My Polyamory Lifestyle: When the husband just isnt enough

Why not live in a world where you can have room for that connection, that spark? My immediate family have been supportive, although my mother is still ambivalent. If I do, though, it will be because I have chosen that. People who choose to be polyamorous often do so after delving deep into themselves and their desires, so it runs close to the kink scene, which was also something I wanted to explore. It can seem quite intimidating, but I was so ready for it. I now have a partner of two years, Andrea. We work as a couple, but we also have sex with friends.

He and I can flirt with other people and ask for their number, but I still feel jealous sometimes. He went away with another woman and, yes, it was difficult. Meanwhile, Marc and I realised we were no longer compatible. I had changed too much. We still share the family home and parent our children together. We still get on.

We have counselling together, we spend Christmas together — we are still reading and learning as we used to. We wanted to keep all the bits that worked. We have had to learn so much about communicating better, and I think the children have benefited from that. We have explained that Dad needs one person to be with and Mum needs more people to make her happy. Understanding polyamory is complicated , but monogamy is fraught with ambiguity, too. I want an emotional and mental connection with someone, so it takes time to build up to that.

Monogamy, meanwhile, feels more like a competition where you need to bag someone before anyone else does. None of that applies in a poly setup, which is incredibly liberating. Think how strange it would be to have only one friend. Why would you try with one lover? On top of that, the amount of work involved in maintaining multiple relationships, sexual and platonic, is huge. Andrea and I look to the future, but there are no expectations. We are part of a broader community and we think developing that is more important. This sounds like the season of Sister Wives when the husband marries a fourth, younger and hotter wife, and insists the whole time that he loves his other wives exactly the same, while absolutely not acting like it one wife is post-partum and seeing how he treated her and blamed her for her insecurities makes me gag.

Whether you call it polygamy, or polyamory, or an open relationship, if it's not a mutually beneficial situation, then it's emotional abuse. Saying he loves you doesn't necessarily mean he still loves you — demonstrating concern for your feelings and well-being is what love is. He doesn't want to lose his family or he doesn't want to lose you, specifically? Polyamory requires genuinely loving multiple people, not genuinely loving one person while also staying in a relationship with another person for the peripheral things they bring you.

When my now-husband then boyfriend fell in love with another woman, it was painful and scary and lonely and, yes, sometimes it sucked. And it did get better, when I was able to tell him what I needed in our relationship, and believe deep down in my gut that he was trying his damnedest to make sure I got that. For me, at least, being honest with myself was harder than being honest with him—once I knew what I wanted we could talk about it and figure out how to make it work, but there were a couple false starts when I told him I was okay with things that I was not okay with.

It turned out that I'm okay with pretty much anything as long as I know I'm his priority. Your mileage may vary. But… if you're lying to yourself, if you're lying to him, if you're saying you're okay with things you're not okay with… no, it's not going to get better. I genuinely believe that lying kills relationships, and lying to yourself kills fastest. Go on a weekend retreat, get a therapist, spend some solid time thinking about you and what you want and what you need and what makes you feel loved. And tell him that, the same way he told you what he wants and needs. Being honest with myself and with my husband is the scariest thing I've ever done.

And the most worthwhile. This situation sounds like it's really hard on you and it's not fair that your needs in the relationship aren't being met. As a poly person married to a monogamous person, I can't ever imagine saying to my spouse that he has to deal with my poly-ness, when that wasn't the agreement we made. Even subsequent negotiations he's been steadfast in his belief that extramarital dalliances are cheating and grounds for divorce though he's softened a little on what defines an extramarital dalliance. It sounds like your husband is getting everything he wants, while you're not getting much of what you want.

And while I realize part of what you want is a full time father to your children and a permanent live-in husband something divorce will most certainly disrupt , it still sounds like, especially emotionally, you're getting the short end of the stick. Is it possible to negotiate better terms? It's not clear how much time you've been given to come to terms with this new situation, but it sounds like a rather abrupt about face from monogamy to an obviously one sided "open" relationship. It's not easy being the one who is flexible in a relationship, sometimes it feels like we will bend and bend and come so close to the breaking point and yet we still bend until we're in such agony from the flexing that we make look so easy because we love the person we bend for.

Sometimes breaking brings release, but maybe we will never know because we just keep bending. And for that I'm sorry. Maybe he could agree to delay his poly-adventures until the kids are out of the house, at least? That would give you some time to process things and at the very least, if it ends in divorce, the kids will less affected.

This is more an "allowing an affair" relationship. If he doesn't- if you've been pretending it's all fine — then you need to actually talk about it. Making a marriage work requires sacrifice and not just from one side- he doesn't get to be poly and have you sit there and take it, just because he decided he feels like it. I have three kids, two of whom are girls. I've recently discovered the most powerful, defining personal tool I've ever encountered, and I've been using it a lot lately. It's just the question, "What would I advise my daughter in this situation?

Sending you so much love and good luck. This, and kids pick up on tension. They pick up on stress. They internalize it even when they are not at fault. That's something HE needs to realize. I don't get this. If the terms of your marriage included monogamy, and he doesn't want that anymore, and you do, it sounds like your marriage is over. I have a LOT of poly friends. Poly can and does work, but this relationship sounds unhealthy.

Your partner should not be treating you less because they have another love.

‘Discovering my true sexual self’: why I embraced polyamory | Life and style | The Guardian

This relationship may not fail, but it seems like there's a lot of work that need to be put in to make it healthy and happy for everyone involved. Many polyamorous couples give the primary partner "veto" power, especially when opening up for the first time. Take your power back. Has he done these things?

Taken her to your places? Given you sloppy seconds? Used you as a diversion when she cancels? Made you her favorite foods? Treated your decades-plus, mother of his children relationship as an "obligation"? You can exercise veto power, regroup, find a polyamorous-supportive couples therapist and shut this shit down for a while.

If he wants to keep his family and his new partner truly experiences "compersion" or pleasure that her partner is feeling loved, respected and cared for by another then this new partner should respect your veto, your boundaries, and status as primary and INSIST he do this emotional labor to make things right. Just wanted to note that veto power, in many poly circles, is called "couple's privilege". Some couples do it, but more in open marriages than in poly ones.

There is a difference between stating healthy boundaries for yourself such as: This is cutting close to home.

Exploring Polyamory with a Reluctant Partner

Last January my partner of ten years, my husband and father to my children, informed me he was in love with his coworker, but also still me, so he was polyamorus now. He wanted to move her into the garage to be his second wife. He wanted to have kids with her.

It was shocking and devastating in ways I can barely articulate. I understand the need to cling to your marriage and your family now matter what. I understand not choosing divorce, even when so many urge you to. I do urge you to see a therapist. It took months of therapy to really find my strength and my priorities. If you are both open to it, couple's therapy might also be a good idea.

I recognize your misery, and we both deserve better. This also hit close to home for me, but I seem to have a very different outcome from most here. I should start by saying I suffer from depression and had "ignored" my husbands needs for quite some time. Not an excuse for what happened, but I was to the point where I would not have blamed him if he had stepped outside our marriage to satisfy his needs. And I will just say for clarification that my depression is well managed at this point. So February of my husband admitted to me that he had fallen in love with a co-worker.

• Combat Stories.
• La guerra de los capinegros (Spanish Edition)?
• As my kidults finally prepare to leave home, I consider the pros and cons;
• Advice for being the polyamorous partner to a monogamous spouse.
• We love you!;

We had become friends with said coworker and had even been out to dinner with her and her ex boyfriend. He assured me that nothing regretable had happened yet, but he wanted to tell me before something did as he still loved me and was afraid of losing me. I did a lot of soul searching and research on non-monogamous relationships. One thing he said to me stuck out which was "Who says we can only love one person? At this point we had been married for 22 years and our youngest child was 18 and in college.

I decided that this maybe wasn't the worst thing that could happen, at least he was honest with me.

So after much thought and consideration I welcomed his lover and her daughter into our relationship with the understanding that we were not going to be splitting up and she would be treated equal. We even discussed the possibility of the two of them having children together.

This turned out to be the best decision we made for our relationship. While things did not work out between the two of them and we both ended up heartbroken, we did learn a lot about each other. The most important being open communication. My husband and I have not been fortunate enough to find another commited partner at this point, but we have maintained a much more open relationship and are very much happier than we used to be.

That being said, our decision was not very well accepted by our friends and family, but that is a topic for another time. I lived through something exactly like this. My husband brought up the poly conversation and against my wishes was dating within a few months. Or so I thought. I have since found out that he had already been cheating on me for years and had only done this to try to ease some of his guilt. I now have PTSD, a therapist and a divorce lawyer. This is not Poly, this is abuse.

If they do want to know, be sure to not hide it. If they do not want to know, respect that. If you want to be with more than one person, make each person know exactly why you find joy in them. Tell them how they are unique, and show it too, because words or deeds alone are not enough. Jealousy comes from distrust. If your poly partner does not trust you, it is your responsibility to find out why and fix it. If words, deeds, time do not help, try therapy. If they are hurting, you have done everything to fix it and they are still hurt by you, it is time to be honest and let go.

Make space—equal space—for all of your partners. Make them feel valued, in the ways they need to feel valued. Feeling like an irrelevant peice of meat in an endlessly turning rotisserie sucks. It is better to spend a night alone than make your partner feel lonely in your presence. Watching a movie together is bonding for some, dissonant for others.

Ask your person if going out or staying in, doing something active or just relaxing makes them feel loved and bonded. Find something that hits both of your buttons..

Marc’s view

Do not buy both the same gifts and make sure the places you go and things you do with each partner are different things, because they are different people. The person you have been with longest should not feel demoted when you meet a new person. If you meet two partners at the same time, and feel equally strongly about them, find ways that they are different, and ways that each is special to you, and tell them, and make it clear to them that they matter.

Treat people well, see people as individuals who are treasured or let them go. This just felt so negative and not what I expect from Offbeat, I felt a very real need to make it less biased and more loving. I love what you've written, Didi, and it makes a lot of sense.

But, I just want to add that the original post is just as valid because it is her own experience. Yes, it's negative… that's what she's dealing with. I wonder how many people are struggling with the same issues and trying so hard to be "okay" with the idea of poly, but sacrificing their own happiness and well being. This is an important story to share and I'm grateful Offbeat brought it to the forefront; otherwise we'd just be echoing to ourselves in a "poly is wonderful" bubble.

It's important to be open to everyone's perspective and experience. Positive or negative, it's just as valid. I would love it! I wouldn't have written anything if she had said "here is what I am going through" rather than implying "here is what all mono folks in a poly relationship feel". Her story is deeply personal, painful and important; it resonated deeply with many of us.

I only tried to make a rewrite that matches the title. If you want to make edits to it first then just go ahead and submit it to us through this link when you're ready: I'm not poly or open and I wouldn't use poly to describe this, myself, but open seems more appropriate , but this goes against everything my friends in healthy open relationships believe and practice. You aren't poly, and it really seems like you've been bullied into this.

Poly people are responsible for awareness and management of their emotions, and for communicating problems, changes, injuries, and renegotiating boundaries with their partners. This is true for you and pretty much any monog people in any relationship , but this doesn't absolve other partners of their responsibilities to you and your boundaries and feelings.

Your husband doesn't seem to understand that the foundation of a healthy relationship is in boundaries and respecting them. This goes exponentially more in open and poly relationships because it's so easy to hurt people. The total lack of respect that this dynamic you're describing involves is extremely unhealthy. It sounds like he came and told you "I'm poly and want to sleep with other people and I don't care whether you like it or not.

Deal with your own shit because I'm not going to. At the very least, you and your husband need to sit down and have a very explicit negotiation about boundaries, priorities, respect, and limitations. It's not sexy, it's not fun, and it may not be happy, but it's integral and it's vital. If you can't have that, or he can't adhere to your agreements, then he's cheating and you've got some more decisions to make. Before you torture yourself about having said the four words "for better or worse," didn't he say four OTHER words, like "Love, honor, and cherish"?

It's not even an open marriage.

Those are agreements — meaning everyone involved is on the same page. This is having an affair, and then calling it poly only because he turned off his deception filters. Thing is, the compassion filters got turned off, too. So you get saddled with all the bad feelings. The example you set will be the lesson your girls learn. Your daughters need a strong, wise role model more than they need a stoic, suffering martyr.

You're a mighty chick, OP. Use that strength for some righteously positive problem-solving! Get thee to therapy and figure out the best way to solve your problem. You both made an agreement to each other when you got married, and your particular agreement did not involve non-monogamy or even the possibility for such a shift, right? I personally think he's allowed to request that you reassess the terms of your marriage as partners and allies, given that people can and do change over the course of a lifetime, but if you both can't fully and joyfully agree to the new terms…this is not something you should learn to live with.

Relationships of any type only work when both people want the same thing. You do NOT want the same thing anymore. There is always more than one side to a story, but the picture painted here is painful to look at: A man that perhaps did not ask to discuss his feelings and see if there is any way to make room for them with both people on board, but instead told his wife what their marriage vows now mean. A man that is seemingly oblivious to the impact his behavior is having on his wife, and dishonoring her truth and experience, making it impossible for her to trust and confide in him.

It doesn't seem possible for both people to be in partnership any longer. You are suffering so much. It's a tough call about your kids. My parents stayed together even though their relationship fell apart while I was in utero. I had a stable family life and two devoted parents and it really served me well…but now I'm 32 and seeing the toll it's taken on both of them, especially my mom, is absolutely heartwrenching. There is still damage done to me by their decision. It's a pretty big part of my life now. It has somewhat traumatized me as an adult child to slowly discover what really happened to them all those years, shaking the foundation of what I thought was real, what I thought love was, and marriage.

He is not going to stop. He is crazed off of the infusion of new love and new relationship energy and testosterone in his bloodstream. The only person that can advocate for you is yourself, OP. So sorry to hear all this. I have seen poly done well, even with a monogamous person in the mix and this is not it. I am worried about you, Angel, and your kids. Just because one partner falls in love with someone else, does not mean that person has the right to change all the rules on their own terms.

You get to make rules too. If your partner can't respect your rules and listen to your feelings, well that isn't love or healthy. Maybe your husband is a good man who loves you, but if he doesn't know that you are miserable then how can he help you? Perhaps you should send him the link to this article and tell him you feel EXACTLY like this and what are the two of you going to do about it?

His answer will tell you if your marriage is over or still has a chance. Best of luck and know that we are all rooting for you. Then maybe show that you're not a sure thing, cause form the list it surely looks like you'll take it all not to lose a resemblance of the family nucleus that worked before the other party decided they wanted "more".

He changed the rules, then feel free to set some of your own, not just making lists of what upset you of this new situation, but making rules and boundaries just as he did by introducing the new "dating and falling outside of the couple". She mentions taking new dates to "their places" and of course this would be upsetting, then maybe make it a rule that's not an option? I mean, you endure him have sex with others, he can endure standing some of your rules too.

I am a poly partner with a monogamous spouse and your artice indicates that your relationship was not read to go the poly route. There seems to be alot of confusion and frankly you sound like you are settling. What about YOUR happiness? What about YOUR security? If this situation is destroying your marriage and YOU it is not worth it. The "tips" here seem like venting about what is off with your situation.

Not what went wrong and how you two have figured things out. You sound hurt, sad and lonely. You sound like an unhappy women stuck with unfaithful husband who wants to keep her family together. This is not poly. Your husband may still love you but what he is practicing here does not sound like polyamory by the result it sounds like emotional manipulation and misplaced attention. Poly can work but this clearly isn't for you. You tried it for the sake of your family and it isn't working. Compersion is not you. You can set boundaries and rules too.

You will be happier alone. My Mother's second marriage. One of their agreements was his relationships outside the family were cool as long as it didn't impact the family. Obviously, I didn't know their deal at the time. Something felt off as a child in the household. New close family friends appearing and then disappearing. Family plans where he wouldn't be there at the last moment.

Trips to museums and movies with other families where he and the other parent would leave us bewildered at the event with these unfamiliar children. Asking my Mom what she was taking a prescription for and her careful explanation that sometimes when your spouse was ill, you would need to take medicine too to avoid getting ill. We felt the tension, and unreliability.

They were in therapy, together and apart. Ultimately, whatever their agreement, the marriage failed. He found a "love of his life". But long before that time, we daughters had learned not to trust or rely on this father figure. As adults, we continue to struggle with healthy relationships. I understand the reason for posting this showing the other side of poly, that not any kind of relationship is perfect, that toxic relationships exist in all forms , but I think this is a little bait and switch. The title seems to make the article neutral and is not fair to the author, who clearly is using this as a way to express her pain that her husband is causing her.

I think it does polyamory a disservice to try to market the article this way. If someone abuses the claim of an offbeat lifestyle to abuse their partner, I think it belongs on Offbeat home and life. Yes, her hurt and anger are obvious, but there is true advice in there as well.

To reject it, because it isn't a happy story, or because it does polyamory a disservice, would be unjust. He husband is the one doing polyamory a disservice. She is not doing polyamory a disservice, and her writing is not doing polyamory a disservice. It's the asshole husband who is doing that. She deserves to be heard, and her message should be considered. Don't blame the victim, or the platform giving a voice to the victim. I'm not doing either of those things.

I'm saying that the title of the article paired with the content is not doing it justice. This just sounds like cheating. The title to this was misleading, I am so sorry for your pain though. I have been here. I cannot tell you how much I feel your pain a scenario like this ruined my life. The fact of the matter is that humans as a species have an unusual mating pattern.

Most species have evolved to fit squarely into a particular niche with respect to mating: One pattern becomes dominant. Most species are non-monogamous, though some are. With humans, there are actually two distributions of mating behavior: In Western culture, the monogamous pattern has historically been enforced, leading to a lot of unhappiness for the poly camp. The positive thing about the fact that the poly pattern is becoming more openly accepted and widely recognized as a thing is that people can confront this upfront, before entering into a relationship.

It should absolutely be the first thing discussed, on the first date, before people fall in love or become entangled with marriage or family. This should be discussed in sixth grade sex ed along with where do babies come from. The difficulty here is that I suspect there are more men than women who would be on the poly side, leaving a dearth of options for the mono women. Though this may not be the case. When a man truly falls in love with a woman, he will not be interested in other women.

As much as this hurts, you need to understand that keeping your family together is not the only option. My parents divorced, found other people, and were happy. It was absolutely the best scenario for our family. You do not need to be poly, but you should take this opportunity to seek out a new partner.

Offbeat Resilience: posts related to the next Offbeat book

If I were you, I would not allow my husband to touch me. You deserve the love you desire, in whatever form that takes. My husband just told me he is poly and I can't see any way out that doesn't leave me alone, whether we stay married or not. And I'm so sorry to hear of your pain. Someone who informs their monogamous partner that they are poly and then sees other people without the freely given consent of their partner is cheating.

I loved him, and monogamy was important to him, so I made the decision to be monogamous. Our relationship did end in divorce, but because he became abusive — and that has nothing to do with being monogamous or polyamorous. He was just a jerk. It just means I have more people and dynamics could work for me. You have every right to your opinion and needs too! You are allowed to express your needs and thoughts just as much as him.

Please know that no matter what you end up doing and no matter what relationship structure you end up in, your health and happiness are important. Thank you thank you thank you for writing and posting this. I had the "bomb" dropped on me last week and I have no one to talk to about it. I've been provided with a bibliography of resources to help me come to terms with how normal this is and to help me understand how wrong I am to have feelings that oppose the inevitable, but this is the first piece of writing that speaks to the helplessness and loss I feel today.

I'm not here to start any fights or cast aspersions on the choices anyone has made. If there was a group for discussion by people in our situation I'd like to know about it. This article was written from the heart. I, too, had the "bomb" dropped on me in April, and I'm using every fiber of my being to hold it together.

We have had two instances in the past 4 months where we almost divorced since he presented me with how he truly is, and what he desires — to "be an adventurer" — just like other people desire hang-gliding or bungee jumping, he wants "sexual adventures". We just 'celebrated' our 28th wedding anniversary, and I can't say it was a particularly joyful weekend. I, like you Boris, feel absolutely helpless and the depression is winning. Having been raised in an emotionally abusive household from my mother, my husband became my best friend, my true confidante who helped me out of that horrible situation.

But, ever since he dropped this on me, I feel as if I have no one else to turn to, no support system, no friend. However, I must say that I have set up an appointment with a therapist next week, so I hope that will help. I'm monogamous to the core, but I've been reading and trying to understand how not only some people are wired differently, but "marriage" was created — it's 'not in our nature'.

Logically I can understand that, but emotionally, it is so difficult — it feels practically impossible to overcome the heartache and pain. I don't want to hear from people responding that he's a horrible person. He's not — he's one of the most generous, kindest people I know, which makes it even more difficult because I don't hate him. I had no idea my comment had garnered response… I'd like to follow up with you and see how you're doing… compare notes. I have many more observations and have a much more nuanced understanding of things than I did in August.

Not to say that I am happy about it, but I have a better understanding of a way to go forward and keep our family intact. Still lots of heavy and depressing nights but I feel more hopeful that before. I know I can't make real contact through this page but if you'd like to chat please look me up on Fetlife, my name there is DaddyBoki… I'm thinking of carving out a "Victims of Poly" group there if there is some interest — it's pretty pro-poly community. I've had somewhat of a similar situation transpire during the current week.

I am a mono partner in the current polyamorous relationship, which includes my girlfriend and her boyfriend. I had fallen in love with my girlfriend long before I found out about her being poly and I had known about her boyfriend before I agreed to enter into the relationship. About eight months ago we had made the decision for me to enter into the relationship with me and her together and her boyfriend as sort of mine, but more of a friend and was there for emotional support if I needed it.