What Every Child Needs: Meet Your Childs Nine Basic Needs for Love

Parents who set ever-expanding healthy limits for their maturing children provide them with the safe haven that every child needs to grow and thrive. In an overly permissive family, children often suffer from the lack of emotional security that well-defined rules and boundaries provide.

In an oppressively rigid family, children may suffer in the area of personal growth because they are not given enough freedom to learn how to depend on themselves. Kids do best in a balanced environment of clearly defined and enforced limits that are fair, non-oppressive and occasionally negotiable, as they grow through the different stages in their lives. Feelings of love have no value unless they are given.

Enthusiastic parental expressions of delight and support provide vital emotional nourishment for a child's developing sense of self-worth. Since children base their self-concept on how they perceive their parents' feelings toward them, it is not enough to merely have these feelings; we must routinely demonstrate our love for them throughout their early years and beyond.

New research indicates that this essential input actually stimulates the growth of neuronal connections within the brain in those areas associated with positive emotions, giving kids the best possible chance to live a lifetime filled with inner joy. The study of the human mind reveals that all of our emotions - even the so-called negative ones - play pivotal roles in our emotional health. As a result, children need to have all of their emotions validated supported , when expressed in appropriate ways, to ensure their proper development.

Kids Health - Mental Health for Children

Take the powerful emotion of anger, for example. It's true that children cannot have everything they want. But denying them the freedom to express their displeasure about it may cause their healthy anger to become repressed, which could cause them health and relationship problems later in life.

Conversely, children who have difficulty calming their own anger will need help in learning how to maintain control. Through the use of soothing words of validation for their anger, such as, "that would make me mad too," these children will begin to emulate this comforting tone in their own heads and eventually learn to calm themselves down. A child's healthy attachment to his or her primary caregiver s is the first way that children learn to feel like welcome and valuable members of the human community.

This core sense of belonging to the family group is what enables children to move confidently into society and reach out to others in a spirit of good will and camaraderie. Another important aspect of inclusion is learned when children experience the satisfaction of having others depend on them. This is taught in the home by having kids be responsible for age-appropriate family duties.

These responsibilities help children embrace the concept of "earning one's keep," and that other people's needs are as important as theirs are. Children naturally take their cues form parents or caregivers about how to interact with others.

What Every Child Needs For Good Mental Health

This means that the most effective way to teach children emotionally healthy thoughts and behaviors - from interpersonal relationship skills to the ability to deal with life's daily frustrations - is for parents to model emotional health for them. The contradictory messages contained in the "Do as I say, not as I do" parenting style do not serve children well because it is not a parent's words that children are most influenced by; it is their behavior. If we expect children to develop the emotional and thinking skills necessary to accomplish their goals, it is essential that they internalize the psychological traits of goal-setting and self-motivation.

Studies have shown that maintaining high expectations for children is the most effective tool that parents can use to help them become the best they can be.

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Of course, this does not mean holding children to impossibly high standards, or scolding and punishing them when they do not perform well. Instead, through the use of measured encouragement and praising, the feelings of self-confidence and inner satisfaction that children gain from their personal accomplishments will motivate them to work toward fulfilling their dreams. It is normal for emotionally healthy children to "fight" with their parents as they mature, continually pushing the boundaries to gain more personal freedom and control over their lives.

It is the natural expression of a child's journey toward full independence in adulthood. Power-sharing is a teaching method that offers children structured choices as a way to guide them through the process of expanding their physical and psychological boundaries. If parents or caregivers are willing to negotiate new boundaries with their maturing children - while resisting the urge to always dominate them in order to maintain control, or always give in to them because they tire of arguing - it creates an interactive, cooperative home environment where kids can learn the critical life skill of balancing their own needs with the needs of others.

It is crucial for parents or caregivers to be honest with themselves about their own level of emotional health and their ability to effectively nurture their children. If the goal is to raise emotionally healthy children, then we can't sit around and rely on the tired old excuse: If we have an emotional problem of our own - be it inappropriate anger, difficulty showing love, overly controlling behavior patterns, emotional withdrawal, or what have you.

Our kids are too important not to. Attention - We don't believe "attention" is specific enough. For example it is possible to give someone negative attention by over-controlling, criticizing etc. They mention "feel valuable" - this is similar to our belief that children need to feel valued.

We prefer valued, however, because valuable sounds a bit too much like they could be sold! Understanding - We agree children need to feel understood. They confuse trust, understanding and emotional safety however. It also souds too much like the goal of parents understanding their children is so they can use this knowledge to control or manipulate the behavior of the child or teen. They imply children need some amount of freedom, but we would just say directly children need freedom and need to feel free.

You can feel free and still feel safe You don't need punishment to help you stay safe. Expressed Love is too general of a term, but we agree with the thought We also say "loved". Inclusion - We are not to thrilled with their reference to "earning one's keep.

Modeling is not really an emotional need.

You can say "I feel understood" but it doesn't make sense to say "I feel modeled. And again words like "the use of measured encouragement and praising" suggest they are wanting to manipulate their children, for example, with rewards for desired behavior. Many individuals have written about the basic needs of children. Researching these articles has brought me to one conclusion: The needs are very similar, just stated in different words.

I will refer to an article published by the National Association for Mental Health, as it refers to one basic word and then provides an explanation. The 10 basic needs of children in no particular order from their parent s are:. Acceptance — Children need to believe their parent s like them for who they are; that they like them all the time and not only when they act according to their ideas of the way a child should act; and that they always accept them, though they may not always approve of the things they do.

Control — They need to know there are limits to what they are permitted to do and that their parent s will hold them to those limits. They must be taught self-control to avoid hurting themselves and others when they feel jealous or angry. Faith — Children need a set of moral standards to live by, a belief in human values, kindness, courage, honesty, generosity and justice. Guidance — Every child needs to have friendly help in learning how to behave toward persons and things.

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Grownups around them show by example how to get along with others. Independence — Children need to know their parent s have confidence in them and will help them develop their ability to do good things for themselves and others. Love — They need to know their parent s love them, want them and enjoy them; that they matter to someone; and that there are people around them who care what happens to them. Praise — Every child needs approval.

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Children, like adults, need a pat on the back for something good they have accomplished. It is not small; it is important to the child. Protection — They need to know their parent s want them safe from harm; that they will help them when they face a strange or frightening situation. Recognition — Children need to be recognized for what they are inside and outside the home.

Consider them in planning a new home, buying furniture, a new car or going on a vacation. Security — All children need to know their home is a place of safety; that their parent s will be at hand in time of need; and that they do belong to and are an important member of the family.