The Apocalypse and Satans Glory Hole!

Feb 27, Autumn rated it did not like it Shelves: Jan 09, Amie rated it liked it Shelves: This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers. To view it, click here. In case people cannot tell from the title, this book is certainly not for the faint of heart or those of a gentle nature.

There is violence, sex, goo, ick and dick jokes - lots of them. An irreverent look at the "end of days". Some tidbits that some may consider spoilers but to give you a bit of a feel of just where the irreverence lies: The Apocalypse has begun but the Seals have not been broken so the Apocalypse is all screwed up and not happening as predicted.

The Antichrist is killed via an eld In case people cannot tell from the title, this book is certainly not for the faint of heart or those of a gentle nature. The Antichrist is killed via an elderly woman and her knitting needle - you'd think the Antichrist would have been able to overpower that. God is a fat fuck working on some other pet project in the galaxy therefore has a complete lack of concern as the happenings on Earth. Jesus is a gambler and a drunk.

The majority of the human race are selfish, stupid, and uncaring assholes focused on sex and getting fucked up. The Four Horsemen are featured on a talk show - also showing the absolute stupidity of the human race - and are not what you'd expect them to be. Except for Death and War. Death is exactly how you'd expect him to be - especially if you are a fan of Terry Pratchett's Discworld books and Death character. There are very close similarities there. However, Death does often wonder with the world and the Apocalypse going to shit as it was if it means he could perhaps die.

That said, Jesus and Death are my favorite characters and it could be partly due to their irreverence but it could also be partly due to them being the most "human" characters in the story. Mar 05, Paddy rated it it was amazing Shelves: Wow this book is the craziest, funniest, mad utterings I have ever read. I was reading as usual in bed getting ready to sleep but with this book it kept making me laugh out loud and uncontrollably that relaxing was just not going to happen!

OK so if your mind is not twisted a little, or bad language upsets you, or references to dwarf porn may offend, then this is not the book for you. On the other hand Wow this book is the craziest, funniest, mad utterings I have ever read. On the other hand if these things tick your boxes you'll have a riot. I don't normally read books to laugh but I'm so glad that I read this, it means there are people out there with far far crazier imaginations than I could ever dream of.

Nov 11, Billy rated it it was amazing. This was the most vulgar book I've ever read. I couldn't put it down. I found myself in tears because I was laughing so hard. Nov 07, G8tes rated it really liked it. Really enjoyed this book. Maybe a bit too long, but lots of fun and very imaginative. Oct 07, A. I liked the first chapter a lot better than the rest of it. I put it down for lack of interest.

Cultivating Chaos

Nov 19, Nancy rated it did not like it Shelves: There are few books I will just put down but this is one. Leigh rated it it was amazing Oct 19, Brad rated it did not like it Aug 15, Kitty rated it really liked it Oct 11, Josh Best rated it it was ok Sep 17, Hayes rated it really liked it Nov 22, Pilot HAmdy rated it it was amazing Feb 03, Leah rated it did not like it May 16, Sima rated it did not like it Sep 05, Dayle rated it did not like it Nov 09, Jacob Frebe rated it it was amazing Jul 12, NO chops at all for that matter.

But this woman is young, younger than he is, and she looks like she is more concerned with her nails than with his needs and that is not cool, man.

Not cool at all. But she also looks worried and keeps glancing toward the exit as if she were preparing to bolt. Just pay for it and pick one up on your way out. Now she may as well be the one speaking a different language. They are freaking out. All they want to do is pay for their stuff and get home to their families. The woman behind him sighs loudly and shifts her items around on the conveyor belt like it will signal him to give it up and move on.

Their entire interaction came down to him asking in his forlorn voice if he could just step in front of her. After all, he only had a few items, and his ankle was acting up from when he was hit by a drunk driver. Now the cashier and her dreads look around.

The Apocalypse and Satan's Glory Hole by Timothy W. Long

The ends of her hair whip around like snakes, and he wants to grab the kerosene, spray the ends and set the little bastards on fire before they come alive and turn him into a statue. He has already been in line long enough to die of old age. What happened to customer service? What happened to the customer is always right? It went the same way as all the big stores.

All the supermarkets with their slick signs and cheap prices. It went away when mom and pop stores became a thing of the past. He is just sick to death of the poor service, the poor selection. The poor attitude of kids barely out of high school rolling their eyes at him when he asks for help.

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He is going to go straight home and blog about this. Oh, he is going to unleash a world of hurt on this particular situation. Once he makes a stop of course; gotta check out a little hole. Gotta check it out and mark it off his map. The cashier rolls her eyes now as she speaks into her fancy cash register phone. The woman sighs, staring at him.

The Apocalypse and Satan's Glory Hole

Screw this woman and her oh-so-important job. Probably has half a dozen kids at home and all by different men. Probably smokes crack around them. Passes the pipe around. Customers shift, and a couple stomp off with heavy sighs to show their contempt. Yeah you sigh like I give a shit. A mage by choice, and a swordsman by necessity, he soon finds out that he'll need to use much more than magic and steel to survive; strategy, creativity, and carefully chosen words can often accomplish what simple attacks can't. Steven Whipp, a normal, poor college student, is kissed and shot on the night of his 20th birthday.

The Apocalypse and Satan's Glory Hole

He realizes three things: But the attempts on his life are just the beginning of his troubles. Steven is a Dragonsoul - a magical race of beings who have thrived, hidden from the eyes of humans, in control of the world. And not just any Dragonsoul but the last in a long line of Arch-Sorcerers, thought long dead. Jason was a little short on creds, so he decided to get his mind scanned.

It seemed like a good idea at the time: Get paid to license a copy of your mind for use in one of the numerous machines that run society. What could go wrong? Turns out, a lot. Jason wakes up in the middle of the radioactive wasteland that was created 50 years ago when aliens destroyed half the Earth. He has no idea why he's here, or what the hell he's supposed to do. Worst of all, he's no longer human. At 30 years old, Phil is an unemployed gamer who struggles to make ends meet.

His only source of income is freelance writing when he feels inspired enough to add another article to his less-than-popular blog. His wife has just walked out on him, leaving him without money, purpose, or food in the fridge. On the day his wife dumps him, Phil receives a mysterious piece of wetware. A game interface seems to have been implanted in his brain, which allows him to see the world through the eyes of an RPG player.

Now that Phil discovers his real-life stats, he can see they're below average. Dead and apparently with a one-way ticket to a place that only the worst of the worst go. All for a simple choice he made about a product his company owned. Damned for all time. Another choice to make. He can instead return to the land of the living, though his soul would belong to another. He is 12 inches tall, full of fluff, and really, really bad at being a hero.

Magically animated and discarded by his maker as a failed experiment, he is saved by a little girl. But she's got problems of her own, and he might not be able to help her. Fortunately for the little golem, he's quick to find allies, learn skills, gain levels, and survive horrible predicaments.

Which is good, because his creator has a whole lot of enemies …. After being betrayed and cursed by an extremely rare spell, Oren, a powerful and influential player, finds himself as a first-level goblin! Without even a fraction of his previous power, he vows to pull through and have revenge on those who betrayed him. His thorough knowledge of the game's world and his unique ability to immerse himself entirely are his only advantages.

But first, he must figure out how to survive long enough playing what is basically a low-level fodder monster! In his junior year at college, the only things on Sean's mind are doing his homework and getting out of college to get a real job. A gamer and a bit of a nerd, Sean's philosophy in life has been to keep his head down and get his work done. But when a failed kidnapping attempt leaves him with a gaping hole in his memory, his oldest friend dead, and his mother missing, Sean suddenly finds his whole world turned upside down as he's thrust into the hidden world of magic and the supernatural.

Terrence Mack was born poor, grew up tough, and died hard. Waking up in a sea cave with nothing but the clothes on his back and a new bullet scar was enough to convince him that wherever his death had brought him, it wasn't paradise. His new world quickly proves to be a place of danger, magic, monsters, and - for Terry at least - women. Known on Celestine as a template, Terry's genes are key to the survival of the eldritch races.

But the fiercely competitive eldritch don't typically leave their lovers alive long, and aren't accustomed to taking 'no' for an answer. Victor Shelby ends each day wondering when his life is going to get better. His parents are dead, he struggles to pay rent, and his boss at the animal control shelter has him cleaning cages instead of working in the field.

His dream of helping animals seems destined to end in a mop bucket. Then, Victor is abducted by aliens and deposited on a prehistoric world filled with hungry dinosaurs and beautiful alien women. When Marine Corps pilot Jacob Merely crashes during a routine mission off the coast of Cyprus, he was sure it was game over.

After surviving the crash and pulling himself onto the sandy shores of a long-abandoned island, however, Jacob unwittingly stumbles headfirst into the ancient ruins of a dead city.

Unfortunately, he also stumbles into an age-old battle between good and evil - and he is now its newest recruit. Armageddon arrived on a weekday, which was really inconvenient for a lot of people, including The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. After their appearance on The Kayla Mangrabler talk show, they decided to go their separate ways and cause as much havoc as possible. Jesus has been stuck at the craps table for three days, sipping vodka and Red Bull, completely missing the end of the world.

But he is about to meet up with Death and go on a road trip that will test their resolve and their blood alcohol content. Meanwhile, an unlikely band of heroes are headed to Las Vegas to fight the Apocalypse. Creepy Chuzz and his one-armed, addict monkey Phil are flying there in an ice cream truck. Chuzz's best friend Leon plans to lend a hand, assuming he can escape the clutches of the insane Father Maniwhore not to mention Pestilence, who has designs on the janitor's bathtub-LSD-addled brain.

Along the way they will encounter bouncing glory hole boxes, militant lesbians, an undead general, a flying demon named Princess Sally, hordes of zombies, and a trio of secret agents hellbent on delivering a Cease and Desist order to Lucifer himself. They'd better hurry, because the Devil is rising in the desert, and he is hungry to start the Apocalypse that his son could not. But only if he can get it on with his giant floating glory hole.

This is a raunchy, yet hilarious spin on the end of days. Basically the Author focuses on sex, sex, and a little more sex. The bad about the audio book is that it was a little hard to keep track of the timeline as it jumped around abit. The good; obvious toilet humor, fart jokes, and a mockery of the apocalypse.

God is bored, Jesus and Death take a road trip, Famine is a large fat woman that if Rosanne Bar read her part it would have been perfect!!! Just silly non-sense fun. If you listen to the sample and like it you will love the book. If you don't like the sample you will hate the book. I could not drink anything while listening to this because there was great danger of uncontrollable explosive laughter at any given moment during this story.

I am not sure why it tickled my funny bone so much since the Apocalypse is a very serious subject, but this cast of characters and the things that happened to them or because of them was like no other story ever encountered in my extensive reading history.