Negotiable and Non-Negotiable Negotiations - Book 3

• ‘Negotiating the Nonnegotiable’ at Work and at Home - Knowledge@Wharton.
• ‘Negotiating the Nonnegotiable’ at Work and at Home.
• La filosofía alemana después de 1945 (Spanish Edition)!
• Negotiating the Nonnegotiable: How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally Charged Conflicts.
• Trade Unions: Resurgence or Demise? (The Future of Trade Unions in Britain)?

He is a psychologist and has provided family therapy. He is also married and a father of three sons. He draws from all of these roles for examples of emotionally charged situations that can become almost impossible to resolve. What makes things so hard to work out? Shapiro says we have to get beneath our emotions to the root of identity: What are the values of our respective tribes and what do they mean to us?

Negotiation takes place in that space between us. The first step is to listen to each other. There are many barriers to getting to a collaborative phase.

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He talks about the five lures that draw us into tribalism and what takes listening off the table. Tribes are adversarial, self-righteous, and closed. Shapiro has broken down all the pitfalls we face in negotiation and given us tools to try to get beyond what can seem to be an impossible task. He uses charts, acronyms, and steps to help break the process down into manageable and focused parts. For example, to try to break the repetition compulsion, there is the TCI method — trigger, cycle of discord, and impact.

The method of evaluating your connection with another is REACH — recognition of existence, empathic understanding, attachment, care, and hallowed kinship. It feels like he has covered every possible variable for conflict with some way to address them.

• Adam and Janes visit to the seaside?
• See a Problem??
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I would love to see one of his workshops where people divide into tribes, develop their own values, and then a space alien enters the room and gives them a specified amount of time to unite into one tribe. If they do not, the world ends. In almost every case, Shapiro says, the world ends. We truly become attached to our identities very quickly and deeply. A part of the book that has a lot of meaning for me is on reconciliation.

We have all felt wronged in our lives, and we have hurt others.

Book Review: Negotiating the Nonnegotiable

Forgiveness often comes up with clients in therapy. Shapiro does a really nice job of going over the process of reconciliation and forgiveness and just what that means. We are cooperative, compassionate and open. And that takes a lot of trust. I highly recommend this book.

I wish we could all read it and begin to use what he teaches to work toward solutions. This is a very solution-oriented book. I also recommend reading the Notes section at the end of the book.

Book Review: Negotiating the Nonnegotiable

There is a lot of useful information in there as well. Shapiro also has an extensive select bibliography which you can use to further your knowledge of negotiating the nonnegotiable. He also spoke at Google. As an example, just last week I was working with Israelis and Palestinians in the Middle East, and sharing with them some of the ideas of this new book, some of the new research, including this concept of vertigo. I got an email two days ago from one of the very senior players on one of the sides of the conflict. In some respects, taking a different approach ends up being the best path then, correct?

You can send all of your employees to corporate training on negotiation. You talk also in the book about the taboos that exist in the office, and can be in the family as well. Or at work, everybody knows that there is dysfunction going on in that one department, but nobody dares tell the CEO or the senior executive for fear of getting socially punished in some way. It affects the bottom line. You did an interesting experiment, which I want you to share because it was a rather unique tack in terms of trying to mitigate and work through what you call the Tribes Effect.

The first time I did it there was back in Forty-five global leaders come into the room. I divide them up into six groups.

Citing Knowledge@Wharton

I ask them to create their own tribes at their tables — what are their values, what are their beliefs, so on. I ask them to dress up in their own tribal outfits. Literally, I have the greatest [stories for] blackmail in the world — a deputy head of state in that room with balloons on his head, VCs helping to create some of the most well known companies, and so on. I have come to destroy Earth. I will give you one opportunity to save this world from destruction. You must choose one of these six tribes to be the tribe of everybody. You cannot change anything about your own tribe, and if you cannot come to agreement by three rounds of negotiation, the world will be destroyed.

You could have saved the world. Three rounds of negotiation, the intensity builds and builds. They are talking rationally, emotions start to pick up, and by round three, in the middle of the room, you have six chairs. Five men and one woman come to the middle of the room. One of the most well-known VCs in the world is one of those negotiators, [as well as] a media mogul, a president of a university.

These men start yelling over one another. You all come to my tribe! Five, four, three, two, one, boom! Our world explodes at Davos. I have run this exercise dozens and dozens of times with groups around the world, and almost always the world explodes again and again. You have two kids or whatever it is. At work, I should not be doing this behavior with my colleague. You get sucked into it. The book offers ideas on how to deal with it. How do people deal with it? At Davos, I asked the group afterward, how do you feel? I did everything in my power to try and make the world explode, but at the end of the day, you had a choice.

Conflict is one of the greatest costs on any business, any company, in any family, and it is also one of the things that we have more than any other power to do something about. Exactly to your point at the beginning because we are human beings, and this is a human problem, there is a human answer. Yes, and at the same time, if you take just a little step back, there often are a small set of factors that tend to drive a lot of our conflicts. Let me lay out a few that I talk about.

Let me give you just one more. We all like to feel high and good in our social standing. Those are the kinds of things we can be aware of. What are the underlying emotional factors that tend to stimulate our negative emotions and get us all revved up? How much harder is it for people who are not only dealing with this type of stress and conflict at work, but then they have it at home? Being the dad of a 9-year-old and two 7-year-olds, I get this quite a bit right now. So you have a 9-year-old and two 7-year-olds. I have a , an 8-, and a 4-year-old. Are the tools perfect?

This negotiating the nonnegotiable, is it a quick fix? The point is it takes work, but there is a path to get there. We are moving toward vertigo. Do you really want to go there now? One other connected point: They are not the problem. The problem is the conflict. How do we deal with it? That mindset shift is what takes people out of that Tribes Effect, that adversarial mindset, and what allows people to save the world.

You talk about how identity is such a strong factor in this.

There are many times when people hold things sacred, which is the term you use. How do you deal with that?

Looking at the current situation between Apple and the government, the FBI, around the phone situation. There is a sacred value that it appears that Apple holds, which is privacy of information. They are willing to sacrifice a lot to risk elements of their reputation for that.

So the sacred is there with us. One huge point is, just recognize it. And even more than that, think carefully — with your various different teams, with the leaders of teams in an organization, what do you hold sacred?