The Instinctual Attraction to Deals

It is generally recognized that in men and animals alike the sex impulse is apt to manifest itself in very vigorous and sustained efforts towards its natural end; and that in ourselves it may determine very strong desire, in the control of which all the organized forces of the developed personality, all our moral sentiments and ideals, and all the restraining influences of religion, law, custom, and convention too often are confronted with a task beyond their strength.

It is generally recognized also how the energy of this impulse may quicken and animate the whole organism, and how it sustains and invigorates all activities which are entered upon as steps or means towards the attainment of the end of the instinct. In this connection the sex instinct is especially interesting in two respects. First, it illustrates, better than any other, the fact that. Thus a youth, though totally inexperienced in and ignorant of sexual relations, nevertheless may feel very strongly attracted to a member of the other sex, impelled to seek her neighbourhood, to follow her, and to find enormous emotional value and significance in the slightest contact.

In such a person the sex impulse may be nothing more than a vague restlessness, a blind craving for some object or impression or experience that he cannot define to himself ; yet under favouring conditions the impulse may carry him on irresistibly to the accomplishment of the actions which constitute both the first and second stages of the process of fertilization. Secondly, the social consequences of the sexual act are so serious that great hindrances are opposed to its completion, both by the constitution of human nature especially female nature and by the customs and conventions, the traditions and ideals, which a moralized society imposes upon its developing members.

Human attraction is weird and confusing—and it’s about way more than looks

Yet the conditions that tend to excite the instinct are very frequently realized in normal social intercourse. Hence it follows that in most members of a civilized society especially in the younger celibate members the instinct is frequently excited in some degree, but only comparatively rarely in some cases never permitted to accomplish its end. The impulse of this instinct therefore, in addition to subserving the primary function of reproduction of the species, plays a large part in co-operation with other tendencies in determining the forms and maintaining the activities of social intercourse.

In the games of children and young people, in their dances and social gatherings, the mingling of the sexes gives a zest to the enjoyment. And in such games as kiss-in-the-ring, in the sophisticated dances of modern society, in flirtations of all degrees, and in the more or less self-conscious efforts of deliberate courtship, the operation of the sex impulse is obvious enough.

Dance and song and the writing of love letters, which figure so largely in the arts of courtship, connect the large fields of social activity in which the influence of the sex impulse is very obvious, with an equally extensive and perhaps even more important province of human activity in which the influence of the sex instinct is more obscure but undoubtedly present, namely, the production and enjoyment of works of art.

The dance and song and literary composition which are used more or less deliberately in courtship may clearly be brought under the general principle that the conative energy of the instinct maintains all activities that appear to be means towards the attainment of the instinctive end. In this respect they are comparable to the efforts of the young man to secure an economic position which will enable him to marry the girl of his choice; efforts which, as we know, are often very energetic and long sustained.

But this principle will hardly explain the part of the sex impulse in those aesthetic activities whose clearly envisaged and sufficient goal seems to be the completed work of art. Perhaps we may partially explain the influence of the sex instinct in such works by invoking the principle that the means to a goal tend, when that.

But the connection between the sex instinct and artistic production is probably more direct in many instances. The stirring of the sex impulse may suffuse the body with energy and the mind with a vague emotion and a longing for something indefinable; and this surplus energy, not being consciously directed to any goal, and being denied the opportunity and the conditions which would lead on the impulse to define itself in action and in thought, vents itself in spontaneous and self-sufficing, i. If this be admitted, it remains a very difficult problem to explain how and why these modes of expending the sex energy assume the forms which we regard as specifically artistic.

This is perhaps the most fundamental problem of aesthetics. No doubt much is due to example and tradition; but I do not think that the full answer can be given, unless we recognize far more fully than is usual with psychologists the innate organization of the perceptual side of the sex instinct. If we consider the facts on the comparatively simple plane of animal life, we find, I think, the key to the understanding of the relation of sex to art. Who can doubt that the female nightingale is thrilled by the music of the male as by no other sound; that the evolutions of the male pigeon are pleasing to the hen bird; and that in both cases this is true because the sex instinct is so organized as to be excited by these impressions?

That the stimulation of the sex instinct in men and women yields a pleasurable excitement even when there is no anticipation of further. When the plastic and pictorial arts represent beautiful human forms, they make appeal to the same element ; but in their higher expressions they present these objects in such a way as to evoke also wonder and admiration, a respectful or even reverential attitude which prevents the dominance of the sex impulse over the train of thought, and, arresting its bodily manifestations, diverts its energy to other channels.

This diverted energy then serves to reinforce the intellectual activity required for the apprehension of the various subtle harmonies of line and light and colour; that is to say; the energy liberated by the appeal to the sex instinct is utilized in enhancing the activity of purely aesthetic apprehension. But, even though this account be in the main correct, it seems probable that we still have not exhausted the indirect influences of the sex instinct.

It is widely held, and though it is difficult to adduce any convincing or crucial evidence, the view appears well founded, that the energy of the sex impulse, if it is not expended wholly in its own channels of expression, may function as a re-enforcer of purely intellectual activities in situations that make no appeal to the instinct. If this be true, we can hardly hope to find any psychological explanation of the facts, though physiology may render them in some degree intelligible. Such indirect utilization of the sex instinct as a great fund of energy available for other than purely sexual activities is the process which Freud has proposed to call " sublimation "; and we may conveniently adopt this term and recognize the general truth of the notion,.

The regulation of the sex instinct always has been and must ever continue to be a difficult problem for the human race. And the difficulty of the problem increases, rather than diminishes, with every forward step of civilization and every increase of the control of far-sighted intelligence over the more immediate promptings of our instinctive nature. For the intellect of man, being superimposed upon this strong animal tendency, whose exercise, because of its great strength, is attended by such intense pleasure or gratification, leads him to seek to obtain the greatest possible amount of this pleasure, and at the same time to seek, with ever more success as intellect and knowledge increase, to frustrate the end for the service of which this strong instinct was evolved.

This is a fundamental disharmony of human nature which not only endangers the happiness of individuals of all times and places, but also threatens every advancing civilization with stagnation and decay. Nature cannot solve the problem for us by altering the innate constitution of the human race; for to weaken either factor of this discord would be fatal to humanity; the weakening of the instinct would mean the extinction of the race; the weakening of the intellect would mean the loss of human attributes and of all that renders human life of more value than the animals'.

The system of sexual morality represents the cumulative effort of society to control and counteract this inevitable result of Nature's supreme achievement, the superposition of man's higher moral and intellectual capacities upon a basis of animal instincts; it is the attempt to solve this problem which Nature has left unsolved, to harmonize the life of intellect and the development of.

And so we find that in societies of all levels of culture the operation of this most powerful instinct is more or less success-fully regulated by an array of laws and conventions, supported by the strongest sanctions of custom and public opinion, of religion and of superstition. And, apart from its primary operations, the great strength of the sex impulse gives it, as we have seen a wide range of secondary functions of great importance for the higher life of man-kind. The problem before every civilization that aspires to attain and maintain a high level of culture is, therefore, not merely so to regulate the sex instinct as to prevent its exerting an influence injurious to the interests of the higher culture, while it performs its all-important primary function; but also to direct it in such a fashion that its immense energy shall be brought as freely as possible into the service of the higher culture.

Hence the importance of a knowledge of the nature and working of the instinct and of its normal course of development. Among those who have recognized the existence of the sex instinct in man, it has been usual to regard it as lying latent in the child up to the age of puberty, and as then rapidly maturing, and attaining its full strength in the course of a year or two. But in recent years a very different view of the course of sexual development has been vigorously propagated by the school of medical psychologists of which Professor Freud is the leader and inspirer.

It is not yet possible to form a decided opinion upon the doctrines of this school. I incline strongly to the view that they have extended to normal individuals generalizations which. But, since it is possible that their views are in the main true of the normal constitution, and since, even, if as I suggest, they are true only of a minority, this minority may be numerous, it seems necessary to give here some brief outline of them.

Freud's doctrine [9] differs from generally received views in maintaining that the sexual life of the individual begins its development at or even before birth. Freud asserts that the child's sexuality, although awake from earliest infancy, is not at first an impulse definitely directed towards any object, but consists rather in a capacity for finding pleasure in a variety of modes of sensory stimulation and bodily movement.

Without going so far as to maintain with some authors that all pleasure is sexual, he regards the pleasure found in these stimulations and movements as essentially sexual. Freud sees in this habit a blind seeking of sexual gratification; he regards it as the source of a number of peculiar hysterical troubles of later life and believes that it always involves the risk of the development of such troubles. He describes the mucous membrane of the lips, therefore, as an " erogenous zone," i. And he believes that every infant possesses, in addition to the primary erogenous zone which consists of the external sex organs them-selves , a number of such zones, any one of which may.

Accordingly, he describes the normal infant as " polymorphous perverse," and believes that accidents of development leading to perversion very frequently occur. This initial stage of objectless sexual excitement or " auto-erotism " is said normally to persist throughout the period of infancy proper; until, about the age of seven years, there begin to operate certain tendencies which repress or keep in check the crude sex impulses, namely, shame, loathing, and disgust.

Under favor-able conditions of environment and training, the sex tendencies remain more or less completely repressed throughout the period of childhood proper. At puberty they increase in strength; but, if the repressing forces are now re-enforced by moral training and aesthetic ideals, they manifest themselves only in sublimated forms; that is to say, the energy of the sex impulse is diverted from the channels of direct sexual expression and is " long-circuited " into channels in which it supports and intensifies intellectualized and refined modes of concern with the natural object of the impulse, namely, persons of the opposite sex.

The processes of repression and sublimation are regarded as somewhat precarious, and as liable at every stage to suffer interferences which will lead to crude and direct manifestations of a normal or perverted kind. It is said, for example, that the sex impulse of the boy normally and properly becomes directed towards the opposite sex by the pleasure that he obtains from the tender ministrations of his mother; but that there is great danger in encouraging the boy's.

The impulse, thus directed, becomes, it is said, repressed, driven into subconsciousness, where it works in a subterraneous fashion, and expresses itself in indirect and symbolical ways in the youth's thoughts, feelings, and conduct. It is said, for example, that the youth grows jealous of his father; but that this jealousy, being repressed, may show itself only in an exaggerated deference towards him. If this state of affairs continues, no great harm is done, save that the youth is rendered incapable of falling in love in a normal manner with a girl of his own age.

Animal Instincts: The Evolution Behind Sexual Attraction | Her Campus

But in some cases, it is said, this state of things issues in the most awful domestic tragedies of which " Hamlet " and " OEdipus Rex " are the type. This school of psycho-pathology describes such a repressed but sub-consciously operating tendency as a " complex "; it speaks of a repressed sexual attraction to the mother with a consequent repressed jealousy of the father, as of the type of the " OEdipus complex "; and it claims to have traced the influence of complexes of this type in the forms of many myths, legends, and works of literature.

In attempting to form an opinion on this Freudian doctrine of infantile sexuality, it is important to remember that, even if we find ourselves compelled to reject it for the normal majority, it may be at least partially true of a minority. For, in regard to the most fundamental point at issue, namely, the age at which sexuality is to be attributed to the child, general biological considerations prepare us to find that individuals differ widely in this respect. It may well be that in an unknown proportion of human beings the sex instinct begins to be excitable.

In considering the question of infantile sexuality, we must therefore attach but little weight to the evidence of it drawn from the study of psycho-neurotic patients, and must rather weigh the positive indications for and against it provided by healthy persons. I have already indicated the fallacy of one piece of reasoning advanced in support of the Freudian view, namely, the acceptance of all manifestations of personal love or affection as evidence of sexuality; for this, as was said, is due to the confusion of the sexual instinct with the sentiment of love.

Only one other piece of evidence on this side seems deserving of serious consideration; the fact, namely, that a considerable number of infants acquire the habit of playing with their sex organs in a manner which implies that such stimulation is pleasurable. If this were the rule with the majority of infants the argument would be very weighty.

But that is by no means true. And we must remember that the infants who acquire this habit may belong to the minority of abnormal innate constitution whose existence we have admitted to be probable. It is very possible also that, by undue stimulation of the sex organs of a normal infant an act of which unscrupulous persons are some-times guilty , the sex instinct may be forced to a precocious and partial development.

In these two ways we may account for the autoerotism which seems to be manifested by some infants, without regarding it as a normal stage in the development of the sex instinct. In support of this last point of this indictment, it may suffice to point out that the Freudian conception of the nature and development of sexuality is radically incompatible with the view that the sex impulse is directed towards the opposite sex by the innate organization of the instinct— a view which is certainly true of many of the animals and which in its application to the human species is, as we have seen, very strongly based.

On the other side, two strong arguments may be adduced. First, a large number of auto-biographical accounts of sexual development have been published. Freud maintains that infantile sex experiences are not remembered by the adult because the memory of them is actively repressed. But he entirely fails to explain why those which he supposes to occur before the eighth year should be forgotten, while those which occur between that age and puberty are remembered. It is also very important to note in this connection that a certain number. Secondly, the observation of the behaviour of children gives strong support to this view.

It is at about the age of eight years that the behaviour of children commonly begins to exhibit indications of their attraction towards and a new interest and feeling towards members of the other sex. Before this age some children display warm personal affection; but such displays commonly involve nothing that implies the operation of the sex instinct.

And one feature of them constitutes indirect but weighty evidence of the absence of the sex element, namely, the complete absence of any reserve or bashfulness in their relations with the objects of their affection, although in other circumstances bashfulness may be strongly displayed. On the other hand, as soon as the sex instinct begins to be operative i. This change of attitude and expression [12] takes place, then, at about the age to which adult reminiscence agrees in attributing the first promptings of the sex impulse; and it can, I submit, only be explained by the assumption that a new and powerful factor normally comes into operation.

The manifestations of the sex instinct are intimately related with and modified by modes of behaviour which are popularly attributed to a vaguely conceived function or faculty termed modesty. But the attribution of them to " modesty " is by no means an explanation of them. Some authors assume that the tendency to such behaviour is a component of the sex instinct ; but, since this quality is displayed in a variety of situations that make no appeal to the sex instinct, that way of accounting for it is hardly justifiable.

It seems clear that modesty is closely allied to bashfulness. We may confine our attention to the modesty displayed in sex relations, and it is convenient to denote this form of modesty by the special term " pudor. The behaviour of the females of many animal species, as well as the human, in the presence of the male is apt to be coy; this coyness of the female is essentially a refusal and avoidance of the sexual approaches of the male in spite of the excitement of her sex instinct. If, as Darwin and Wallace and other biologists have maintained, sexual selection has been an important factor of evolution, female coyness has had a great biological.

For, by necessitating the active pursuit and the courtship of the female by the male, female coyness gives scope for the operation of sexual selection; the male better endowed with strength or skill to over-come his rivals, or with beauty of voice or form or color to excite more strongly the attention of the female, is given scope for the exercise or display of these advantages and opportunities to profit by them which he would hardly enjoy to the same extent, if the females of his species yielded at once to the advances of every male.

But the principle of economy of hypothesis forbids us to make this assumption, if the facts can be otherwise explained. And it is, I think, possible to regard coyness as but the manifestation of pudor under the special circumstances of the approach and pursuit of the ardent male. In fact, it would, perhaps, be more correct to describe coyness as essentially bashfulness displayed by the female under these circumstances. For bashfulness, as we have seen Chapter V , seems to be essentially the expression of a conflict between the opposed instincts of self-display and self-abasement.

And, in the coy behavior of the female pursued by the male, her movements of retreat and avoidance, which are attributable to the latter instinct, are commonly varied at moments by movements of self-display; the dominance of one or other tendency being determined from moment to moment by the increase or diminution of the male's aggressiveness. That the impulses of self-display and self-abasement should habitually complicate the operation of the sex impulse is an inevitable consequence of the nature of. For the sex impulse necessarily intensifies self-consciousness, at the same time that it impels the individual to seek the presence of his or her fellows and to become attentive to their regards; that is to say, it brings members of the two sexes into just such relations to one another as are best fitted to lead to the excitement of the instincts of self-display and self-abasement.

And, in order to account for the greater prominence of pudor and of coyness in the female than in the male, we have only to assume that the impulse of the instinct of self-abasement is in general stronger in woman than in man, an assumption which is borne out by many other peculiarities of feminine behaviour and feeling. In both the pudor and the coyness of the adult woman, the direct operation of this impulse is commonly complicated by other more intellectualized tendencies, notably by the desire to avoid transgressing the conventions of her society and the shrinking from the possibility of inducing disgust in the male.

Animal Instincts: The Evolution Behind Sexual Attraction

For we must recognize that disgust is primarily and specially excited by the secreta and excrementa of the body. And Nature, with an utter disregard for the dignity and high potentialities of the sexual functions, has placed our organs of reproduction in the closest anatomical and even physiological association with the body's principal channels of excretion.

The intimate connection of the operation of these two impulses with that of the sex instinct is clearly illustrated by the fashions of dress of almost every country and every age, and especially clearly perhaps by contemporary fashions in women's dress. It is a disputed question whether clothing was primarily used for the concealment or for the display of the body. The former view has been commonly accepted; but of late several authors have.

But there is, I think, little room for doubt that clothing has from the first served both purposes, as it certainly does at the present time. Good luck Karen, and hey, nice watch! I have a tricky situation where my feelings have grown for someone who is unavailable, seemingly in a shaky relationship, and it appears he might want to be available. I do not want to sit by and wait for things to go wrong with him and her. Before the BR journey, I would have worked harder to pursue him, and quickly ended up lamenting my failure, not accepting it was just the wrong time and I was trying to achieve the impossible.

But wow have I been wrong there in the past. Any words of advice? Cheaters have perfected the kind of flattery and reassurance women who are willing to cheat with them need to get hooked. Happy, you deserve a love who has space in his life for you full-time. This other woman scene is bullshit. If you still feel like being with guy, read more. You know what you need to do for yourself, right? They deliberately leave things cloudy and vague so that they can a see how far they can get with this just for a bit of fun, then b turn around and deny they ever said anything as any kind of promise or encouragement to you.

I found this very unusual, that he should talk about the big things in his life, houses, jobs, plans, holidays etc. And then when we met, he said we should arrange a trip to Spain and work on a project together, and later that the place we met should be our regular hangout, oh and that I should live in his neighbourhood.

But still it looks shady, and that was my first feeling before I walked into his web. What was I thinking? Looks like the very definition of smoke and mirrors. Pay no attention to other peoples gossip about his relationship, either. How would they know. Even in the best marriages there can be conflict, arguments, complaining. Sister, you are in the justifying zone. Then he needs time to heal and get over her before he is ready for your superfox greatness.

Mymble, Oregon, thanks for more reality check. I feel so terrible. I played a part in this, I denied his relationship as much as he did, and when I look back at our messages, I was friendly towards him, maybe I even started it. I think I was simply interested in knowing him better and having some kind of friendship becuase we were in the same boat career-wise, and we work together in a team. Then I guess he suggested there could be something more and I got right in the justifying zone. What a blessing that this post came up. This is a big wake-up call as it could go on like this for months, years.

Same here, you are thinking about putting yourself in a bad situation where the probable outcome is painful. Troubled or not, he is married. That alone is enough info to heed the stop sign, regardless of any messages, niceness, or ambiguity. Forget any ideas you had about him and move on. Two years ago I got involved with a sailor—they do not wear rings because of their work, and at first I assumed he was single.

I started to guess that he might be married, but I did not ask him because deep down I did not want to find out…I should have. After two years of being with him, breaking up because he would not get a divorce is the most painful thing I have ever done in my life. I may have missed earlier posts of yours that may have expanded on that. Sorry about that Happy B. Even so, please be careful and smart …him in a relationship is still a stop sign in my book. Why set yourself up? You are right and I will run, though not easy as we have many ties.

One of the most troubling things for me has been the thought that he came into my life and changed it, all for nothing. Oregon, thanks, this marriage stuff is a whole new thing to me, I spent so many years as an FBG from a young age and emerged into a grown up world where people are more likely than not to be married, how bizarre!

It has forced me to look at myself in ways I never dared to before. I came out of a bad marriage when I literally ran into Mr. EU AC I was totally unavailable myself, not ready for a real relationship although I thought otherwise. Five years later with the AC, I finally felt ready for the real thing. I am ready for the real thing. Unfortunately the AC is an AC and always will be. Lorraine, I can relate to this so much. What worked for me was not waiting for that intense feeling of love and connection to fade before starting to get over the person.

It took me a while to get over my ex because I put too much emphasis on the strong connection I felt for him. If i felt like this, it must be right, right? Waiting for those feelings to fade is like waiting to not want heroin anymore before you give it up. Then I started to invest all that time and energy I used to spend on him in myself. Now, those feelings for him are utterly gone.

So it really does work. Change yourself, and your world changes magically. Nickster, You are so right. I will work on me as you say and I hope that soon I will be where you are. I know for sure, when I start dating again, UGH! I will be so aware of red flags and ready to run at the first sign of EU or AC behavior. Hugs to you and thanks. Thanks for this article. When your having sex before really getting to know the person you ignore the red flags and sometimes your own values. This is my ex, most certainly, blowing hot and cold as you describe at the beginning of the article.

Thank you for opening our eyes to quite a complex, but at the same time completely sensical concept. Thank you Natalie for yet another superb piece. Your posts have helped me to see that his rejection of the relationship had nothing to do with me. I can feel myself healing. Thank you Natalie for everything you do. Day 44 of NC….. There were a few brief moments of insanity, where I even found myself entering the justifying zone!

Mel, Congratulations on 44 days of NC. You should celebrate not loathe yourself.

1. Runaway!
2. The biological rules of attraction - The National.
3. The Hornometer;

We had too much contact and all it did was churn up every bad emotion and pain. I totally felt that I could love him enough to want a long term committed relationship with me. We were together five years and broken up numerous times, the last was over 3 months ago when he started seeing his ex. This man has broken me to a point that I no longer recognize myself. If you really want to get rid of this dude you can. You just have to be very serious about your intentions where he is concerned and do not deviate from your position.

You have a lot to do with why you are still running into him and feeling setbacks because of it. If he was doing the same you would not be where you are now. Miss your words of wisdom. I know, its the whole disappointment cycle. After this past week, I do feel ready to be done with him. Who he is with you is who he is going to be with the next woman and the woman after that so spare a few thoughts for his next victims. I know, in the past I worked for a company who decided to run a valentines day range and WOW, did it make money or what. Sales increased every year and what started out as a fun teenage thing for kids has now turned into a huge pressure, disaster and depression day for so many women and men who are grieving the breakup with a former partner.

The ex AC had me on my knees, devastated and no idea of what or how to get myself back up again. BR has saved and changed so many people on here and all I can say is hang in there because slowly but surely you will get over him. Baby steps girl, and take the valentines day pressure off yourself. Mel, I am also totally dreading Feb. It has been about three weeks since my breakup and it has been quite challenging to say the least.

I have gone from crying a ton, not eating, and barely being able to leave my house for fear of crying, to being able to go to work, yoga, walk my dog, and do other things in a better mood. This post is really helpful as it helps to realize not only what it is in ourselves that is attracted to these people so we can be aware and hopefully change it for the better, but also to realize a lot of the situation is not really us. I am also dreading it as my ex bf is finalizing his papers on his house that day and getting his keys-which was a time I had hoped to be happy for him with his new life changes… I will be so glad when that day is over this year….

I am finding NC to be so hard…was able to do it for one week and then I have tried to contact him to no avail-as he blocks anyone from his life when he gets frustrated. When evening falls and you are sitting all alone on your couch, find a good movie to watch and then take a sleeping pill and go to bed early.

Before you know it, it will be Feb. Hollande met her and cheated on his very long-term partner and mother of his children with her. They then became an item when his long-term partner kicked him out. Acts shocked and surprised. She expected what, him to become someone else? Him to display some other kind of behaviour? She might as well have assumed he was going to turn into a purple duck for her. A few nights reading these articles over several glasses of wine is much better therapy than anything a week in a Paris hospital can do.

Exception to the rule? What they say about OW when W catches them is …. Dreading Feb so much that I have arranged to go out with a female friend! Thank goodness it is only one day. He future faked and fast forwarded me that I had no idea what was real. This had never happened to me before so I have been left confused and upset.

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Onwards and upwards I hope. I broke NC this week, after 8 months…. But it was an interesting experience and showed me how much I have grown and know myself now. Some things were triggered in me for sure…. Knowing that in reality he is an AC, and keeping my whole being in reality gave me a whole new perspective. What was also interesting is that breaking NC was a conscious choice because I wanted to see what it felt like from my new state of personal growth. I joked around a bit and expressed my gratitude for his efforts. He ended up telling me that his mum had passed away an overt mummy lover and I offered condolences and a bit of support.

But it was interesting to see my tendencies as a giver and his patterns of being a taker. Not once did he ask about me or how I was doing…. Knowing all about narcissism and narcissistic harems, I know that he will take what he can get from anyone…. I could even feel my ego wanting to be stroked for being so nice and supportive…. Looking at what is it that I really need. I like being able to share this in this forum. But I was ready for it and it was a conscious choice on my part and something I even discussed with my counsellor who is well versed in all-matters-of-assclownery.

This test was about me…learning about me. And now I will return to NC. And if feels effortless and natural. And I feel grounded and in tune with myself. And I know I can handle any run-ins that might occur without the vulnerability, naivete, and pulls of the past. A great opportunity to not get hooked in old patterns.

And here is something I believe and feel to be true…. Okay, so now you are feeling confident and self satisfied? Prove it to yourself. This test was also a spiritual thing for me, because that is another path that I am on. The test was not an avenue to gain confidence and self-satisfaction. It came from a healthy place of confidence and self satisfaction.

For me, the people who have been through the harshest conditions—and survived—have the greatest potential to transform the madness of their lives. See, that madness made them who they are. I can barely recognize the woman I was 3 years ago. I was a mess. I still have work to do on myself. I too, am but a shadow of my former messy self. We keep climbing up the rungs of an invisible ladder with our growth and self-awareness….

Diagonally across the street. You hit it on the head though, attracted to the fantasy, great sex, and potential… They really are emotionally bankrupt. I think thats also part of my problem, I keep waiting for this man to get a conscience or show real emotions, when he has none at all. So happy you no longer feel anything for him. When I run into the AC, its like starting all over from scratch with the heartache. After too much contact this past week, I had the lowest day of my life yesterday, truly hit rock bottom. An emotional breakdown for sure.

But reading this post and all this great advice, today is a new day, I feel a touch better than yesterday and I know somehow the pendulum will swing once again. Lorraine, please stop waiting for the impossible and keep the focus on you. I did 8 months NC with many times wanting to lash out in anger or whatever…. Each time I resisted contact and addressed what was going on within me was a huge success. I really believe what Nat says in this post.

Once your self-knowledge and self-love are in order, these unhealthy attractions will no longer exist. Men tend to prioritize physical attractiveness more than women, who tend to prefer scent. In case it wasn't obvious already, most of this research is heterosexual by nature. Sexual attraction studies nearly all focus on male-female pairings, and if they do test female-female or male-male attraction it's generally as a comparison point, not a part of the main research.

So take everything else in this article with a great big heaping of heteronormative salt. All of these results might sound pretty primitive. You might know it better as the part of the body that reacts to hormones called pheromones. Lots of animals, from reptiles to mammals to insects, rely on these molecules to send signals like sexual attraction, aggression, fear, territory, and pathways. A horse inhaling into its vomeronasal organ because showing you a giraffe taste-testing pee was too gross.