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More actions Give feedback. My Family General field: The sparkly lights, the happy carollers, the rosy-cheeked children, God help us! BEN Oh, my God! BEN Go, go, go Roger! BEN For your information, Scrooge was very much the misunderstood hero of that book.
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Until the end, when Dickens copped out and made him nice. BEN I believe in tradition. BEN Why are you dress like that? We still need a good countertenor. BEN Are you totally insane? This is our busiest time of the year, all the cracked teeth from the nuts, the smashed mouths from the office party punch-ups.
You knew I was evil when you took the surgery upstairs. BEN Why do you guys always do that? What is it, some sort of clown law? Susan, could I have a word with you, please? BEN What is going on? Do you want to be considered? That way we just buy him the one present. Conceiving illegitimately in March was the best thing Janey ever did. BEN Which one was he? BEN Loved him, yep. But he reeked of booze.
BEN How do you like your kids medium rare or extra crispy?
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BEN When in fact it was tens of thousands of pounds ago. Will you excuse me? I have three clowns waiting. By the way, you have three old boyfriends in the living room. Always leave on a good one. See you sometime in the New Year. BEN Then why is she dressed for Halloween? BEN No, I was thinking of bricking it up. All her friends have died. Even her cat ran away. BEN Yeah, yeah, and made you feel guilty. My mother is like a horror film.
What do you mean? God, take me know. Just take that, baby. Something small, she said. Something small… Twelve hundred pounds? All I got is an ironing board cover. Ooh whoo, hoo whoo. It is for…Oh, my God.
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BEN Do you do Hen nights? BEN I… I did that? Well, I am a good parent. BEN Eleven hundred and ninety seven pounds and fifty three pence. BEN It was tea towels, Michael. An ironing board cover? I mean, you talk to her and stuff. Come on Michael, help me. I want to hang on to him. The sex is fantastic. This is getting good. Grandma, have you got yourself a toy boy? Just a little late Christmas shopping. Is his guide dog nice? What was your plan for the party? You were lucky I remembered to bring you in at night.
Shall I invite him or do you want to? Remember that for when Ben gets back. Please, Janey, for me. If I invite him you have to promise not to make a big thing of it and never mention it again. No Cossack dancers, no skydiving bears?
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BEN Ooh, yeah, big… Susan, why are you making such a big deal about this party? BEN You mean Kenzo. BEN Er, nothing, nothing. How much do you like ironing? Just a quick question. We were lucky there was a last minute cancelation. BEN Was Psoriasis the clown booked? BEN Well, you know, Tweed and alcohol are a very combustible mix.
The fairy goes on the top. BEN Yes, I know where to stick the fairy. I also know where I would like to stick the fairy. No court will convict me. Phoo, what is that sickly smell? ABI Morning sir, madam. Try a free sample? An insouciant fragrance from the blazing sands of the Samarkand, guaranteed to inflame the passion of your favourite sheikh. ABI How does my make-up look? That reminds me, I need to confirm the clown. Did you lose much? I won a thousand pounds. BEN A thousand quid? Take a seat, Alfie. BEN Been nice knowing you, whatever your name is. I thought he was exaggerating.
Alfie is like the Christmas traveller looking for shelter. BEN Oh, yes, of course. He looks like Keith Richard and Wurzel Gummidge had a love child. Unfortunately our field is a hundred miles from Glastonbury. And it was winter. He rolled around in the mud all the same. BEN He would, yeah. So what does that prove?
An original Dinky fire engine. My dad gave me that when I was four. BEN What about my story? My story was sweet. Yes, his crusty socks. Yes, he does care. BEN Okay, still got my wallet. Sorry, Grace, much as it pains me, I need to ask your help. What are you doing here in the dark? Now, what can I do to make you feel better? BEN How about the Russian roulette?
All right, all right, you can help. Every time someone spoils a Christmas surprise an elf dies. Well, you… What would she want? Only the most sought-after clown in the country. Only you would know that. In a hollow tree? Little Clumsy the clown. You must be Alfie. How are you finding us? Your family seem so nice. The hours are killing me. I have to get up at four in the morning.
Just until I make a dent in the coalface of the music industry. Well, I just hate being idle. Let me tell you, the chicks go crazy for the uniform. Well, the ones that are up. BEN An eight-hundred quid party is a pretty big trinket. The only entertainment I had at my parties was my Uncle Cecil taking his eye out. BEN A video camera?
I suggested using one of those at our anniversary, but you were afraid the kids might find the tape. It was the leather shorts and the sour cream. BEN Okay, okay, video camera it is. Signal sent, signal received. Is that a good idea?
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I mean, how much is he gonna eat? Doorbell Who can that be at this time of night? Dento, like dentist, see? I hired you to be Shingles.
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BEN No, because all clowns look alike. BEN Get out, Roger. Electricity crackling Ah —ah- ah. Stop it, stop it! Perk up your face for Christmas, you look rough. Make you look forty again. ABI Excuse me, sir. How about some bronzer and hair highlights? I warned you once. BEN Abi… Ah, eye… eyes, eyes, eyes. I mean, sir, can I interest you in a five minute facial? BEN No, no, you can interest me in your staff discount card, Abi. ABI And would Susan be your wife or partner, sir?
Okay, give me the card. ABI Only if you help me out first. BEN Are you seriously insane? Give me the card. All right, too bad. Que Es Ese Sonido? Que Es La Hibernacion? Que Es La Muerte? Read Aprenda R En 1 Dia: Read Basura No, Gracias! Conceptos Y Herramientas Online.
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