed from day to day. I never quite knew what version of her I was going to get.

But we would BB and speak to each other every day and as from the early days I would always let her know when I was home safe. That was tough to take. She made me feel very very guilty and useless. It seemed that everything I had ever done for her was forgotten. However we started to overcome this setback and I thought we were getting back on track. The past month has been pretty good. We would still BB each other every day and more recently she would phone me several times every day to see how I was.

And I would do the same. We were back on track and getting closer again after her surgery. But there was a sense at the back of my mind that something had changed. More and more it seemed I could not do the right thing. She told me I was not treating her right even though I was buying her nice things. More and more she said I was dumb, stupid, made fun of me in front of her children and encouraged them to do the same. I started to feel useless, lose confidence and felt like I was treading on eggshells most of the time.

And then last week. On Tuesday after Easter we went out for the first time in months. She said I was not buying her nice things the week before so we went to the mall and I bought her what she wanted and we then went for dinner to one of her favourite restaurants. Again all my treat. She asked me if I was still going to Jamaica with her in July. We talked about the future and we had a nice time. But I knew as soon as she told me that I was probably 24 hours away from being seen as dumb again. And so back to the beginning of this posting. I realised I could not sort the car rental out for her because it was illegal and would have got her and me in very hot waters.

And so I sensed sex would be off the agenda too. She called me and said she would soon be sending me a BB message. That message was disgusting and hurtful. She told me how useless I was, that she gave up on me and because I was not going to help her with the car rental she was going to have sex with her Ex that night because she was horny and I would not be needed in that department again! She had broken me. She upset me terribly We spoke that night she did not have sex with her ex!

She told me it was over. I was no use to her anymore. Friday night I emailed her the reason why I had not agreed because she had clearly not understood the full implications for her and for me. But she did not care one bit. She said the email was pointless, I had wasted my time and none of it got through to her. She was not bothered in the slightest.

As far as she was concerned I had again let her down and had not done what she wanted. In her mind I was now worthless. Reading all the postings today and more on the web I now realise what a narcissist she is. I feel I have been emotionally abused and all the signs suggest she is a narcissist and may indeed suffer from NPD. She has a history of depression in her family so I do not know if this is connected. I realise as I am writing this she has long forgotten about me and could not care how I feel about all this. But I realise after all the research how unlikely that all is and how I could not ever take her back, because it looks like I have a had a lucky escape.

I realise she has a low self esteem and needs to surround herself with material goods and gifts that make her feel good. That she uses her looks and her body to feel somehow worthy because she feels she has nothing else to offer. That she cannot love me because she can only love herself. That the beautiful caring person I fell in love with was just a mask and that as we have got closer and closer she has got more fearful and her mask has finally slipped now that we are well beyond the honeymoon period. That the dream of getting married, living together and building a better life was just a dream for her and could have turned into a nightmare for me.

I was moved to tears reading your comments. And no one who has not been with a Narc would understand. You miss the person you thought they were.. Like part of you is dying… Thank you for sharing your experience. I was left by a narc and the sad thing is I tried to leave him 3 times prior to me being dumped.

I felt so lonely at the time and it was always on and off three times during our relationship. Just out of the blue he told me not to call him again. I have lost my trust. Me too, Bertie and all the guys. She drove me mad and I nearly lost myself. This worked for me: I wrote down every incident I could remember when I felt bad with her. There were lots of bad times.

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Every time I become nostalgic about her I read that list to remind myself what a nightmare she really was and still is No point focusing on the good times when there was so much bad. Would you eat a meal with a dog-turd in it? So false and so sad. Go out with a different woman.

It will clear your brain and there are so many good women out there. As the song goes: I just got out of a relationship of two years where I was constantly fighting with my girlfriend because I kept catching her cheat and lie and no matter if I caught her in her lies she still refused to tell me the truth even though I would demand an answer. One time I caught her lying and after an hour of asking and pleading that she tell me the truth she still denied it and made excuses for herself. Never will I let someone hurt me that way. I too had a nacissitic husband of 20 years then dated a narcissist after my divorce before I figured out what a narcissist is.

They can be very charming. But the reason people keep going back to someone they know is wrong for them is oxytocin. This is a chemical the brain releases that makes us have a bond with a person. There are times a person flooded with oxytocin: You have to go cold turkey. They only want to fill their narcissistic need and do not care about you.

You solely exist to meet their needs and when you are not filling their cup they quickly move on to someone who will. You can be sure they will come back to test to see if you will fill their cup again but will not accept responsibility for any wrong doing. Research oxytocin and realize the science behind the attraction. It is an addiction!!! Holy moly did I need to find this website today… Let me tell you, I broke up with him 3 weeks ago but allowed myself to be contacted by him after that several times and I felt myself being drawn back in…. I am agree with you I had this for 20 years!

I met this nasty man but he was charming and his voice and he knew how to talk. Maybe only for some FUN. I need to remember this. I recently went back to my n for 4 months it was an emotional affair only, he once again proclaimed of his undying love for me, his soul mate, love of his life. He had plans to relive the past awesome relationship we once had. But then changed his mind and ended the relationship immediately stating he had made a big mistake.

I once again went into my n coma anxiety, depression and lethargy. It also give me a sigh of relief to know this person is a miserable wreck and tormented everyday just living in his own cesspool of pity. I kept falling for this. If so, what is a better approach to living my life? Elasticsearch Service - Start a day free trial. The only solution built by the makers of Elasticsearch. Free Trial at elastic. You dismissed this ad. The feedback you provide will help us show you more relevant content in the future. Quora has great answers. Have a great solution?

Businesses find great customers by targeting related topics. Create a free account in minutes. Sign Up at quora. What does a person need to be happy? What should I do with my life? In some past situations, life wasn't fair to me. Hence I do not feel happy for many other blessings bestowed upon me. How do I handle this ung How can someone be happy when life is being extremely tough? Answered Oct 7, Just live your life how YOU want. Run containers with industry leading price-performance. Learn More at try. Answered Oct 9, So follow your dreams , make your own mistakes and live your life.

Instead I will tell you about me. They say, you are born twice. Now, was your boyfriend wrong? So, what according to me should you do? Science is on your side. No one except you gets to determine the right goals for your life. Happy people have better mental health. Footnotes [1] How emotion shapes behavior: And that is good enough for me. The best approach to living your life is the approach YOU want to take.

You have larger concerns than philosophy right now. Good luck and may joy and happiness always find its way to you!! Related Questions Why do we want to live a happy life? Why do I never get anything I want in life? What is your advice on how to be happy? If life has no meaning to it, why live it?

How can I stop rejecting happiness because I'm afraid that when I am finally happy I will have no reason to live for? What will make me happy? How can I make my life better if I am a 28 year old female low level office worker with achievement aspirations but who is painfully shy? What is the way to make life happy? I don't want to study Engineering, but still I want to live happy life. What should I do? Why am I always unhappy in life even though I have no major problems?

Is it possible to live the life I want to? How can I figure out what I really want to do with my life after college? How can I find out what I want to become in life? Why is it, everyone you know who is hard hearted, hateful and completly lacks a conscience seem to live a stress free good life? I don't want to do anything in life.

I don't want to die either.