On Your Mind (Erotic Excitement Collection Book 2)

Part II explores the pathology of sexual scripts and low self esteem before offering us Morin's seven steps to sexual growth. His most important concept here is "cultivating warm sex. Jack Morin, influenced by visionary psychologist Abraham Maslow, believes more transformation can be had by identifying what constitutes a peak erotic experience than by focusing on dysfunction and pathology. The main tool of this erotic self exploration is The Sexual Excitement Survey, available at the end of the book. The central elements of this survey are descriptions by individuals of "memorable encounters," of "favorite fantasies" and of "the most intense point of excitement.

This survey serves the reader in two important ways. Morin has given this survey to men and women whose responses are the basis for the pedagogy in The Erotic Mind Furthermore, Morin encourages the reader in the first chapter to take The Sexual Excitement Survey because real data from the reader's personal sex life provides invaluable information for reflection and processing.

Central to Morin's understanding of sexual passion is what he calls "The Erotic Equation": He says that although most couples envision a harmonious love life, sexual arousal thrives upon conflict and "the dark side of lust. He says a foundational, healthy approach to sex involves "embracing the paradoxical perspective.

Morin then explains what he calls "The Four Cornerstones of Eroticism: Longing--the foundation of romantic love--is desire for what is not present; anticipation is the short-term relishing of what is soon to happen. Prohibitions can function as an aphrodisiac, somewhat of a subset of "the Erotic Equation" mentioned above. Power dynamics--that is, being submissive or dominant--becomes co-assembled with sexual desire in many folks. Finally, a decision to overcome conflicting feelings is also a turn on for many folks.

This, too, seems another subset of "the Erotic Equation". The book then offers Morin's explanation of the role of emotion in sexual encounters. He says that "emotions are the energizers. Feelings make sex better. In keeping with his discernment theme, Morin requests that the reader evaluate both the "emotional aphrodisiacs" and the "response emotions" in his or her peak erotic experiences.

He says that this internal blueprint for arousal "transforms old wounds and conflicts into excitation. Morin posits that "if you wish to touch the deepest sources of your eroticism, delve into your CET, for it is the most ingenious invention of your erotic mind Hidden within your CET is a formula for transforming unfinished emotional business from childhood and adolescence into excitation and pleasure. Morin suggests that his readers examine their masturbation fantasies, peak sexual experiences and the video pornography that they choose to watch to help them discern their CET.

In a footnote, the author warns readers that an over dependence on pornography might lull the erotic imagination of the individual, rendering him or her less responsive to what truly excites him or her. In Part II, Morin states that one can only deal with dysfunctional and pathological erotic patterns by "naming them, exploring their shape and texture, even when it's disturbing to do so.

This chapter explores three sexual problem areas. The first problem area Morin explores is when something that in the past has caused excitement begins to produce unwanted side effects in the present. An example of this would be alcohol or drug use that in teen years lowered inhibitions but now interferes with biological arousal. The second problem deals with "troublesome attractions. The third erotic problem comes from the Christian ethic that love is good and lust is bad.

This means that a man may love his wife but not desire her; he then needs to act out his desire with prostitutes or in other "sinful" situations. Morin ends this chapter by asking the reader to discern if any of the above three erotic problems is present in his or her life. In chapter 7, Morin tackles the relationship between sex and self-hate.

He says eroticized self-hate can be the "most perplexing and troublesome of all turn-ons Some sufferers derive unmatched intensity from compulsively reenacting their grueling inner struggle in nonstop sexual repetitions that generate enormous heat, but little satisfaction. How can we change what we are sexually attracted to? Morin doesn't suggest that one can change his or her sexual preferences, but he does state that one's preferences can be "modified or expanded" with his seven-step program.

Central to his program is mindfulness of one's body along with the ability to take risks. Part III begins with an exploration of what keeps passion alive in long-term relationships. Morin's advice to openly confront problems continues in chapter 9 where he states, "It is crucial to acknowledge that closeness and sexual desire are not one and the same. Passionate couples are in it for the erotic and emotional intensity. These couples are fragile and often break up as the sexual passion cools. Compassionate couples often are best friends or soul mates. While these folks are highly romantic, they aren't very sexual.

Pragmatic couples bond for practical reasons like money, prestige or social acceptance. These couples are characterized by a lack of sex or passion. Their relationship is more like a business deal. Morin acknowledges that long-term couples have difficulty sustaining excitement. He suggests the importance of the other positive affect involved with sex--enjoyment.

He advises couples to "cultivate warm sex. Couples, writes Morin, that stay together successfully for years learn the paradox of intimacy and passion. Intimacy is "engendered by the desire to know every detail" about the other. Passion is felt when one "appreciates him or her as an individual who can never be fully known. Morin's second to the last chapter invites the reader to make a self-assessment on eight different "signposts to erotic health.

In the last chapter, Morin makes a brilliant summary of the paradox of sex. He says that peak erotic experiences involve both excitement and fulfillment and yet, he acknowledges, that these states of being are often polar opposites. This "passion-fulfillment paradox" is what makes the dance of eros so interesting. He says if you can tolerate erotic polarities and even rise above them, you can more deeply appreciate sex.

Even the structure of his book is paradoxical. Morin offers the reader a most practical self-help book if that is the intention of the reader. But even if the reader eschews self-examination, self-healing and personal growth, this book offers a brilliant compendium of important sexual information. Morin's emphasis on the therapeutic nature of high erotic states could and should transform contemporary sex therapy, which has been suffocated by psychotherapy and the primitive Masters and Johnson techniques.

Fred consulted me because his sexual desire for Janette, his wife of six years, had been declining for more than a year. Although he assumed she must have noticed the reduction in both the frequency of sex and his enthusiasm, Fred had no idea how to discuss his predicament with Janette without hurting her. More than twenty years later the majority of his fantasies were still populated by young women with picture-perfect bodies.

I love her too much to tell her the truth. Fred was the first, however, to have invented and named a new diagnosis! Yet many other men—and more than a few women too—had hinted that constant images of sexual perfection in the mass media sometimes reduced the allure of their actual partners. Obviously, Fred had named a very real problem.

However, as Fred talked about his sex history and his relationship with Janette, I sensed that his declining desire had less to do with flawless centerfolds than he believed. To help him find out for himself I suggested that he think about his peak turn-ons. After overcoming his initial hesitation he told me about a series of memorable encounters with a young waitress and aspiring model with whom he had an affair when he was in the military.

His obvious pleasure in telling these stories soon turned to discouragement because they seemed to confirm his theory. I suggested that before jumping to conclusions he consider other factors that also might have turned him on besides her gorgeous body. Fred discovered that when he fantasized about a centerfoldlike woman the visual enjoyment of her perfect body was merely a starting point. Because he had already recognized how much he valued a highly responsive and eager partner he quickly saw that in every peak encounter with Janette, she too had been unusually expressive and uninhibited.

Fred also stumbled on another important fact: Luckily, the two of them had always talked openly about most things, although it had been years since they had discussed sex. Spurred on by a deeper understanding of his eroticism and a reduction of his guilt, Fred initiated an extremely productive dialogue with Janette. Once she felt assured that his intention was not to criticize her but to improve their sex life, she acknowledged her increasing passivity in bed.

She was just trying to give him what she assumed he wanted. She also divulged that her passivity was making sex less interesting for her too. As she grasped how much Fred missed feeling her unbridled desire, she gradually felt freer to let her excitement show.

Soon I had an intriguing opportunity to find out. He hardly ever notices me, let alone holds or kisses me. At the beginning of our next session she pulled a crumpled piece of paper from her purse. After an awkward silence, followed by a deep sigh and then a slight smile the first I had seen , she read a story complete with spontaneous commentary: Like most people who have been married nineteen years, Ted and I have a lot of routines, including making love on Saturday mornings before starting our chores.

This tends to be rather mechanical and obligatory. One Saturday—I think it was about three or four years ago—I woke up late and Ted was already out in the garden. I opened the drapes to a glorious morning.

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There was Ted in his overalls, digging in the dirt, whistling. Instead of feeling hurt that he was ignoring me, I thought how cute he looked and how happy I felt. Even then that was pretty rare because I was often pissed off with Ted for not showing me enough affection. I joined him in the yard and we instantly began flirting. He made sexy comments under his breath. When he saw my breasts he instantly dropped what he was doing and began licking my nipples and smearing dirt all over me. Before long we were both stark naked, fighting over who would pull each weed, sometimes rolling on top of each other, laughing our heads off, and being totally outrageous.

The sun was hot so I grabbed the hose and sprayed him down. Soon we were both drenched and making love on the lawn. She remained mostly silent for the rest of the session. Depression makes one feel dull, lifeless, and helpless. In stark contrast, peak eroticism always fosters energy and vitality. I was pleasantly surprised when she brought up her story again the following week. Over many weeks Sabrina catalogued how she had somehow set aside her usual ways of thinking, feeling, and acting during that peak experience.

She allowed herself to be moved by the beautiful morning. She actively participated in creating a playful atmosphere. And most important of all, she seized the opportunity to become vibrantly erotic. Gradually, Sabrina embraced her peak experience as evidence of what could happen if she stopped clinging to her lonely fate and recognized her abilities to make things different. She read the story to Ted and taped it to her bedroom mirror as a reminder. Yet as Sabrina slowly reconnected with her vitality she became more approachable—and a lot more fun to be with. Sometimes Ted responded positively, and she would practice taking in his affection without critiquing it.

Sabrina saw welcome improvements in their marriage and sex life, although neither was perfect. She did, however, cultivate a more active stance in her world, which made her far less despairing. Fred used his peak turn-ons to discover new information about his eroticism, whereas Sabrina used hers as inspiration. I have found these to be the two most common therapeutic benefits of exploring peak eroticism.

But anyone who takes the time to examine the nuances of peak turn-ons will gain valuable insights into how the erotic mind creatively expresses our innermost needs and potentials. Whereas most peak experiences contain little to be embarrassed about, in peak sex the erotic impulse frequently strays far from our ideals.

In the realm of eras all the contradictions and paradoxes of the human drama are played out. One way or another, erotic peaks always reveal secrets about our idiosyncracies, conflicts, and unresolved emotional wounds. More often than not, people fear that if their innermost experiences of arousal are revealed they will be pronounced abnormal. For one thing, relatively few clients were as open about their eroticism as Fred and Sabrina.

In addition, most clients who did explore their peak experiences were impatient to get back to the problems that had brought them to therapy in the first place. I became keenly aware of both the advantages and the limitations of therapy as a means of investigating eroticism. I was eager to expand my work by studying peak erotic experiences in a totally different way. The survey asks anonymous respondents to write in detail about especially arousing and memorable encounters and fantasies, as well as their ideas about what made these events so thrilling.

My challenge would be to analyze the content of their stories and comments and look for recurring themes and patterns. So I distributed many of the surveys in undergraduate-and graduate-level human sexuality classes, where self-exploration is a part of the learning.

Full text of "The Erotic Mind"

Interested students mailed completed surveys directly to me—not to their instructors. Also, a number of professional and social organizations took an interest in this project and invited their members to participate. Whenever I spoke in seminars and workshops, I always mentioned the SES and had a stack of them available. Collectively, they described memorable encounters and favorite fantasies, for a total of more than 1, peak erotic events. Compared to the tens of thousands of respondents who regularly respond to questionnaires in popular magazines, these are obviously small numbers.

But the SES is not a typical survey because of the depth of self-disclosure it requests. Instead of learning a little bit about thousands of people, I preferred to learn a great deal about a few hundred. Fortunately, The Group is as diverse as I had hoped. Although I created the SES to help answer questions that matter to me, from the beginning I wanted the survey to give something back to the respondents. To get the most out of this book, I invite you to contemplate the same questions that I asked The Group.

Consider responding to the entire SES before reading any further to be sure your answers are completely spontaneous. Once you complete the SES you might wish to send me your answers without your name, of course so that I can expand my research to a larger population. That decision, clearly, is completely up to you and can be made at any time. If the SES seems a bit daunting just now, an alternative is to take it one step at a time. Start with two key questions about your most memorable real-life encounters: Think back over ah your sexual encounters with other people.

Allow your mind to focus on two specific encounters that were among the most arousing of your entire life.

Describe each of them in as much detail as you wish. What are your ideas about what made each of these encounters so exciting? Keep in mind that peak encounters are not necessarily dramatic or sensational. Sometimes the best ones are remarkably simple. Nor is it necessary for peak encounters to include intercourse—or any particular sexual act.

Feel free to recollect as many as you wish. Starting a journal also allows you to reread your comments as your self- discovery deepens; perhaps later you will see them in a new light. Please keep in mind that any writing you do in the SES or your journal must be for your eyes only. Your writing will touch on a host of possible topics you might want to discuss with someone when the time is right. Such intimate exchanges can be extremely useful and fulfilling. But by keeping the writing itself private, you will avoid subtle inhibitions that can cause you to hold back, perhaps without even realizing it.

Sexual fantasies take an infinite variety of forms, and each individual has his or her unique patterns and preferences. Fantasies spring from the depths of your erotic mind and are invaluable sources of information, which is why I included questions about them in the SES. Others fantasize primarily about exciting events that actually occurred in the past, perhaps with a few embellishments. Another common form of fantasy is imagining sexual possibilities you hope might happen one day—as when you daydream about a sexy stranger whom you pass each day on the way to work.

If you grant yourself the freedom to do so, you can enjoy, within the sanctuary of your mind, fantasy scenarios that you would never want to experience in reality. At the most basic level, many people are confused about what, exactly, a fantasy is, so I included this statement in the SES: An erotic fantasy is an image, thought, or feeling within your mind that is sexually interesting to you. Some people think of fantasy as a sexual daydream. Maybe it turns you on just a little bit—so little that you hardly notice. Or maybe it turns you on a great deal. Sexual fantasies may or may not make your body become aroused.

A fantasy can be triggered by something you actually see or hear for example, an attractive person or an erotic picture or story or it can just pop into your mind out of the blue. People have many different kinds of sexual fantasies, and some people say they have none at all. A fantasy may be a simple or elaborate story—perhaps based on a past experience, a hoped-for encounter, or a totally imaginary scene. I ask that you pay close attention to your fantasies and how they help to turn you on—even if you think your fantasies are boring, silly, or uninteresting. Remember that a fantasy does not have to be a big production in order to be important.

Based on everything you know about your sexuality, describe the fantasy that would be the very most likely to arouse you. What are your ideas about what makes this fantasy so exciting? Although the SES asks you to focus on one favorite fantasy, feel free to recall as many as you like. You may have a wide variety of fantasies. If so, jot them down. The question about the climax of your fantasy is intended to help you identify the specific details that intensify your excitement.

As you read on, try to keep an open mind. You may not be accustomed to noticing the sexy images that flash through your mind. Like many people, you may not have detailed fantasies, just fragments of erotic thoughts that easily go unnoticed. Be patient and self- accepting. In fact, one of your motivations for reading this book may be to understand or to resolve your own sexual concerns or those of someone you love. I bring this up now because you need to be aware that in the five chapters of Part I our goal is to unravel some of the mysteries of the erotic mind.

This is a different approach from the one most books about sex follow. I can assure you that your patience will pay off. Think of them using two seemingly mismatched metaphors. Peak turn-ons are precious jewels. To fully appreciate their glittering facets, it is necessary to gaze at them from different angles. Yet peak experiences are also onionlike. As each layer is peeled away you uncover additional information not visible on the surface. All reminiscences, sexual or otherwise, are shaped by the way your memory sorts and stores information.

Which specific situational details contributed to your arousal? Record your observations in your journal. Next note the specific details that stand out in your favorite fantasies. By contrast, in fantasy you select and control all the exciting events. In the realm of the erotic imagination you are the creator as well as the director, with the power to make everything turn out exactly as you wish.

Firsts and surprises Idyllic situations or partners Extensions and restrictions of time Learning about factors that stand but for The Group may call your attention to similar circumstances that contribute to your own arousal. After all, few things in life are more personal than sexual excitation.

Similarly, when your expectations and routines are shaken by a surprise, you also tend to take notice. Even when the encounter is desired and basically positive, her enthusiasm may be tempered by a sense of loss. Despite these differences in how men and women feel about sexual initiation, among The Group neither gender is inclined to report its first sexual encounters as peaks, with the exception of a few people whose sexual initiation coincided with falling in love.

Other firsts, however—such as initial encounters with new partners, experiments with new sexual activities, or encounters in new settings—are mentioned regularly. Women in The Group often recall the first time that sex was truly satisfying for them or the first time they experienced an orgasm with a partner. Darlene, a thirty-nine-year- old respiratory therapist, tells what happened to her only a few years ago: I had fallen in love with my best friend.

All the while I was pessimistic. I was so overcome with happiness when he said he was falling for me too. Soon we were making love. Usually after fifteen or twenty minutes of some guy pumping up and down, I would fake an orgasm just to get it over with. But after only a few strokes I was coming! I had three orgasms that night. He just naturally did things that drove me crazy. Megan, a young college student, surprises herself—and her grateful partner—when she opens the door, nervously at first, to a new source of pleasure: My boyfriend had often asked me if I would give him a blow job.

We were in my bedroom when I surrendered to my curiosity. He was very loving and patient as he guided me. He showed me exactly where it felt best, almost like an anatomy class. He let me experiment on him with my lips and tongue. His moans told me I was on the right track. I felt adventurous and—it was weird—kind of in control. But notice the necessary conditions: Another type of surprise occurs when familiar people behave in unfamiliar ways. Manuel tells of an unexpected conclusion to what appeared to be a colorless day: I was hanging out with my girlfriend.

Nothing much was happening—a little shopping, visiting a couple of friends. We were bored as shit to put it bluntly. Finally we gave up and went back to her place. Another Saturday night watching TV. I needed a hot shower to give me a lift. Just as I was soaping up I heard the bathroom door squeak. Suddenly her hand came through the shower curtain, she grabbed the soap out of my hand and jumped in with me. Her aggressiveness blew me away—but I liked it. She got on her knees and soaped up my dick. It was as if she had studied how I masturbate even though she never saw me do it and added her own special touches.

Was this my Angela? She brought me to a peak of ecstasy like never before. My orgasm was an explosion. We continued our adventures in bed for a couple more hours. Boredom was a thing of the past. For Manuel, the foreground his intense excitement stands out in bold relief against a background of boredom and low expectations. In fact, The Group only brings up the topic of expectations in their tales of peak sex when those expectations are being joyously shattered by a welcome surprise. In the coming chapters we will often be reminded that peak encounters share many features with memorable fantasies.

What shall we conclude from this? Favorite fantasies, on the other hand, cover familiar territory. Through repeated experimentation we refine them so that they express, in the shorthand of imagery, the essential elements needed for arousal. Not surprisingly, many of these encounters take place on vacation. Such encounters can also unfold much closer to home, as in the case of Trevor, a gay man in his late thirties: His name was Eric and he was extremely attractive to me, with a firm, slightly developed body.

He was the absolute best hugger. My body came alive when he wrapped me up in his arms. I especially enjoyed kissing him, his lips so soft as he kissed me in return. I remember gazing deep into his eyes while he fucked me as I sat on top of him. Our motions were in perfect harmony. It was easy handling him inside me. I was totally amazed by it ah and kept staring at him and his beautiful body, wondering if it was ah a dream.

His movements and thrusts when he came gave me an orgasm without any stimulation of my cock. I never saw Eric again. I often wonder what made that evening so unique. It was truly magical. In addition to its idyllic features, this story also has a poignant quality. A similar hint of wistful longing can often be perceived in tales of idyllic encounters. They have a dreamlike, otherworldly quality that, by definition, is quite rare. I am lying in the sun, soaking up the warmth, with no clothes on and none with me.

His body is in great shape. He is naked too. He swims over to my rock and climbs up. Slowly, passionately, he kisses me and then licks every part of my body, one by one. He lies down beside me and soon we make joyous love. We are free, incredibly sensuous and tender. Afterward I quietly swim off as he sleeps. I glance back for one last look at his moist body glistening in the sun. Like Arlene, Luke enthusiastically dwells on the exquisite beauty of his ideal fantasy lover. The ambiance, though, is notably different: I eagerly invite her in. Her waist is narrow, her hips wide and shapely.

I watch her ass sway as she walks to my sofa. Long, auburn hair swoops down, partially covering the milky skin of her cleavage. I pull her closer still as she grabs my dick. I feel a shiver go through her body. I invite her to the bedroom and lift the gown over her head, revealing an even more incredible body than I expected. She rips off my shorts and we fall into bed, fucking with uncontrollable abandon. She loves it when I plunge into her juicy pussy.

Her reaction turns me on so much that I thrust faster and faster, coming, coming until I collapse on top of her, spent. After I calm down, I watch her slip into her gown, shake out her hair, and walk toward the door. Luke and Arlene both enjoy the surprise of a perfect stranger. But whereas her fantasy is steeped in romance, his is animated by unfettered lust. She surrounds herself with mountains, a lake, and a sun-drenched rock for a bed. His perfect lover simply arrives at the front door.

Although such differences between men and women are by no means universal, they are unmistakable. The ticking of the clock as time marches forward is an apt metaphor for the mundane repetitions that occupy so much of our lives.

No wonder we normally lose all consciousness of time during fulfilling sex, except perhaps for a fleeting wish that this moment would never end. In some situations, however, an awareness of time actually contributes to the enjoyment. Only highly significant activities command such attention. Lydia sings the praises of extended lovemaking when describing a particularly memorable encounter with Josie, her lesbian lover: Josie and I live such busy lives that we usually squeeze in some routine sex on the weekends. One Sunday I fully expected a typically brief lovemaking session. I knew things were going to be different when Josie spent a good twenty minutes lovingly licking each of my breasts.

My excitement built so gradually that I went into an altered state of consciousness—as if each movement was acted out in slow motion. Josie seemed to go into a similar state when I went down on her. Normally I get bored after a while, but that day I savored her cunt as if it were my last meal. And speaking of meals, we fixed a delicious lunch of cheese and fruit and crawled back into bed to eat it sensuously.

We both had many orgasms that day, but I know mine were different than usual. We forgot about everything, focusing all of our energies on each other. In other instances, time is a memorability factor for the opposite reason: A desire so intense that it demands expression, even when there is insufficient time for it, demonstrates its compelling urgency. Norman recalls with enthusiasm one evening when he and his girlfriend were rushing to get ready for a concert: Tammy and I often disagree about who should initiate sex, when, how often, and how long it should last.

But there have been several times when all that crap goes out the window. Knowing that nothing will come of it I find it easier to be passionate, like one night when Tammy was dressing for the symphony. I rubbed her shoulders and she tried to push me away. All of a sudden she became like an animal. She grabbed me and kissed me deep and hard while I rubbed her clit and brought her to an orgasm in a minute or two —much faster than usual.

Just a few strokes of my cock and I came too. Then we went flying out the door, laughing like lunatics. At the concert she told me there was lipstick smeared on my face. Maslow noticed a curious phenomenon, difficult to explain or even describe, in his research on all kinds of peak experiences: He made this observation: Not only does time pass in their ecstasies with a frightening rapidity so that a day may pass as if it were a minute, but also a minute so intensely lived may feel like a day or a year.

Knowledge of which memorability factors have contributed to your arousal in the past can help you cultivate conditions for more fulfilling sex now and in the future. For instance, passionate lovers who appreciate surprises become adept at deliberately breaking their sexual routines with playful experimentation. It also requires the ability to increase your capacity for being surprised. Zestful lovers allow themselves to be caught off-guard. Too many people also assume that they can only wait and hope for idyllic situations or partners to bring special excitement to their lives.

Passionate lovers discover that lucky moments happen more frequently to those who consciously devise the necessary conditions. And far more than we realize, the seemingly magical appearance of an ideal partner is a mixture of happenstance and a heightened readiness on the part of the beholder to perceive beauty. Likewise, those who have luxuriated in extended lovemaking or found a special charge in quick sex can learn to request and seize opportunities for similar satisfactions that might easily slip by. Who are these people? Are they similar to or different from your real-life partners?

Luckily, in approximately 80 percent of their stories The Group does mention what kind of relationships they had with their partners. Closer analysis reveals that both the gender and the sexual orientation of the storytellers affect the kinds of partners with whom they are likely to have peak sex. But the most important consideration of all is whether the partner or partners is a real person in an actual encounter or a fantasy partner.

This does not necessarily mean that the men go outside their primary relationships for peak sex, although some do. More common, they recall peak encounters that occurred before they met their current partners. A number of men and women report that their most memorable encounters occurred with people who later became their primary partners. During the early stages of such involvements the intensity of infatuation is normally at its highest.

Women are almost twice as likely as men to mention that they feel romantically involved or in love with their partners in ecstasy 25 percent and 13 percent respectively. Here is the first instance of this phenomenon: Straight men mention loving their partners in 11 percent of their peak encounters, while almost one- fifth of the gay and bisexual men enthusiastically express love. But here we see another great gender difference: Reflecting this trend, the most likely of all subgroups to have anonymous encounters are bisexual men 50 percent and gay men 47 percent.

At the other extreme, only 1 percent of the lesbians describe memorable sex with strangers or near-strangers. Matthew, a gay college administrator, describes a particularly successful three-way: I saw two male lovers at a nude beach and enjoyed attracting their attention by getting a hard-on and letting them see it. He had a thick, beautifully proportioned cock. Even when soft it swayed heavily and slapped from thigh to thigh as he walked. Soon after we greeted he invited me to hang out with them. All afternoon we joked and flirted. They were both extremely handsome.

I was thrilled when they invited me to dinner. At their place we all took turns showering. When one of them was in the shower, the other would play with and suck my cock. They had been together five years and claimed this was their first three-way. Both turned out to be incredibly sexy. I could see into their bedroom from the kitchen as each dried off and stroked their hard dicks. By now the other one was feverishly jerking off. When we made it to the bedroom I was thrilled to watch them perform sixty- nine on each other —very hot.

I ended up fucking one lover as I was fucked by the other.

Both men were warm, gentle, with great senses of humor. One also sang beautifully. They obviously loved each other. Our three-way never became competitive or tense—not even for a moment. Both were eager to please me, and I them. Bisexual women are the most likely of all to report peak encounters with multiple partners 25 percent , and bisexual men run a close second 20 percent. Such encounters offer obvious advantages for bisexuals, as is apparent in this steamy tale of group sex at a hot tub party told by Ginny, a college instructor in her early forties: At first I was reluctant because I feared the scene would be much too sleazy for my tastes.

Being a great salesman, Rob emphasized the fact that my previous lover was a woman and that I might enjoy watching both sexes getting it on. The party was at a beautiful home with a large pool and hot tub. The people were intelligent and friendly. Other than the nude sunbathing it was no different than any other party.

Rob was right, I certainly did enjoy gazing at the wonderful collection of bodies. After the sun went down the atmosphere became more sexual. Some people went inside, apparently to have sex in one of the many bedrooms. Rob and I joined the group in the hot tub. As we loosened up, people began massaging each other. One woman was sitting on the edge when another woman went down on her. When I turned around his face told me he was about to come.

He did and several people cheered. I was a little jealous but incredibly turned on. Over the next few hours, we put the lounge cushions on the deck around the tub so we had a choice of comfortable positions. I especially enjoyed being touched by Rob and a beautiful young woman at the same time. It was all so friendly and warm and fun—not at all like my idea of an orgy.

Although he denies it, I think Rob was more jealous than I because he never mentions trying it again. Matthew and Ginny are among the relatively few members of The Group who describe group sex encounters as their most memorable. These encounters are fraught with potential problems and are much more difficult to arrange than the more common one-on-one variety.

Typically one partner is more interested in a multiple-partner adventure, which can result in arguments. Once partners do agree on a three-way or group sex scene, somebody often feels left out or jealous. And what are the odds of three or more people having compatible sexual desires? All of these complications vanish, however, in the realm of the erotic imagination. Fantasies involving multiple partners are the most popular of all among The Group as a whole.

Just as they are the most likely to have multiple partners in real life, bisexuals are the most drawn to fantasies of multiple partners 60 percent of bisexual men and 75 percent of bisexual women. But more than a quarter of all women—even a third of the lesbians—say their favorite fantasies involve two or more partners.

The same thing is true for 43 percent of the men. One finding may surprise you as it did me. Whereas almost one-fifth of gay men enjoy multiple sex in their memorable encounters, they are the least likely subgroup to include multiple partners in their favorite fantasies only 11 percent. The best explanation I can offer is that virtually any gay man who wants to try group sex or a three-way can find opportunities to do so, particularly in urban areas. These activities were especially widespread in the freewheeling days before the AIDS epidemic.

It appears that real-life experiences with multiple partners reduce their allure in fantasy. What is the meaning of the special appeal that multiple-partner fantasies hold for so many men and women? But what about women? Their most popular form of erotica—the romance novel—virtually never includes multiple partners.

With rare exceptions, such as when three people fall in love with one another, multiple partners do not easily fit the romantic ideal. Fantasies involving more than one partner typically have a purely lustful quality. The fantasizer is virtually always the focal point of such scenarios. The role of both partners is to respond to every whim of the fantasizer and in doing so to affirm his or her irresistability.

By: Joseph Kramer Ph.D.

In addition, the fantasizer is always in control, whether he or she chooses to dominate, to submit, or prefers to watch the partners put on a show as they have sex with each other. I believe the most important attraction of three-ways is their ability to amplify whichever characteristics turn the fantasizer on.

Typically, both partners are of the same gender and thus provide a double dose of maleness or femaleness. Consequently, straight women and gay men usually imagine two or more men, whereas straight men and lesbians gravitate toward two women. Not surprisingly, bisexuals sometimes enjoy the presence of both genders, but many prefer to take advantage of the amplification effect by fantasizing about two men or two women, depending on their inclination at the moment.

Second only to the popularity of multiple partners in favorite fantasies are very casual or anonymous partners. Among most of the subgroups, regardless of gender, 20 to 24 percent of their favorite fantasies involve sexy strangers or casual, chance meetings. Bisexual men have the most fantasies of anonymous sex 40 percent and lesbians have the fewest 17 percent. In real-life encounters most women want some link between sex and feelings of emotional connection, as compared with a significant number of men who do not necessarily require or even want such a connection.

However, this distinction almost completely disappears in fantasy. It is a dramatic reminder that in the realm of the erotic imagination we are frequently exempt from the values and preferences that guide our actual behavior. In only 12 percent of cases does The Group select fantasy partners with whom they have any real involvement beyond their fantasies, whether as dates, boyfriends or girlfriends, or primary partners. An even greater gender difference appears in regard to being infatuated or in love with their fantasy partners.

Women mention feelings of love more than three times more frequently than men 14 percent and 4 percent respectively. And once again, lesbians are the most likely 17 percent to mention loving their fantasy partners. This brief overview of the kinds and numbers of partners involved in peak encounters and fantasies underscores how frequently highly arousing experiences deviate from the norms and ideals with which most of us are raised.

How often have we read or been told that sex is best with a loving partner? Particularly in the realm of fantasy, the erotic mind claims for itself a wide zone of freedom from social conventions. The deeper, more complex dimensions of peak erotic events will occupy our attention in the coming chapters. If you have not yet started writing, why not begin now by responding to the SES or starting an erotic journal or both?

If you become a participating observer rather than a detached one, your discoveries will be much more likely to enrich you. This idea may have sounded reasonable enough, although perhaps a bit abstract. Think back over the peak encounters and fantasies you have remembered so far. Have you noticed anything that you felt inclined to judge?

Avoid the circular trap of judging yourself for being judgmental. As your awareness of judgments increases, so too will your ability to set them aside. You may have found some of them a bit kinky. Pretending to be open-minded is of little use. Jot down how you feel in your journal. When you come across a story that stimulates a particularly strong reaction, ask yourself how you might feel about the story if you approached it with an attitude of neutral curiosity. This discrepancy raises important questions: What is the relationship between peak arousal and the regular, everyday kind?

Does studying particularly exciting sex help us produce additional satisfying experiences, or is there a danger that we might end up feeling disappointed with simpler, less earthshaking pleasures? How unfortunate if we use the perfection of our best experiences to devalue more mundane sex. Sex therapists regularly see clients who have converted moments of special pleasure into sources of disappointment and frustration by using them to create higher standards and, in turn, greater pressures to perform. Tragically, they have turned the beauty of their peaks into painful reminders of their inadequacy.

What is the alternative? Peak turn-ons bestow their gifts most generously when each is recognized as one-of-a-kind. All peak experiences spring from total involvement in the moment, which is lost if you split your attention by comparing one moment to another. However, when you savor each magical memory on its own terms, your recollections help you to become more fully available for a wider variety peak erotic experiences.

In the latter part of the s my professional interests and personal struggles coincided as never before. On the personal side I had just extricated myself from the most painful yet sexually exhilarating relationship of my life. At one moment we would be lost in passion. Then, without warning, my lover would vanish, apparently overwhelmed by our closeness. For years I had come back for more until, devastated and humiliated, I eventually broke it off for good.

As I mourned my loss, I wondered whether—if I ever let myself fall in love again—I was destined to repeat the same drama. In my professional life, especially my studies of eroticism, I was also at a turning point. For years I had enthusiastically adhered to the principles of modern sex therapy launched by Masters and Johnson less than a decade before. They had made thousands of therapists realize that asking clients to try structured experiments at home could often help them work through even long-standing sexual problems more effectively than traditional therapies.

This approach had a worthy goal: Whereas modern sex therapy is anchored in the neat-and-clean model of sexual interaction that views barriers and inhibitions as unnecessary and unwelcome troublemakers, I was finding it impossible to ignore the fact that barriers seem to turn people on at least as often as they turn them off. Then, in preparation for a talk on sexual orientation, I was reading The Homosexual Matrix, an exceptional book by psychologist C. Tripp talking about me and my fizzled romance, but he was also addressing exactly the kinds of contradictions haunting me in my work.

As I read on, my self-preoccupation gradually gave way to the realization that my own torturous struggle reflected a larger human drama: I had to admit the obvious truth: Some experiences, it seems, are so universal as to be virtually invisible. When the erotic equation restates for people something they already know, they typically react as if a light has pierced the darkness. This is the heart of the matter: First, an attraction pulls you toward the object of your desire. Tripp says, to import.

And you want the desired one to see qualities in you that are worthy of exporting to him or her.

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Already the seeds are sown for your attraction to become truly dynamic. Suddenly or gradually, your fascination comes up against one or more obstacles to overcome—the second requirement for a truly compelling erotic response. Maybe the person is unavailable or somehow inappropriate to pursue. If your attraction touches a romantic chord, the risks of being hurt may loom up, urging you to retreat. Or you may simply be passing strangers, communicating with your eyes the thrill of something that can never be.

The erotic equation shows us why peak eroticism is rarely tidy, static, or predictable. It helps us fully grasp what we have always known: We are the most intensely excited when we are a little off-balance, uncertain, poised on the perilous edge between ecstasy and disaster.

The idea that our most erotic moments are born of conflict is not new. Freud certainly recognized it, though he conceptualized it differently. He believed that an eternal tension exists between the primitive, sexual, animalistic id and the overcivilized superego. Freud brought a radical message to his Victorian contemporaries: Like Freudian psychology, the erotic equation describes the interplay of impulse and restriction.

In any case, he concluded that even reasonably well-adjusted adults were doomed to frustration because the requirements of civilization must prevail over our unruly impulses. People often act as if this mystery were a fragile one. They fear that looking too closely at their attractions might dampen or destroy them.



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If you feel a similar reluctance to see all there is to see, let me offer you some assurances. Examining an attraction only disrupts or diminishes it if something about the attraction is detrimental to the person. Most people find that exploring their attractions deepens and enriches them. If you approach your attractions with respect, they will reveal some of their secrets to you.

Although you will never figure them out entirely, even small insights can enlarge the arena of your conscious choice—which is always empowering. There are two primary types of attraction: Each springs from distinct motives and generates different kinds of passions. Those who aspire to a healthy erotic life must develop a comfortable relationship with both types of attractions, for each is part of our humanity.

At one pole lust is simply pleasurable delight in our sensual appetites. At the opposite extreme, lust is defined as unrestrained, wanton surrender to carnal urges. From this point of view, a lustful person is often considered lascivious, lecherous, unsavory, and a potential menace. Sexual lust is decidedly unpopular these days, firmly linked with disease, pregnant teenagers, sexual abuse, harassment, sexual addiction, and even lust murders.

Given such unappealing associations, it may be difficult to think of it in a positive light. Thus the emphasis has shifted to relationships and monogamy. AIDS, of course, changed ah that, but other factors also played a part. Although lust has perhaps inevitably fallen into disfavor, we make a terrible mistake if we reject it completely.

Our erotic health requires that we make room for lust, for it provides much of the zest that makes sex fun and self-affirming. Socially, it is also very important not to reject lust, no matter how relentless the antisexual clamoring may become. When lust falls victim to the forces of repression, its negative potentials increase dramatically. At the heart of lusty attraction lies the desire for sexual excitation and orgasmic release, pure and simple.

It can be profound, utterly meaningless, playful, loving, or hostile. In its most intense forms lust has an animalistic quality that can be exhilarating, frightening, or both. The sexy other is simply a stimulus and, at least to a degree, an object. The nature of lust is to objectify, a reality that can be troublesome for many people.

According to one popular line of thinking, to see a person as an object is to do him or her a grave injustice. Focusing on just a part of someone for sexual kicks—voluptuous breasts, bulging biceps, or genitals, for instance—may even be considered a form of victimization. At its best it is an effective source of validation and approval. Having a desired partner perceive you as the object of desire can be flattering and exhilarating.

Both men and women—although by no means all—crave opportunities to be responded to as sex objects, and more than a few bemoan the fact that it happens too rarely. And as a society we spend billions of dollars and untold hours trying to make ourselves attractive sexual objects. To objectify is also to externalize, to recognize the desired one as the other —that is, to see clearly that he or she is outside oneself. This quality of otherness is absolutely essential for attraction. Not only is the object separated from the self, but that person is invested with sufficient value to make him or her worthy of pursuit.

One of the most beneficial features of lusty objectification is how it facilitates selective perceptions and idealizations. When you lust after someone, you naturally emphasize the qualities you find most appealing. Sonya, a thirty-eight-year-old member of The Group, describes how her fantasy life revolves around lusty objectification: I hardly ever have complete fantasy stories like the ones in books.

When I want to get hot I just imagine a beautiful set of male buns. I love to scan my eyes from the wide, muscular shoulders, down the v-shaped back, to that sloping transition from back to butt. The very top of the crack thrills me, especially when I catch a glimpse of it at the beach when a hot guy is wearing a skimpy swim suit. A gorgeous set of buns calls out to be caressed by my eyes or fingers. I go nuts over ones with dimple indentations on the sides. The strongest example of the objectifying quality of lust is a fetish, a superfocused erotic fascination with an inanimate object—something like underwear or shoes or garter belts—although the popular definition has gradually expanded to include a greater than usual fascination with a particular body part.

The fetish object usually has some obvious link to sex, but not always. Yet almost everyone with a fetish knows the circumstances under which it developed and its erotic significance for them. I once worked with a man who was very concerned about his obsession with raincoats, especially yellow plastic ones. His most intense orgasms occurred when he masturbated while wearing a raincoat, of which he had quite a collection. Although dismayed by his fetish, he had no trouble explaining it. As a boy he had received a gift of a little fire truck large enough for him to sit on and drive around the room.

There were two things he especially liked about this toy: Much later he came to realize that he was gay and that his fire truck sensations and fantasies offered him a compelling focal point for his fascination with men and masculinity. As years went by the masturbatory aspects of his raincoat rituals became more explicit and intense. This story demonstrates how lust can become focused on a single object and the images that go with it.

The fetish object becomes a kind of shorthand or, more accurately, an erotic cue that provides a pinpoint focus for arousal. It was once widely believed that women had little if any interest in lust. The narrowing of focus that is a hallmark of lust operates in both sexes, although it is significantly more pronounced in men. I believe that a major reason for this difference is the penis—an instantaneous and unavoidable arousal feedback system. A stiffening penis is extremely difficult to ignore.

Later, when they learn to masturbate, most men discover an even more compelling link between their favorite fantasy images and the immediate responses of their genitals. When a girl feels turned on, her genital responses are far less obvious. However, these differences are slowly changing. An increasing number of women are deliberately using masturbation and fantasy to cultivate more defined, focused erotic preferences. The same, of course, is true of lust. This is the currently fashionable explanation for acts such as rape and incest.

But it is sex and power and hatred—all rolled up together with the delusion among many predators that their victims actually enjoy it. I believe that the same is required for erotic health. It is a terrible mistake to deny or downplay the dog- eat-dog aspects that exist in all human interactions, including sexual ones. Only when we see both the positive and the negative expressions of our lusty impulses can we truly appreciate—with our eyes wide open—all the ways lust can add richness and zest to life. Lust connects us with our animal passions and brings us closer to primitive energies and motivations, which is precisely why it is so often feared.

Conversely, lust is most likely to turn destructive when it is split off from the rest of life, banished to a dark corner where it festers and grows hostile. Lust, by its very nature, objectifies, at least to a degree, but if you experience lust as an integral part of your total self, lusty objectification is balanced by your capacities to empathize with and respect others.

The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin: A Summary and Review

And so, for example, while you may fantasize about taking someone sexually against his or her will or about being taken , you will be able to draw a clear line between fantasy and behavior. Built into many a lusty fantasy or encounter is a hidden hope for more. In someone who experiences the full range of human needs, fears, and dreams, lust is sometimes the most tangible expression of a desire to reach out, to overcome physical separation and loneliness.