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I was taken a back. What I learned was that the first week of school when I suggested to John that he move from my class into Advanced Algebra 2, he went home that night and talked to his mom. John felt that for the first time he mattered, that he was seen, heard, and understood. Being the quiet successful student that he was, no one ever stopped to make sure he was included.

The collaborastive environment of my class made John feel like he had a role and mattered not only to me, but other people as well. He had always been a successful math student, but in my class it was more than that.

He never switched to the class that I thought he belonged in because plain and simple, he loved being in my class and loved his teachers. I was moved to tears. Every time John earned an A in my class to when he earned that final , I never thought it was because of me. I never thought I mattered. I truly felt that anyone could have taught him this subject and he would succeed. And John, just like I almost never knew that I made a difference in your life and education, you may never know just how much of a difference you made in my life.

But just know, you will always matter to me. The dreaded Logs and Exponentials test. The one test that each year without fail makes the lowest test average. Grading this test is always hard for me; failing grades back to back … to back. Sure, you can clearly see your top students excelling and see which students put in the time and effort to study.

But for what feels like most of students, all you see is your own disappointment. That afternoon after grading those tests, I came home completely distraught. What was I going to say? What was I going to do to help them bring up their grade? It consumed my every thought. It was more than disappointment, it was personal. So, I sought out the advice of my fellow teachers and asked them how do you not take it personally when your students fail?

I was looking for a magical potion to carry my worries away and every teacher I turned to gave me the same answer. Teachers spend an insurmountable amount of time and energy on each of their students to help them learn and succeed. I make myself available to my students each morning. On this test, I provided them with not one or two but three test reviews. I even told them exactly what was on the test, down to the very questions. And yet, only a handful of them went back to study.

I declare it, I love you so much...

How could they do that to me? I spend at least 6 hours each day with my students at the center of my mind thinking of activities and resources to help them learn and succeed. They spend very few hours thinking about my class outside of the 90 minutes every other day when they are actually in my classroom. And as a result, we end up with mixed emotions and meager explanations. Let me talk to their old math teacher and find out how they did last year. Maybe there was something more I could have done. The next day I was ready to give their tests back. I had a pep talk all planned out for them.

I was going to give them encouragement that they could bring their grades up and I was ready to help them get there. What if they would all gang up on me and tell me I was an awful teacher? What if they were right? Before I give them back to you, I want you all to know that this test is notoriously the hardest test of the year. This is the first time this class is difficult and you need to study harder than you did before. I know you all can do this and this material is difficult, but I am here for you to help you succeed. All of the grief that this situation brought me was for nothing.

And it made a lot of sense after the fact: And I have to be ok with that. So did my spiel of encouragement prove to be effective?

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All I can say for now is that later in the week, I overheard everyone asking their friends if they studied for their first trigonometry quiz. They say that between years 4 and 5 teachers reach a bump in their careers. But not like this. It is between years 4 and 5 where they decide if this is really the career for them or not.

If they can get past this hump, they are good for life. This is year 4. Specifically, student apathy towards education. The number of students who do not care about their education enough to do their homework or to study for tests and quizzes or even show up to class is overwhelming. This year more than ever I noticed it.

But looking back, this has always been an issue for me in my career. I know it seems silly to a non-teacher. You see, from the moment a student walks into our classroom, we have begun to form a relationship with them. Within the first month, we have reached an understanding of each other and know how to work together. By the second month, that respect and understanding has turned to love. For me, the hardest part about teaching is watching someone you love make poor choices when you know how much they are capable of.

And so what happens? Teachers beat themselves up going from counselor, to assistant principals, to parent-teacher conferences trying to help everyone understand that this child needs help. And after giving all of that time and energy to the success of this child, coming to that realization is the hardest part about it all. My first year of teaching, my mentor told me you have to care just a little bit more than your students. Then they will figure out a way to meet you and then you do it again until they finally meet your standards.

Because caring a little bit more than each of my kids is exhausting. I am exhausted from chasing a student who chooses to sleep in my class every day and trying to convince him there are better math classes he could be taking that will help him achieve his future goals. Or he can do the math he signed up for, and after we create a plan to help him get there, he comes in the next day and sleeps through class again.

I am exhausted from the number of students who never meet my standards for how much I want them to care. And more than anything, I am tired of taking their apathy personally. Right before winter break, a wise teacher gave me some life-changing advice: I needed to find a way to care less. I know that sounds terrible, as if the solution to apathy is more apathy. And the sheer amount of guilt I felt from deciding to follow this advice is insurmountable. But what I learned over the past month was that I love each and every one of my students dearly and I will always care about them and their success.

But it is not my job to care about their education for them and more importantly, it is ok to love myself more than I love the m. There are more important things in life than my job. Now, I leave every day at 3: Instead I focus on the students who do care and want to be successful. I will continue to drop heaven and earth in a heartbeat to help them. I pour my heart and soul into my lesson plans because planning fun and engaging activities has always been my favorite part of teaching.

I continue to fight for, not just my apathetic students but, all of my students, just in a more healthy and less all-consuming way. For the first time in my career, I have the time and energy to care and love myself. I actually have time to go to the gym now and do the things I love, like blogging. But the downside to all of this: I feel so guilty.

And why do I feel guilty? Well, over the past month here is what I have figured out. Teachers can be all of this and more, but between the hours of 8: But one thing is for sure: Not just for my students, but myself as well. I was down all the time and had no idea why. I loved my job, my newlywed marriage was amazing, I had great friends, and I had no reason to be unhappy. But I knew something was wrong, and everyone else could see it too… and everyone wanted to fix me. Is everything ok at home? You should drink more water. Have you tried yoga?

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But to actually experience everything that she had been going through was frightening. Amidst a constant state of sadness and insecurity there is a looming sense of dread from having no idea what is troubling you to begin with. Eventually, after about a couple months and a lot of inner reflection and maybe some yoga , I was able to bounce back to my normal self. I am happy, bubbly, enthusiastic, optimistic, and laugh without fear of judgement. I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person and make no apologizes about it. This is who I am at my ground state and I am proud of it.

But this is also the reason why I have only about four best friends and only surround myself with a select few. I am constantly accosted by even random strangers asking me to calm down or who give me dirty stares when I laugh too loud. But that summer, fresh off a spout of sadness that I had never before experienced, every time I was met with this kind of disdain, it was even more shocking than before.

The optimistic posts I would put on Facebook, amongst terror and political pessimism, that was met with comments from people that accused me of being insensitive appaled me. The other day I was watching Shark Tank and there was an incredibly enthusiastic lady who was selling plush animals with a comb inside of it. Laughter, optimism, a greeting, a smile. Because seriously, this world needs more of it. And moreover, you never know how someone is or was feeling deep down. That happiness may be the last thing they have to hold on to. It has an affirmation for every day which I have been reading before bed each night to help you look and feel beautiful.

It has tips on staying healthy, skin care, beauty, and helping you lead a happier life.

It could be relaxation if you felt the previous year was very stressful, or happiness, if you want to be sure to pay particular attention to what is and is not making you happy this year. My word for is balance. I am halfway through my 4th year of teaching and have come to some pretty difficult realizations. I have allowed my job to consume my life. For the past four years, I have stayed at school into the late hours, bringing papers home to grade, doing lesson plans until 8 or 9pm, answering messages from students while cooking dinner with my husband.

I have sacrificed so much time, happiness, dinner dates, and quality time with friends and family. For the majority of my students, the sacrifices were worth it, but were they necessary? I love what I do, I love my kids, and I know there is a balance that needs to be found in there somewhere, and will be the year I work towards finding it. Because I have come to realize that I deserve it. I have an amazing husband, incredible friends, a wonderful family and I should not be letting anything in the way of that.

For so long I felt a pang of guilt when I would receive a message from a student during the late hours of the night with a homework question and thought I can answer that later, let me enjoy this wonderful evening with my husband. But, in the back of my mind, I would be distracted, thinking how should I respond to her? For 4 years, I would watch teachers leave the building right when the bell rang and thought wow I wish I could leave now, I just have so much work to do. Well this is my year! Because if there is something I have learned from experienced teachers it is that there are more important things to life than my job.

I have definitely lost sight of this concept. For so long I have believed how can the life of one person mine be more important than the that I teach?

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You see, when you spend hours per week with your students, you start to build a real connection with them. Their successes are yours, and likewise, their struggles are yours. So much so that you start to believe theirs supersede your own. I would do anything for my students, but I must learn to balance how I feel about their trials and triumphs with my own. Certainly not after 3: I know it will be tough, because even more difficult than not taking papers home from work is not taking home emotions.

When is society going to start caring about the well being of their teachers? All students are entitled to an education, but none of them are entitled to my life. How could my class not be their number one priority? Instead, their response was even more shocking. This is the biggest issue that has made teaching 4. I continue to fight for, not just my apathetic students but, all of my students, just in a more healthy and less all-consuming way For the first time in my career, I have the time and energy to care and love myself.

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