The True Diary of a Bride-to-be
This is perhaps only bettered by Jim Royle's advice to his son-in-law-to-be on Denise's wedding day:. So if you're going for a night out and you think you'll be back at Then she'll think you've come home early to see her. Oh, that's pretty good, that, Jim, ta. Yeah, me dad taught me that, just a little trick, to keep them sweet. I'll defo use that.
Adrian Mole's royal wedding diary, by Sue Townsend
Well, y'know, it's up there for thinking, down there for dancing, innit Pause You will look after her, won't ya? With thanks to Royle Family fan neveragain on cookdandbombd.
The father of the bride ploughs a strange furrow, being mostly involved in the female side of the wedding. Philip's diary certainly bears this out - although, somewhat controversially, he also went on the stag weekend.
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On a related note, I think that how to address your wife's father is always one of the trickiest questions for a son-in-law. Never quite happy with calling my father-in-law by his first name, I was saved once we had children and I could call him Grandad. Back to the big day. The speech is, of course, the most public part of the FOTB's role, with Dangerdoormouse making this point a couple of weeks ago:. This rarely seems to work.
It can be funny hearing a good best man tell amusing anecdotes about his mate, it doesn't work with a Dad. He doesn't know the really amusing stories about his daughter, and if he does say too much the bride gets very embarrassed. I heard one Dad talking about his daughter's potty training. I've heard one of those speeches too; the bride was clearly mortified.
However, I don't think it's true that the FOTB doesn't know funny tales about his daughter; it is just that they are, probably, mostly from her younger years.
If nothing else — haven't recent developments proved him right about Prince Andrew? A fitful night's sleep. I was in charge of the arrangements so crowds of baying royalists hounded me out of England into the protective arms of Colonel Gaddafi. I woke not to the sweet sound of birdsong or my pig grunting outside my window, but to the deeply upsetting sound of my parents shouting and swearing. I put on my ex-wife's dressing gown from which I'd removed most of the bows and ribbons and hurried to their half of the pig sty conversion.
My parents never lock their doors, believing fervently that if they leave Radio 4 on all day at high volume it will be enough to deter burglars, who will flee in their getaway car if they hear You and Yours , Desert Island Discs or The Archers.
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I pushed the front door open and found my parents on the floor in their nightclothes and my father's wheelchair upside down with the wheels still spinning. It looked like the first scene of a Midsomer Murders mystery. After I'd put my father back into his wheelchair, he lit one of his filthy cigarettes and whined: She's just told me I've got to go to Switzerland. I know I'm a burden but I'm not ready to die. I've not reached my potential yet. My mother lit a cigarette neither of my parents can talk without one and said: She gave him the TV remote and pushed him into the living room.
My mother said in one of her loud whispers: Why does your father always think I want him dead? I glanced around the kitchen: My mother asked me what I was doing on the royal wedding bank holiday. I told her about the Prostate Survivors Group trip to walk the Victorian sewers that run under Leicester city centre. They are meant to be one of the wonders of the East Midlands and are only open for one day a year for bona fide citizens of Leicester.
I said to my mother: Do I owe them or do they owe me? I informed Gracie that "per cent" means She looked up at me with what seemed like pity.
The child was excited because the headmistress, Mrs Bull, had announced at assembly the school's plans for celebrating the royal wedding. Every child is to be given a souvenir oven glove and Gracie's class will sing "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse. I've been asked by the chairman of the parish council, Arnold Bush, to write, direct, produce, market, finance and publicise a playlet about the royal wedding.