Everything a Parent Needs to Know About Punishing Children

For many parents, it seems almost instinctive to respond to a child's uncooperative behavior by imposing or threatening a consequence.

An age-by-age guide to disciplining your kid

In recent sessions, parents have asked, "My year-old daughter is late for school every morning. What consequence should I impose to get her to be ready on time? I've taken away her phone, but she is still disrespectful. What else can I do? I've grounded him, but it hasn't helped. In these common, frustrating situations, we impose punishments or, euphemistically, "consequences" because it seems like the natural thing to do.

We believe, implicitly, that punishment is a necessary and effective means of teaching good behavior.

Should Parents Punish Their Children? (How to Have a Well-Behaved Child, Part 3)

Or, we just don't know what else to do -- and we feel that we have to do something. We don't want kids to feel that they can ignore us or act with impunity. In this, of course, we are right. It makes sense, or so it seems.

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This is how they'll learn. We want kids to stop and think, before they act, "What are the consequences of my actions? The problem is, most of the time, it doesn't work. At best, the threat of punishment leads to nagging by parents and a grudging, resentful compliance on the part of children. Then, when our consequences are not effective, we believe that we have not punished them enough or made the consequences of their misbehavior sufficiently severe.

Should Parents Punish Their Children? (How to Have a Well-Behaved Child, Part 3) | HuffPost Life

This erroneous belief has caused so much unnecessary conflict and so much damage to our relationships with our children, in so many caring families. Self-regulation, especially in childhood, is simply not learned well from consequences or punishment.

And serious behavior problems -- especially problems of motivation and effort -- are never solved by punishment. The threat of punishment has its place, but it is a small part of learning discipline and self-control. In previous posts, I have offered several alternatives and antidotes to the frequent threat of consequences and punishments. Above all, if we want our children to be well-behaved, we should play and work with them often, offer recognition and praise for tasks well done, repair moments of anger and misunderstanding, and take a proactive -- not reactive -- approach to solving family problems.

Of course, there will be times when consequences are necessary. As kids grow and change, so does their behaviour.

This knowledge will help you discipline them without resorting to yelling , threatening or having a meltdown yourself. They also tend to be very demonstrative. His job is to test his new sense of independence; yours is to set limits. Typical trouble spots Tantrums: Tantrums are a surefire way of letting you know: Offer your two-year-old an apple and she wants a banana. Dress her in pink and she wants to wear brown. Discipline tips worth trying with toddlers Offer choices: Toddlers are all about independence and control, so you can avoid a lot of problems by giving them a little more say in their lives, says Pantley.

Nip tantrums in the bud: Minimize meltdowns by finding out what triggers them. If she gets upset when she has to leave the park, give her lots of warning 10 minutes, five minutes, two minutes before you start packing up. And limit visits to notorious trouble spots, such as the toy store.

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Take a time out: By the time your child is two, time outs can be an effective discipline tool, say the experts at the Canadian Paediatric Society. If your tot angrily whacks his playmate over the head, take him to a designated time-out area where he can calm down and get control of himself. This age group is busy figuring out tricky social skills, such as sharing, manners and getting along with friends, says Pantley.

Typical trouble spots Whining: Your preschooler is glued to the TV, ignoring your repeated attempts to call him to dinner. Catch them being good: Your preschooler really does want to please you, so make a point of encouraging him when he answers the first time you call him or shares a favourite toy. If your child is a champion whiner, he may just be mimicking how you sound when you ask him to clean up his messy room.

Typical trouble spots General compliance: Discipline tips to use with your tween Take a coach approach: Coaches use questions beginning with what and how to help team members reach their goals, says Carson. Push the rewind button: When possible, give your child a second chance. And thank her when she gets it right, says Carson.