Leaving Her Husband for Another Woman

When she met my wife she had been stable for a month or two. My wife and her have been together for four months.

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While I trust my wife's partner, what I don't trust is bipolar. I'm concerned about the different ways it could impact the lives of my kids. So while I want to move towards being amicable co-parents with my ex wife, a dark cloud hangs over the situation. My wife is extremely sensitive and defensive about this issue. As for her reconsidering, I'm not holding out. I figure that she managed to repress a part of her identity for so long, that she could do the same thing in reverse i.

Our relationship wasn't based on a lie. The love we had was real. The joy we had was real. The sexual connection we had was real. Ever since we opened our relationship I always knew that it was a possibility that she would meet someone and fall in love with them, and want to be with them more than me. And I feel like that's kind of what happened - so why am I surprised by this? Because I feel like her decision to come out as a gay was mainly a tool for her to end our relationship.

Ending a relationship is a painful and shameful business. To be the person that leaves someone else - you don't want to be that person unless you're leaving someone abusive. It isn't my whole existence that needs to be reconfigured, but I do feel like the ending of our relationship wasn't based on the truth.

Waiting in the wind

I think moving forward from that will be the most difficult for me. Since almost all of us fear change, it's no wonder so many reject the one who leaves - the personification of change. The other evening I was talking about all this with a friend - a fellow bastard. I was saying how, the more divorce stories I hear, the more convinced I am that few who leave their marriages are truly villains. We can all think of couples who are still together but who are locked in a mutual dance of unhappiness, bullying or blankness.

Their marriages have become self-imprisonment in which both are suffering but neither has the honesty to confront their own misery and try to improve their life by leaving. When we marry someone we really, really do want it to be for life.

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Ask the leaver bastards - almost all of them would say they would much rather their marriage had worked out. They didn't want it to fail. Its failure will have cost them dear; when they leave, they leave behind a home, memories, old friends and routines. They're likely to find themselves feeling naked, dispossessed and exposed, short of money, friends and a past.

It's like pressing the delete key on a whole chunk of life. To a large extent we are our past, and when we walk away from our past we walk away from a part of ourselves. It's a little suicide.

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That was the choice I made: It was the most frightening thing I've ever done. But I'm glad I did it. My husband has just left me, so the dog has begun to chase the chickens again. She has caught the sparks from the thunderbolt that has struck us all. This has meant that at moments of highest drama - such as, Me: It is the sort of thing we would have laughed ourselves silly over a few weeks ago, but there seems to have been a bit of a sense-of-humour failure since Beloved came home and announced his imminent departure to be with Bonk in a Notting Hill love-nest.

It's all in a perfectly noble cause, mind you: Personal Growth - his - and as he so very generously says, mine too. I spent my first night of personal growth lying face down on our lawn chewing grass and keening into the worm casts. I have been doing lots of similar enhanced development work every night since. Sadly, Beloved finds my reactions a little embarrassing. Having been brave enough to break free from the constraining shackles of marriage, he is standing in a shiny new world washed clean of all the cloying shards of years of wasted past.

So when I finally lost it yesterday, and smashed our entire dinner service very neatly in a skip and sliced up my arms for good measure, he was tight-lipped. He told me tersely to change my trousers because the children would be upset if they saw the blood.

Later he asked if there was anything that "sparked it off". At moments like this, headlines flash before my eyes - such as "Aliens stole my husband". Is this the same man who used to balance peanuts on his nose for my entertainment and do walrus impersonations? Nothing much short of Paul Smith and Calvin Klein on his botty these days, and precious little peanut balancing since he became a weekly boarder in London and could officially say he was a film director. Not a great deal of smiling, either.

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Do you ever see a film director smiling? I blame it on the nasty corrupting world of freelancedom where they drink testosterone with egomania chasers. London media freelanceness did for Beloved, poor lamb. He rediscovered the joys of single life, this time not as a poor student but as a grown-up with serious dosh, glam job and a Clerkenwell flat. The closest Ballard got to admitting her feelings was early on in the relationship.

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Ballard and James married and moved to London. Ballard smiles about this now: Three years later, everything changed when Ballard met Sue at work. Until an office night out, when I suddenly said to her after a few drinks, 'I could kiss you. It was as though the whole room had gone into slow motion. I realised I was gay. But after the excitement of beginning a relationship with Sue, Ballard found it hard to deal with the infidelity and ended up on antidepressants. What am I doing? And I felt responsible for James, because he was devastated when I told him three months into the affair that I wanted us to split.

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But everyone was supportive, and has been ever since. Ballard needed James to understand that the marriage was over not because of Sue, but because Ballard realised she was living a lie. Shortly afterwards Ballard met Tessa and they were together for five years. Growing a child on the inside and bringing up a child on the outside are very different — not everyone wants to experience both.

We used an anonymous donor and now have a two-year-old daughter. Does she think things are very different now to how they would have been? And coming out has given me an identity that fits me, because it is me. Now I am both in love and in lust with my partner.