Remember This! Not Just Anyone Will Do (Relationship Talk Series Book 2)

I know quite a few people who have found love through OKCupid and Tinder — marriage, in a couple of cases — but I know far more who have been on two or three dates with nice people who have drifted and disappeared after a promising start. The rise of Tinder as the default platform has especially increased the speed and volume of choosing and rejecting.

Once we read long-form profiles. Now we maniacally, obsessively screen candidates in milliseconds. For example, you could find out if the man you went on a date with last night was looking for other women while you popped to the loo in the middle of dinner he was. I would have met none of them in my local. It means allowing yourself and your partner a kind of vulnerability that is often regarded as a sign of weakness and a source of fear. Remember the guy who I picked from a catalogue?

In my early days of dating online I reckoned that I should give men a chance if I found their messages tedious but their profiles intriguing. But the ones that I doubted beforehand never turned out to be men I wanted to get to know in person. In practice, mutual attraction is not enough: Ladies, are you listening? The second horseman was defensiveness which is a natural reaction to being criticized. Again, the Masters were very different even when their partner was critical.

Contempt is talking down to their partner. Not only did it predict relationship breakup, but it predicted the number of infectious illnesses that the recipient of contempt would have in the next four years when we measured health. Want to know a shortcut to creating a deeper bond with a romantic partner? Naturally, you want to know what stops those things from occurring, right? Why is this so rare? John cited a study showing couples with kids talk to each other about 35 minutes per week.

No, this has nothing to do with eBay. You say something and you want them to respond. The couples who divorced six years later had turned toward bids only 33 percent of the time. Couples with high scores build relationship equity. And that makes a big difference. Ever listen to someone madly in love talk about their partner? They sound downright delusional. They act like the other person is a superhero.

And research shows that is perfect. Masters see their partner as better than they really are.

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Disasters see their partners as worse than they really are. What does that actually mean?

Again, some advice from the readers:. And finally, pick your battles wisely. You and your partner only have so many fucks to give , make sure you both are saving them for the real things that matter. One piece of advice that comes to mind: Some things matter, worth getting upset about. Like Chinese water torture: Is it worth the cost of arguing? Eventually your kids grow up, your obnoxious brother-in-law will join a monastery and your parents will die. You got it… Mr.

You and your partner need to be the eye of the hurricane. Even cleaning up when you accidentally pee on the toilet seat seriously, someone said that — these things all matter and add up over the long run. This seems to become particularly important once kids enter the picture. The big message I heard hundreds of times about kids: Parents are expected to sacrifice everything for them.

But the best way to raise healthy and happy kids is to maintain a healthy and happy marriage.

LOGGING ON FOR LOVE

A good marriage makes good kids. So keep your marriage the top priority. Make time for it. Sex starts to slide. No other test required. I still remember back in college, it was one of my first relationships with a cute little redhead. We were young and naive and crazy about each other. And, because we happened to live in the same dorm, we were banging like rabbits. We fought more often, found ourselves getting annoyed with each other, and suddenly our multiple-times-per-day habit magically dried up.

To my surprised adolescent male mind, it was actually possible to have sex available to you yet not want it. It was almost, like, sex was connected to emotions. For a dumb year-old, this was a complete shocker. That was the first time I discovered a truth about relationships: If the relationship is good, the sex will be good. You both will be wanting it and enjoying it. When the relationship is bad — when there are unresolved problems and unaddressed negative emotions — then the sex will often be the first thing to go out the window. This was reiterated to me hundreds of times in the emails.

The nature of the sex itself varied quite a bit among couples — some couples take sexual experimentation seriously, others are staunch believers in frequency, others get way into fantasies — but the underlying principle was the same everywhere: But sex not only keeps the relationship healthy, many readers suggested that they use it to heal their relationships. That when things are a bit frigid between them or that they have some problems going on, a lot of stress, or other issues i. A few people even said that when things start to feel stale in the relationship, they agree to have sex every day for a week.

Then, as if by magic, by the next week, they feel great again. The sooner everyone accepts that, the happier everyone is. We all have things we like to do and hate to do; we all have things we are good at and not so good at. TALK to your partner about those things when it comes to dividing and conquering all the crap that has to get done in life.

Everyone has an image in their mind of how a relationship should work. Both people share responsibilities. Both people manage to finely balance their time together with the time for themselves. Both pursue engaging and invigorating interests on their own and then share the benefits together.

The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse

Both take turns cleaning the toilet and blowing each other and cooking gourmet lasagna for the extended family at Thanksgiving although not all at the same time. The fact is relationships are imperfect, messy affairs. Well, maybe if you had been listening, asshole. The common theme of the advice here was be pragmatic. If the wife is a lawyer and spends 50 hours at the office every week, and the husband is an artist and can work from home most days, it makes more sense for him to handle most of the day-to-day parenting duties. My wife loves cleaning no, seriously , but she hates smelly stuff. So guess who gets dishes and garbage duty?

Here honey, let me get that for you. On top of that, many couples suggested laying out rules for the relationship. To what degree will you share finances? How much debt will be taken on or paid off?

How much can each person spend without consulting the other? What purchases should be done together or do you trust each other to do separately? How do you decide which vacations to go on? Have meetings about this stuff. She immediately told me not to laugh, but that she was serious. I think the most important thing that I have learned in those years is that the love you feel for each other is constantly changing.

So even if you feel like you could never love your partner any more, that can change, if you give it a chance. I think people give up too soon.

The 4 Most Common Relationship Problems—And How to Fix Them

You need to be the kind of person that you want your spouse to be. When you do that it makes a world of difference. Out of the hundreds of analogies I saw these past few weeks, one stuck with me. A nurse emailed saying that she used to work with a lot of geriatric patients. And one day she was talking to a man in his lates about marriage and why his had lasted so long. The key is understanding that few of those waves have anything to do with the quality of the relationship — people lose jobs, family members die, couples relocate, switch careers, make a lot of money, lose a lot of money.

Your job as a committed partner is to simply ride the waves with the person you love, regardless of where they go. Because ultimately, none of these waves last. And you simply end up with each other. I felt as if we were floating along, doing a great job of co-existing and co-parenting, but not sustaining a real connection. It deteriorated to the point that I considered separating from her; however, whenever I gave the matter intense thought, I could not pinpoint a single issue that was a deal breaker. I knew her to be an amazing person, mother, and friend. I bit my tongue a lot and held out hope that the malaise would pass as suddenly as it had arrived.

Fortunately, it did and I love her more than ever. So the final bit of wisdom is to afford your spouse the benefit of the doubt. If you have been happy for such a long period, that is the case for good reason. Be patient and focus on the many aspects of her that still exist that caused you to fall in love in the first place. As always, it was humbling to see all of the wisdom and life experience out there.

There were many, many, many excellent responses, with kind, heartfelt advice. It was hard to choose the ones that ended up here, and in many cases, I could have put a dozen different quotes that said almost the exact same thing. Exercises like this always amaze me because when you ask thousands of people for advice on something, you expect to receive thousands of different answers. But in both cases now , the vast majority of the advice has largely been the same. It shows you how similar we really are. And how no matter how bad things may get, we are never as alone as we think.

I would end this by summarizing the advice in one tidy section. But once again, a reader named Margo did it far better than I ever could. That means emotionally, physically, financially or spiritually. Make nothing off limits to discuss. Never shame or mock each other for the things you do that make you happy. Write down why you fell in love and read it every year on your anniversary or more often. Write love letters to each other often. Make each other first. When kids arrive, it will be easy to fall into a frenzy of making them the only focus of your life…do not forget the love that produced them.

You must keep that love alive and strong to feed them love. Each of you will continue to grow. Bring the other one with you. Be the one that welcomes that growth.

The 4 Most Common Relationship Problems — And How To Fix Them | Observer

Be passionate about cleaning house, preparing meals and taking care of your home. This is required of everyone daily, make it fun and happy and do it together. Do not complain about your partner to anyone. Love them for who they are.

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Make love even when you are not in the mood. Give each other the benefit of the doubt always. Have nothing to hide.