Swinging Stories: Swinging 101

We had another long discussion about how far we were willing to go "Let's just go for it all" was our consensus this time , and we showed up with roughly every condom produced that year. Our fantasies were dashed pretty quickly.

The first night, we walked into the venue and saw a bunch of people dressed in the sexiest attire we could imagine think Vegas nightclub, but without any rules about indecent exposure. Everyone looked smoking hot, but we couldn't for the life of us figure out how to talk to anyone. As we walked around, we noticed that everyone seemed to be hanging out in their own cliques. We felt pretty awkward, but we soon realized that this is just natural human behavior. People gravitate toward those they already know.

And when you throw in the strong likelihood that you're going to be exchanging fluids with them later on in the evening, then of course, you're going to be a bit more discriminating about who you're hanging out with. After two hours of hapless attempts to make eye contact and smile, we finally met a group who welcomed us into their circle. But even then, we soon realized that a get-together of swingers doesn't always end in a massive orgy.

Sometimes people just want to catch up.

A Swinging Relationship Can Be Healthy For You, if You "Follow the Rules" | HuffPost

The orgy with this group came the second night seriously, stop giggling. The first night was mostly flirting. And that's the weird thing that I never expected: Because ultimately, these people are friends first albeit friends who make each other sticky. As we delved into the scene, we realized that every couple has their own specific interests. Some prefer to attend parties and participate in orgies like my wife and I, as we soon realized.

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Some are more "introverted" I know, it's a weird term in this situation , preferring to meet other couples through the lifestyle websites. Some couples will do everything but sex soft swap. Other couples will have sex full swap , but only if everyone is in the same room. Many couples get into the lifestyle because the woman realizes she is bisexual, so they're looking for couples where the women can play with each other, but the men are only involved with their own partners, which may sound complicated or even frustrating for the man, but really is far from something to complain about.

And as we've mentioned before , there are "unicorns" -- single women who play with couples, so named because their rarity and allure are almost mythical. Then there are the fake swingers. These couples tend to be younger.

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They attend all the big events, and if there's a stripper pole in the room, you can bet they'll be the first ones on it. But when it comes down to the actual swinging, they're more into the exhibitionist aspect of the lifestyle and ultimately are not looking for sex with other couples. Since each couple sets their own boundaries, when we're out meeting other swingers, the first thing we have to figure out is what they're into.

There are so many different levels of swinging that even people who've been in the lifestyle for decades can't keep track. In case the three years of negotiations I mentioned didn't drive the point home, a lifestyle couple simply can't have any communication barriers. You have to trust each other percent and be open with each other about everything.

Imagine the level of trust you need to be able to tell your partner, "I'm really attracted to this person, and I'd like to have sex with them" As an example of that communication and trust, here's a story one couple we met early on shared with us:. A massage parlor opened up near his work, and he had a sneaking suspicion it was one of those sketchy ones.

He told her about it, so she laughed and replied, "Yeah, you go and check it out. Let me know how that goes. It did, in fact, turn out to be one of those massage parlors where you don't get just a massage. He opted for the "happy ending," but as he explained, it was by far the most mechanical, uncomfortable experience his penis had ever endured. He likened it to being in the grip of a jackhammer.

But here's the best part: She thought it was hilarious, and they both still laugh about it to this day. Twisted as that may sound, there was something we found oddly admirable about a couple who could joke about something like this together. My wife and I agree that stories like this are a big part of what drew us into the scene -- the fact that couples are comfortable engaging in these silly sexcapades and telling each other about them.

We've only been married a few years, but seriously, we now believe this is how you 1 make a marriage last, and 2 keep it exciting for decades to come. Just because we're swingers doesn't mean that we'll fuck any random genitals that people whip out. But that's kind of the impression outsiders get, right? Even when we're ready for sex, we have to respect the other couples, and we definitely don't want to be the awkward aggressive one. So there ends up being a lot of "feeling each other out," so to speak.

OK fine, you can giggle at that one.

No matter how excited we get, we have to recognize when our partner is 1 uncomfortable with the person we're hooking up with, 2 uncomfortable with the person they're supposed to be hooking up with, or 3 just plain not in the mood. A failure to do so is the surest way to jam a spiked butt plug into your relationship.

A Swinging Relationship Can Be Healthy For You, if You "Follow the Rules"

In fact, this was something we noticed about our now-divorced friends. It didn't matter how clearly not into another couple she was, he would keep going and even berate her for not being in the mood. Remember how I mentioned that the wife was pretty ambivalent about me?

That never stopped the husband from trying to hit on my wife. And in the end, that only made all three of us my wife and I, as well as his wife uncomfortable. The sad reality is, you'll often meet a couple where you are totally into your "counterpart," but your partner is not remotely attracted to theirs. Like maybe he looks like Richard Spencer or something. Or hell, maybe he is Richard Spencer. When that happens, you and your partner need to execute some covert negotiations in the heat of the moment. Because you don't want to be an asshole and say, "Sorry, dude.

I like your wife, but my wife thinks you're grotesque. At this point, you either have to agree to call it off completely, or your partner has to be willing to "take one for the team. Now, for the record, some couples do appear to be okay with one partner calling it a night while the other partner keeps going. But most couples we've met are leery of this, because it always smacks of those not-quite-on-the-same-page, not-so-tight couples. We're all out to have fun -- comfortable fun.

And if any couple even hints of drama, well, there are plenty of other couples to hook up with. We've talked before about how this lifestyle is predominantly driven by women , but I wanted to elaborate, because it's a huge part of what makes this work. Whether true or not, the societal stereotype of women being demure and men being walking boners is at least acknowledged in the swinger scene.

And because there is this unspoken assumption that men are more into casual sex than women, experienced couples will often let the women take the lead. That is to say, a couple will move at a pace the woman feels comfortable with.

Many of the events we attend start like any typical party, with everyone just hanging out hehehehe having drinks. As people loosen up, the women start dancing with each other, and at some point, that escalates into touching and kissing. Once they've sufficiently indulged their bisexual sides, only then will the men join in and everyone starts swapping. It just makes everyone so much more comfortable that way. If "reality porn" were honest, you'd skip the first five hours of it. This dynamic does make it slightly more challenging to be a completely straight woman in the scene.

Plus, there's the fact that single men are simply not welcome in the scene. The benefits are they often times create lasing friendships with others of the opposite sex while enjoying sexual pleasures from them as well. Things never get stale and it usually spices up the bedroom when both mates are personally with each other. Some couples enjoy watching other couples and learn to role play and seek sexual excitement from the scenerios they create with others and follow through on. To each his own and many people find their egos get a boost, self esteem is significantly increased as well as their moods, relationships might last longer if couples feel less pressure in the bedroom, no one has any financial obligations, and for some who cannot remain faithful find ways like this to still be married and have a family but are able to see others on the side to fulfill sexual pleasures outside of a loving relationship where both people agree this is what is best for them.

I believe it is best for couples to be discreet when choosing to be a swinger and that children are never involved. If family finds out their loved ones are involved in such a different wild lifestyle it could create a lot of turmoil. I would definitely error on the side of being cautious, but if you are curious then by all means openly discuss with your partner or if you are single then why not give it a try? You might just find you like it a lot more than you thought you would.

I understand this type of bizarre lifestyle does not work for everyone, however, the ones it does work for absolutely live by it and love it. If all of the rules and boundaries are followed and everyone is happy, there really isn't any harm in living together this way! Tap here to turn on desktop notifications to get the news sent straight to you.