Wheres My Fecking Flip Flop (Brits Abroad Book 4)

Then why won't you leave me? Enter Heartly ard Sir Charles. I am oveijoy'd to hear it: That is the age, neighbour Heartly, for happinefs and pleafure. I am willing, you fee, to lofe no time ; which may convince you. The thought of it rejoices cie: You feem to be trouljltd, Harriet? Sir, about me—— I did not undeceive you, becaufe I could not imagine that the confequcnccs could have been fo fc- rious and fo fudden: Ay, ay, ay— Oh, ho! Thefe little fqualls feldom overfet the lover's boat, but drive it the farter to port — Ay, ay, ay Hca.

Talk to her a little, Mr Hcartlv ; he is a Vol. Come, come, you mufl be friends again, my children. I beg you will let me alone, Sir. For heaven's fake, Mifs Harriet, explain this riddle to me. Well but hark'ye, nephew — This is going a little too far, What have you done to her? I never faw her fo much moved before! Upon my foul, Gentlemen, I am as much furprifed at it as you can be ; The little bronillerie between us arofe upon her perfiiling that there was HO palhon, no peticheintt between us.

But as the young ladies are not quite fo fqueam- iih as you, uncle, I fancy they will choofe me as I am. I have offered to marry her ; is not that a proof fufficient that I like her? A young fellow muft have fome affeclion that will go fuch lengths to indulge it. Why really, friend Heartly, I don't fee how a young man can well do more, or a lady dcfire more.

Upon my word, I am puzzled about it. My thoughts upon the matter are fo various, and fo confufed — Every thing I fee and hear is fo contradic- tory is fo She certainly cannot like any body' elfe? No, no, I'll anfwer for tliat— — Hea. Or fhe may be fearful then, that your pafiioii for her is not fiiicere, or, like other young men of the times, you may gi-ow carekfs upon marriage and ne- gkd her. If fo, perhaps the violence of her ; - may proceed from the lukewannncfs of your p- T.

Je vciu detnande pardon 1 have fwom to her a hundred and a hundred times, that fhe Ihould be the happicil of her fex. And if he niarries tlice, I fear that he '11 be kept in a ftate of doubt as long as ftjc lives. And which of you has affronted my millrefs: The devil take this love, I r. I beg your pardon for that, Mrs Abigail.

I muft inquire further into this ; her behaviour oo particular for me not to be diilurbedat it. She delires, with the leave of theic gentlemen, that, when ihe has rccover'd herfclf, he may talk with vou alone, Sir. I fhall with pleafurc attend her. D h in Bacchus: I would give, old as I am, a leg or an arm to be bclov'd by that fwcct creature as vou are.

And throw yoar gout and rhfumatifm into the bargain, uncle? Wliat the plague are you quavering at? I'hou hall no more feeling for thy happinelk than my ilick here.

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I heg your pardon for that, my dear uncle. I wonder what the devil is come to the young fellows of this age, neighbour Heartly? Hea, I know but of one, Sir Charles. Why to break all the looking-glafles in the kingdom. Ay, ay, they are fuch fops, fo taken up with themfelves! Zounds, when I was young, and IE love T. Yon were a prodigious fine fight, to be furc. Any man mull be proud of her partiality to him ; and he mull be fafhionably infenfibie indeed, who wou'd not make it his darling care to defend from every inquietude the moil delicate and tender of her fcx.

Moil nobly and warmly faid, Mr Heartly. Throw yourfelf at her feet, and fwear how. I muft defire to be excus'd. Wou'd you have me fay the fame thing over and over again? It ismy turn to bepiqud BOW. Damn your conceit, Jack, I can bear it no longer. I am very forry to find that any young lady, fo near and dear to me, fiiou'd beftow her heart where there is fo little profpeft of its being valued as it ought. However, I ftiall not oppofe ray authority to her inclinations; and fo Who waits there? Let the young lady know that I ftiall attend her commands in the library.

Will you excufe me, Gentlemen? Ay, ay — We'll leave you to yourfelves ; and pray convince her, that I and my nephew are moll isncerely her very humble fei-wmts. O yes, you may depend upon me. A very flender dependence truly. Come, uncle,— —Fal, lal, la, la! I cou'd knock him dow-n with pleafurc. Heaktly, f peaking to a Servant. I hope you are not angry, Sir, that I Urft you o abruptly, without making any apology? I have not yet apprehended what kind of dif- pute could arife between you and Mr Clackit: He ftill continues in his error, and I can- not undeceive him.

And, in- deed, I could wiih him more deferving of you ; but your regard for him gives him a merit he otherwife would have wanted, and almofk makes me blind to his jTailings. And would you advife me, Sir, to make choice of this gentleman? I would advife you, as I always have done, to Confult your own heart upon fuch an occafion.

I think you may, my dear, without the leaft offence to your delicacy: Will you be kind enough to afllfl me? And here is pen, ink, and paper, to obey your commands. Draivs the table, Mifs Har. Lord, how my heart beats! I fear I cafi-! Now, my dear, I am ready. I know it is Don't hurry yourfclf: Do you think, i.. Pray indulge me, Sir. I beg your ] ardo! I would have il fo. In gratitude to Mr Clackit? Mifs Hart Pray write, Sir. What did you fay? Why have I declared myfelf? To whom do you write this letter? To — to — Mr Clackit — is it not? You muft not mention then the care of your infancy ; it would be ridiculous.

It would indeed — I own it — It is im- proper. What, did it efcape you in your confufion? Indeed I don't know. Then I'll only finifh your letter with the ufual compliment, and fend it away.. Yes — fend it away — if you think I ought to fend it.

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Troulled, Ought to fend it! Who can it be for? Here, take this letter to Mr Clackit. What a terrible fituation! I camiot fpeak another word. He difapproves my pafiion, and I fhall die with confufion.. The converfation is over, and I may appear. May he be per- mitted to fee you? What a contempt he mud have for me, to have in this manner!

Extremely well this, and equally foolifti on th fides! But what can be the meaning of it: It is an affront to my cha What am I to think of it then? Let a man be ever io much upon his guard againft the approaches of vanity, yet he will find himfelf weak in that quarter. Had not my reafon made a little Hand againft my prefumption, I might have interpreted fome of Harriet's words in my ov. Upon my word, Sir, I am ftill in the dark ; we puzzle about, indeed, but we don't get forward. What the devil is the meaning of all this? There never fure were lovers fo difficult to bring toge- ther.

But have you not been a little too rough with the lady? For as I pafs'd by her but now, fhe feem'd a little out of humour and, upon my faith, not the lefs beautiful for a little pouting. Eh, Mr Heartly, dots he take me for his fool, his beaft, his Merry Andrew?

By the Lord Harry — Hea. In him a little vanity is excufeable. He is of an age. Sir Charles Sir Cha. Ay, of an age to be very impertinent ; but I fhall deure him to be lefs free with his uncle fot the future, I affure him. I have it, I have it. You need not puzzle any more about the matter. What, has not fhe told you. So much the better. That, in the firfl place, flie did not like your nephew. And I told the puppy fo. That fhe had a mofl mortal antipathy for the young men of this age ; and tliat fhe had fettled her af- iedions upon one of riper years, and riper underflanding..

And that flic expcAcd from a lover in his au- tumn, more affcclion, more complaifance, more con- ftancy, and more difcretion of courfe. This is very particular. Ay, but it is very prudent for all that. In fhort, as flie had openly declared againil the nephew, I took upon me to fpeak of his uncle.

Sir And he did not fay me nay but call fuch a look, and fctch'd fuch a figh, that if ever I look'd and figh'd in my life, I know how it is with her. You joke for certain. Indeed I do not. But you need not have told her all that. Sir Charles, that a good heart. I'll tell you what, neighbour, I hare had my days, and have been well receiv'd among the ladies, I have But in truth, I am rather in my winter than my autumn ; he mull mean fomtbody clfe. Now I think again — it can't be me. But I tell you it is, Sir. Why then, Monfitur ne- phew, I Ihall have a little laugh with you Ha, lia, ha!

We'll laugh at bim moil triuaiphantly Ha, ha! That will do moft divinely well. Meeting by ac- cident with fome artifts of the ftring, and my particular friends, I have brought 'em to celebrate Mifs Harriet's and my approaching happinefs. Do you hear the puppy? It is time to clear up all miftakes. Mifs Harriet, Sir, was not deftin'd for you. What do you fay. That the young lady has fix'd her afFeftions up- on another. That is Englifh, Sir, and you may tranflate it into French, if you like it better. Vous etes bien drohy nion oncle. And that other, Sir, is one to whom you owe great refpeft.

I am his moil refpe6lful humble fervant. You are a fine youth, my fweet nephew, to tell me a Itory of a cock and a bull, of you and the young lady, when you have no more rntereit in her than the Czar of Mufcovy. But my dear uncle, don't carry this jell too far 1 fhall begin to be uneafy.

Ay, ay, I know your vanity: You think now that the women are all for you young fellows. Nine hundred and ninety-nine in a thoufand, I believe, uncle: Sir Cha, You'll make a damn'd foolifli figure by and by.

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Whoever my precious rival is, he mufl pre- pare himfelf for a little humility ; for be he ever fo mighty, my dear uncle, I have that in my pocket will lower his top-fails for him. To me, Sir This moment receiT'd, and overflowing with the tendereft fcntimcnts. She reproaches me with my exceflive modcfty. There can be no miilakc Sir Cha. What letter is this he chatters about? Well, but then How the devil Mrs Lucy! I don't underftand it. Nor 1— — T.

But 1 do, — and fb you will all prefently. Jack I But I'U fee it out. Sir Cha, Let us hear Mifs fpeak. Moft judicious, upon my foul. Therefore, before I declare my fentimcnts, it is proper that I difavow any engagement: That another, not you, Sir, has gain'd a power over my heait. A'lwther, not you; mind that, Jack. It is a power indeed which he defpifes. How prettily flie reproaches me! As to that letter.

Sir, your error there is excufeable ; and I own myfelf in that particular a little blameable. But it was not my fault that it was fent ' to you ; and the contents muft have told you, that it could not pofTibly be meant for you. Was it natural or prudent, think you, for a man of fixty-five, nay, jull entering into his fixty-fixth year — T. What, is my uncle my rival! Nay then I fhall burll, by Jupiter! Don't imagine, Sir, that to me your age IS any fault. You are very obliging.

Sir, a merit of that extraor- dinary nature, that I ftiouid facrifice to it an inclinatioa which I have conceived for another. What is the meaning of all this! Proof pofitive, uncle — and very pofitivc. I have been led into a millake, Madam, whicli I hope you will excufc ; and I have made myfelf vcrj' ridiculous, which I hope I hall forget: This young lady has fomething very extraordinary about her.

What I now fee, and the remembrance of what is palt, force me to break filence. Ay, now for it. So, fo, the moon has changed, and the grown gentlemen begin to be friflty. What, my mailer in love too! I have refufed my hand to Sir Charles and this young gentleman: Sir, and will endeavour to dcferve It. And thus I feal my acknowledgments, and from henceforth devote my every thought, and all my fervices, to the author of my liappinefs. Sir, to congratulate you on your fuccefs,. It has no flavour at all. What would you have me fay.

Thou haft a moft incorrigible vanity, Jack, and nothing can cure thee. I hope, Sir Charles, that we ftiall ftill continue to live as neighbours and friends. For you, my Har- riet, words cannot exprefs my wonder or my joy ; my future condud: Gargle, au apothecary, Mr Burton. Charlctif, daugJucr to Gargle, Mils Minors. SinuM, fcrvaoc to Gargle, Mr H. Vaughan Sntchman, Mr Bbkis. L'juhftle, a bailtfT, Mr Vaugtian.

Tho' costfe the colours, and ihe hand unfltili'd. From real life our little cloth is fili'd. There Brutus ftarts and ftares by midnight taper ; Who all the day enafts a woollen-draper. The fpirit too, clear'd from his deadly white, Rifes a halierdafher to the fight! To check thefe heroes, and their laurels crop, To bring 'cm back to rcafon and their shop, Our author wrote. Who hold the balance, or who gild the pill; Who wield the yard, and fimp'ring pay your court, And at each flourilh fnip an inch too rfiort! Dear heart, Sir, you won't give a body time. Lord, Sir, — you're fo main paflionate, you won't let a body fpeak.

Why don't you fpeak out, you blockhead? Lord, Sir, to be fure the gentleman is a fine young gentleman, and a fweet young gentleman — but, lack-a-day, Sir, — how fliould I know any thing of him i tVin. My matter Gargle and I, Sir, are fo uncafjr about un, that I have been running all over the town fince morning to inquire for un ; — and fo in my way, I thought I might as well call here. A villain, to give his father all this trouble And fo you have not heard any thing of him, friend? Let me fee ; what muft be done? I can't fleep in my bed fometimes for him.

What do you come back for, friend? As I was going out. Sir, the poll came to the door, and brought this letter. Let me fee it The gypfies have got hold of him! I may do as I pleafe! I'll read my letter, and think no more about him. I'm glad of it'-a villain of a fellow! I met my mailer on the way. Sir ;— our cares are over: He muft be put under a proper regimen dl- reftly. Sir — He arrived at my houfe within thefc teo minutes ; but in fuch a trim — He's now below lairs— I judged it proper to leave him there till I had prepared you for his reception..

Nothing fo eafily accounted for: I caught the rafcal my- fclf reading that nonfenfical play of HambUty where the prince is keeping company with llroUers and vagabonds: A fine example, Mr Gargle! His diforder is of the malignant kind, and my daughter has taken the infection from him — Blefs my heart! O, is that the faft you mean? But I have done for my young madam: Look ye, friend Gargle, I'll never fee the vil- lain's face: Lenitives, Mr Wingate- — lenitives are proper- efl at prefent: His habit requires gentle alteratives: Where is the fcoundrel?

Dear Sir, moderate your anger, and don't ufe fuch harfli language. Dear Sir, he may ftill do very well ; the boy has very good fentiments. Sir — Why, for a long time paft, he could not converfe in the language of com- mon fenfe. Afk him but a trivial queftion, and he'd give fome cramp anfwer out of fome of his plays that had been running in his head ; and fo there's no under- Handing a word he fays. And then, Sir, I have found out that he went three times a-wetk to a fpouting-clnb.

A fpouting-club, friend Gargle! A meeting of 'prentices and clerks, and giddy young men, intoxicated with plays ; and fo they meet in pubhc-houfes to aA fpecches ; there they all ncglc6t bufinefs, dcfpife the advice of their friends, and think of nothing but to become aAors. You don't fay fo! Duck J I damn your ducki. Who's below I he re? Don't plague me fo, man. But I ftiall alter the morbid ftate of the juices, correal his blood, and produce laudable chyle. Dear Sir, be a little cool Inflammatories may be dangerous. Sir, moderate your paf- lions.

Now, my good father, what's the matter? You have had your frolic? Do you think I mufl fall in love with your face, becaufe I am your father? Nothing to fay for yourfelf? What an old prig it is! Mind me, friend — T have found you out 1 fee you'll never ccme to good. Wounds, you'll not have an eye in your head in a month — ha! Look ye, young man — take notice of what I fay: Pretty well that ; — ingenious, faith!

Can you tell how much is five eighths of three Jixteenths of a pound? Mind the fcoundrel now. Do, Mr Wingate, let me fpeak to him — foftly, foftly — I'll touch him gently. Come, come, young man, lay afide this fulky humour, and fpeak as becomes a fon. X O Jephtha, judge of Ifrael, what a treafure hadft thou! Win, What does the fellow fay? He relents, Sir - Come, come, young man, he'll forgive. Well faid, lad, well faid — mind me, friend: Commanding our own paflions, and artfully taking ad- vatitagc of other people's, is the furc road to wxalth — Death and fire!

Tis my regard for you makes me fpcak ; and if I tell you you're a fcoundrel, 'tis for your good. If you want any thing, you ihall hi. What a ridiculous numfkuU you are now? X Elfe wherefore breathe Zookers, you blockhead, you'd better ftick to your bufmefs, than turn buf!

I Ihall, Sir Vol. Ay, Cocker's arithmetic Study figures, and they'll carry you through the world — Dick. Yes, Sir, [Jiiflitig a laugk. Ay, Sir, you know the world — the young man will do very well 1 wifli he were out of his time ; he iliall then have my daughter Win. Yes; but I'll touch the cafh— he flian't finger It during my life.

DicL t Who call'd on Achmet? What's the mattei- now? Does the fellow call me names? What makes the blockhead ftand in fuch confufion? That BarbarolTa ihould fufpedt my trufh! The fellow's flark Itaring mad Get out of the room, you villain, get out of the room. I'm very peremptory, friend Gargle: Friend Gargle, your feryant. Mr Wingate, a good evening to you — You'll fend him home to his bulinefs — Win.

He fhall follow you home direclly. Five eighths of three fixteenths of a pound! Enter Dick and Simon. Lord love ye, mafter I'm fo glad yoi':: Dick, f I have done the deed — Didil thou not hear a noife? I will, I will ; but firft help hie on with this coat. Hark yf, Simon, — when I am playing fome deep tragedy, and f cleave the general ear with horrid fpeech, you muft ftand between the fcenes, and cry bit- terly, i Teacket him.

I am gone to ferve you, mailer. But a teller, Sir. Mailer Matthew — let's fee it.

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You have had fitteeo fixpences now— — Dick. I dott't doubt that, Mafter — but mum. It wilL be much better to 1 ip in capitals. The part of R-. I will enjoy it, though but in fancy But what's- o'clock? Pflia I you blockhead, doa't you know that Fm in chains? That is not the rule I mean: Come, gentlemen, let us have no qUaiTcls.

That will be rare. What doll leer at, mon?

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Here, here, I'll lend you a helping hand. Rofeucrofs — Gentlemen, I rejoice to fee ye — But come, the news, the news of the town! You play'd at Briilol ; let's hear. Ay, let's have it, dear Dick. Menu Nay, nay, but how was you receiv'd? Romeo was my part 1 touch'd their fouls for 'em — Every pale face from the wells was there ; and fo on I went — But rot 'em, never mind them — f What bloody fcene has Rofcius now to aft?

Several things — But, Genius, why did you. Why, 1 intended it: But who fliould I meet in my way but friend Catcall, a devilifh good critic? Can you tell, now, whether the emphafis fliould. Ever, while you live, lay your emphafis upon the epitaph. Dick, jl Arrah, my dear Coufm Macfhane, won't yoa put a remembrance upon me? Nay, prithee, no offence — I hope we ihalj be. What do you intend to appear in?

I ihall certainly laugh in the ftrllow's face. What, with that impediment. I do not leefp— do i? I'll give you a fpecimen of Mockbccth. Make hafte, theji, and I'll begin Othollo — Scotch. With all my heart ; though I ftiould have bodp der'd 'em finely if they had liaid. What in the name of wonder are they all at? Prithee don't diftnrb the peace — A Man. Enter IVatchtMsn-from all parti, fonti drutik, Jbv: Here are the diilurbers of the peace I charge 'cm all — Diclt.

Dick, f I have it ; it will do ; Egad I'll make. Enter Dick, ivitb a iunthorn and a ladder. Butfoft, — what light breaks through yon- der window? The fame, my love, if it not thee difpleafe. No, no, not fo faft — Charlotte — let us ad the jrarden-fcene firft Char.

A fiddleftick for the garden-fcene— — Dick. Nay, then I'll aft Ranger — Up I go, neck or nothing. Well, but I tell you I would not give a far- thing for it without the ladder ; and fo, up 1 go. Enter Simon at the door. Prithee be quiet, Simon 1 am afcending the high top-gallant of my joy Situ. An't pleafe you, matter, my young miftrefs may come through the hop 1 am going to fweep it out, and fhe may efcape that way faft enow Char.

No, no, but that v. Lord love him, how comical he is! Dick, f Cuckold him, Ma'am, bv. IVatchman behind the Janes. Pafl fix o'clock, and a cloudy morning. Dear heart, don't let us ftand fooling here— As I live and breathe, we ftiall both be taken — Do, for Heaven's fake, let us make our efcape. Pall fix o'clock, a cloudy morning' ' Char. It comes nearer and nearer ; let us make off'— Dick. Give us your hand then— my pretty little ad- venturer, I attend you. Heav'ns blefs the couple of 'cm But mum.

Enter Bailiff and his FollCiVer. That's he yonder, as fure as you're alive Ay, it is — and he has been about feme mifchief here. Paft fix o'clock, and a cloudy morning-— Hey-day! I hope you an't robb'd, Mafter Gargle? As I was going my rounds, 1 found your window open. I fear this is fome of that young dog's tricks — Take away the ladder ; I mull inquire into all this — lExit. Enter Simon like Scrub. What's the matter with the fellow! Spare all I have, and take my life — Watch. Any mifchief in the houfe?

They broke in with fire and fword — they'll be liere this minute— five and forty. What, are there thieves in the houfe? With fword and piftol, Sir — five and forty. What's the fel- low in fuch a fright for? Get up, you fool, get up— —Dear heart, I'm all in a fermentation. This may be worth looking after.

COMMENTS (239)

I'll fix y eye on him Other people's foil ; eftate tije man that knows how to make hi O — no wonder — My daughter, my daughter! Oh dear heart, dear heart! Fallen out of the window! Here, I found the book — coi: Oh dear, Sir, 'v. A melancholy cafe indeed, to be fo ignorant — Vv";;y il. One fifth of ,",c lixtcenth, what part have I of the whole?

Loft beyond redemption Win. Zookcrs, be quiet, man, you put me out Seven times fevcn is forty-nine, and fix times twelve is vcnty-two, — and — and — and — a — Here, friend Gar- u', take the book, and give it that fcoundrel of a fel-. Lord, Sir, he's returned to his tricks.

Returned to liis tricks! Carried off your daughter! How did the rafcal contrive that? And fuppofe he does fhe's a woman, an't fiie? Dear Sir, how can you talk thus to a man di- itrafted? I'll never fee the "fellow's iace. What, are you in the fecret, friend? You won't fpeak, firrah! Yes, Sir — faw him to be fare. Like an ouzel — Wounds! I'll tell you what, friend Gargle — I'll think no more of the fellow — let bira bite the bridle — I'll go mind my bufmefs,?

Good now, Mr Wingate, don't leave me in this affliflion — Confider, when the animal-fpirits are pro- perly employed, the whole fyftem's exhilarated, a pro- per circulation in the fmaller du6ls or capillary veflels — JViv. Look ye there now — the fellow's at his ducks agains ha, ha! Who are you, pray? Yfs Who wants him? Here's a letter for you. Let me fee it, Gargl. I have done with him Xct him flay till the fhoe pinches ; a crack-brained num- feull! Sir, I fancy the gentleman is a little befide himfelf — He took hold mi me here by the collar, and called me villain f , and bid me prove his wife a whore Lord help him, I neverfee'd the gen- tleman's fpoufe in my born-days before.

Is ihe with him now? Ith him all in tears. My daughter, to be fure — Win. Let the fdlow go and be hang'd Wounds! I would not go the length of my arm to fave the villain from the gallows. Where was he, friend, when he gave you this letter? I fancy, Mailer, the gentleman's under trou- bles 1 brought it from a fpunging-houfe.

Yes, Sir, in Gray's-Inn Lane. Let hisi lie there ; let him lie there — I am glad of it - Gar. No, not I ; let him flay there — This it is to have a genius — Ha, ha! Yes, Sir; — 'tis in Gray's-Lan Lane. X Now, thank heav'n, I'm not worth a groat. Then there's no credit here, I can tell you that You mull get bail, or go to Newgale Who do you think is to pay houfe-rent for you: Mi'q Loiife — You fliall go to quoJ. Nay, but my tlear angel — Rnter Wingatc and Gargle. Only mind the villain.

O thou foft fleeting form of Lindaraira! You lie, you villain, you fhan't be happy. Dick, [on the ground. So, my young madam — I have found you again. I'll break every bone in your body — [Strikes. II Parents have flinty hearts ; no tears can move 'em: A fcoundrel, to rob your father: I made my own fortune ; and I'll take a boy out of the Blue-coat hofpital, and give him all I have — Look ye here, friend Gargle — you know I'm not a hard-hearted man — the fcoundrel, you know, has robb'd me ; fo, d'ye fee, I won't hang him I'll only tranfport the fellow And fo, Mr Catchpole — you may take him to Newgate.

Wljy no, Sir — but your pafTiuns — However, if you will but make the young gentleman ferve out the lall year of his apprenticefhip, you know I fhall be gi- ng over, and 1 may put him into all my practice. Nay, but prithee now have done fpeeches. You fee we are brought to the ;.. You know it was always ray intention. Look ye here, vming man 1 am tlie beft- Baii. The gentleman gave his note at Briilol, I un- der Hands, where he boarded — 'tis but twenty pounds. Well, why don't you fend to your friend Sbakcfptare now to bail you? No fuch people have been here, Sir — ' ' y ;ufe-keepers?

Dick, f You do not come to mock my mifcirits. Hufli, young man, you'll fpoil all — Let mc ak to you — ' How is your digellion? X Throw ph 'fic to the dogs, I'll none of it— Char. Nay, but dear Dick, for rpy fake — IFin. He repents, Sir — he'll reform. That's right lad — now you're right and if you will but ferve out your time, my friend Gargle here will make a man of you. What do you fay, friend? Nay, but prithee now do it in plain Englifh. Very well, that's right — you may do very well. Sir, when Pve the writ. Well, now I hall fee how much you love me.

It fhall be my ftudy to deferve you; — and fince we don't go on the ftage, 'tis fomc comfort that the world's a llage, and all the men and women merely players. Some play the upper, bme the under parts. And moft afliime what's foreign to their hearts: Thus, Life is but a tragic-comic jeft. And all is farce and mummery at bell. Enter Old Gerald and Martin.

YOU are refolv'd, Sir, to marry, you fay? Mar, May I be fo bold, Sir, tO alk the lady's name you intend to make your wife? Mar, Sure, Sir, you're not in cameft!



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She's not above fifteen ; that match, Sir, would be fitter for your ion. I don't intend that he hall marry yet thcfe feven years. But, Sir, confider well before you marry, that thcfe are qualities will not agree with an old man's con- ilitution. Age is a thing never to be inquir'd into, but when you are buying horfcs. Not if a man be very rich. Hold your tongue, I fay: This is my own' concern: That I am fure of ; he has promifcd me ; and he's a man of his word. Tliat indeed is fomething. I know he is a little domineering ; but then I know too that Mr dodor is a wife man.

He who can cure mad folks, fcorns to be wife-ridden. See, Sir, here is the doAor.

Nepal: The Martyrs Road.

Bon jour, Monlicur Girarde, bon jour. Mr doctor, I was coming to fpcak to you- Dec. Comment vous portez- vous? L'autre main — t'oder hand, t'oder hand. Tint's liot my bufmcfs. No matter for my tongue. Do you fleep a veil? Yes, very well, Sir ; but Doc. How be your flomaque? You digefta veil vat you eat? Yes, very well ; — but will you hear me.

Et vous avez — you ave all de oder benefite of nature? Ebien done — may foy! Bon jour, Monfieur, bon jour. Stay, good Sir, ftay. An affair that you know of. Dat I know of! Vat about my daughtere? About my marrying her. Begar 1 had touglit It had been fome bus'nefs of confequeince — ha, ha, ha! And have you bi"oke it to your v;Ife? No, no ; — I tauka my ftar I ave no do- mellick broil en ma famille ; my vifc fommite to mc in ev'r - ting. Ay, but, if you pleafe, we'll acquaint her with it ; 'tis a formality all mothers may expeft.

Attendcz une peu — I vill call her — mais dere is no occafion Bcgar I vill c;dl her to vou. Ger, Well Martin, what fay you now? Enter Doctor atni Wife. Sir, your fervant ; though my liufband's a phy- fician, I am glad to fee you're in good health. Speak to her Mr doctor, tell her the bufi- nefs. Commenccz vous — fpeaka you firft. No, no ; 'tis pruperer for you.

Non, non — you lall fpeaka much bettrc— eccutez! But you have the authority of a hufband, and may without ceremony open the matter to her. Non, non — commencez vous, je dis ; you be- gin fii-ft, et you fall fee my autoritc if fhe rcfifte. Pray, gentlemen, what's this contefl about, End why was I call'd hither: Anti-water charge protests have been taking place all over the country today The organisers of the protests claim that 20, people took part in the demonstration earlier in Dublin.

By Cianan Brennan Saturday 23 Jan , 6: See more articles by Cianan Brennan. Contribute to this story: Please select the reason for reporting this comment. Please select your reason for reporting Please give full details of the problem with the comment Debunking the myth of the squeezed middle Killian Donoghue High earners pay more tax but they also benefit from the fact workers in the service industry get paid low wages, writes Killian Donoghue. The Irish state is a very bad parent - when its children turn 18 they often end up on the streets Shane Dunphy Sometimes we talk about people ending up as statistics.

But there are no statistics compiled for how many children raised in state care become homeless, writes Shane Dunphy. How I Spend My Money: Woman stabbed at 'isolated, unlit' Dublin bus stop. Woman goes on trial accused of murdering her three-year-old son. Man sentenced to 4 years in prison for sexually assaulting daughter Sentencing adjourned for Patrick Nevin over attacks on two women he met on Tinder.

Appeal for witnesses after serious assault in Co Offaly. Local TDs condemn attack on repossessed Roscommon farmhouse, but call for negotiations to keep family in home. Taoiseach condemns 'vigilante' attack on repossessed farm house in Roscommon. Eight injured, vehicles torched and dog killed after raid on repossessed farmhouse in Roscommon.

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