Deal Breakers: Breaking Out of Relationship Purgatory

I read this book in one day and all I can say is Definitely a keeper and definitely one I would highly recommend to all. The author conveys her point in a very simple manner that brings a strong message: Combining stories that are ea Wow! Combining stories that are easy to relate to with good old-fashioned common sense, "Deal Breakers" is definitely in the top 5 of my Relationship books.

May 21, Shiloh rated it it was amazing Recommends it for: Any girl who is unsure about getting married. This book is great because it helps you step out of the "love bubble" where you are blind and think he'll get over it one day or he'll change, and allows you to view him for what he really is. Also gives you the tools to decide whether to work on the relationship because you love him, or walk away. Haven't finished it yet, but so far it's really helped me clear my mind and step away from the "oh woes me" to the idea that I still have my own life and can choose the path I want to take.

View all 3 comments. Feb 01, Carolyn rated it it was amazing Shelves: You know all those questions you ask yourself when you are dating someone?

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Well this book really helped me sort out answers to them! So, I definitely recommend it to anyone who is in a relationship or looking to learn about relationships. Just knowing what I picked up from the book helped me to decide what my answers are, which gives me a great jumping off point towards realizing what is really going on when I feel like I'm missing something. The information about the give and take and how things You know all those questions you ask yourself when you are dating someone?

The information about the give and take and how things get agreed upon and what makes a healthy relationship and how to handle things and what to do if it's you or what do do if it's him ect was all to the point and useful. I did think that the writer was a little comma happy and found a few mistakes but overall the tone of the book was a great balance between actually being comprehensive and informative while maintaining a friendly, funny, and easy to read tone. Jul 18, R. This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers.

To view it, click here. Read this on the recommendation of a friend of mine who is currently facing divorce. It's interesting how the different personalities are defined to reinforce the idea of a "deal breaker. My husband, for example, portrays pieces of several of the different personality descriptions, no one single description that sort of fits ranking any higher or lower than the others. So the information is good, the "deal breakers" and Read this on the recommendation of a friend of mine who is currently facing divorce.

So the information is good, the "deal breakers" and definitions used to work on them or walk away from them are definitely things to keep in mind and consider, but I don't believe the personalities are always as black and white as they may sometimes be described. The lines do blur, and if you're in a situation where you need this type of information, it's best for you to adapt as needed for your situation; don't think it has to come straight out of the box for it to work.

Oct 01, Kellee rated it did not like it Recommends it for: You should be smart enough to know when to leave a relationship. You don't have to put the men in a category before you do it. View all 6 comments. Jun 27, Gavin Sharma rated it it was ok. The cover says it all.

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A book by a woman from that woman's point of view. Only about deal breaking. Not much about deal making. This was an excellent book that clearly defines what a deal breaker is and when you should work on it and when you should walk away. If you are in a 'merry-go-round' relationship, get this book. Mar 16, Pamela Sweezy rated it it was amazing. I think this should be required reading for every lady who is interested in dating. Anyone can catch one, the hard part is catching a decent one. This was a cute, funny, and informative read with lots of ex I think this should be required reading for every lady who is interested in dating.

This was a cute, funny, and informative read with lots of examples to make the points. Refreshingly Simple Advice If you want clear-cut examples, information and decision-making strategies, this book is for you. There is plenty of humor, without sugar coating the real problems that some relationships face. Mar 29, Daniel Schulte rated it really liked it. Very informative book, and I appreciate that with a simple pronoun substitution it can be applied either to men or women.

Dec 30, Ha Doan rated it it was amazing. Crucial conversations at intimate relationship level. Mar 06, Ashley Monette rated it liked it. This was one of the easiest self-help books I've read. I find that most read more like a research paper. This was actually entertaining and I flew through it. This wasn't much help in my life, since there wasn't anything in here that I don't already know, but I do enjoy these types of books for some reason. Feb 27, Lesley Davidson rated it liked it. I recognize a few types from men I dated in the past.

Faults is that this book assumes the man is always a type and is always at fault. Some are still very good friends -not friend zone with benefits. And some who are suffering from ex's issues that creates tremendous stress and not all of their doing. Take it with a grain of salt! Aug 08, Lucy Wightman rated it liked it Recommends it for: Why did I read this book? I like to see what rings true for me when other people can succinctly sum things up.

Partially because it seemed to be a good reference for character development. And partially because I believe I can never stop working on how to be a better, more effective person. The title reflects the importance of knowing when someone is sim Why did I read this book?

The title reflects the importance of knowing when someone is simply not worth the effort, or when, what they do is a deal breaker and you best just walk or run away. Because of my past career, I appreciated Marshall's attempt to box up personality types, even though I do not think it possible to successfully do so. And within these categories are subcategories. What I liked were the few times the writing shifted to the reader. For example, hypothesizing about why we might be attracted to certain individual traits and behaviors. The blame game might work in the heat of the moment, and when our highest grey matter is not involved, but inevitably relationships are like the tango, and both are making the choice to movie their feet.

At the end she gives a summary of how to make better choices. Some of the reading got uncomfortable when Marshall became too casual about the characters she outlined. I guess some of this was meant to be funny, but I found it tasteless and I little bit on the cruel side. And I could not help but wonder if a book that pegged women like this would sell, and what the categories might be. Feb 25, Ctny rated it really liked it. The cover to this book is embarrassing and does not reflect the sound advice within its pages. Like most who picked up this book, I am uneducated about how to decipher my dates and boyfriends intentions and personalities.

Before this book I felt that "figuring people out" was narrow minded and insulting because people are dynamic and life changes our moods and opinions every day. However, we all have base line personality types and I couldn't help but see myself in a lot of the personality types The cover to this book is embarrassing and does not reflect the sound advice within its pages. However, we all have base line personality types and I couldn't help but see myself in a lot of the personality types Marshall described for men of course I saw my bf too!

Don't be fooled by the accessible, borderline cheesy format and writing style - this book is full of practical advice that I immediately put to use for myself and my relationship. I'll be darned my boyfriend responded immediately to my refreshed approach to improve our situation! Sep 09, Colleenish rated it liked it Shelves: This book helps women recognize different destructive types of men, when to work on a relationship, and when to walk away. It is an easy read with good examples and good advice about how to stand up for yourself. I did take it's advice with a grain of salt though.

All the author's examples are ways that men are behaving wrongly. Doesn't she think there are ways that we also hurt relationships in ways besides accommodating men? I didn't understand why she chose her point of view This book helps women recognize different destructive types of men, when to work on a relationship, and when to walk away. I didn't understand why she chose her point of view. Her types of men are really really stereotypical.

I believe that they apply sometimes, but I bet most men are more complicated than she seems to allow. And lastly, the "girlfriend" style of writing really grates on my nerves. Jan 01, Kathrynn rated it it was amazing Shelves: Nicely written and enjoyed the author's humor. The author categorizes bad relationships into 5 categories.

• Deal Breakers: When to Work on a Relationship and When to Walk Away?
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For example, if your boyfriend consistently refused to attend family holidays, then he was probably ruining your hopes of a relationship arrangement that included interest in each other's life and a possible future together. If he continually questioned your decisions, he could have been undermining your dreams of a relationship built upon trust.

If he flew into irrational jealous rages, then he was possibly dashing your hopes of being in a stable relationship arrangement. A deal breaker is not a deal breaker unless it destroys something that is precious to you. But deal breakers are emotional, so they're easy to miss. They're feelings, so there's nothing to sign. And they can be difficult to talk about, because they're typically unspoken.

Here are some important aspects of common relationship arrangements and the deal breakers that can destroy them: He wants to oversee and approve your friendships and date book. Not only has he been in the same job for fifteen years, but his uniform still includes a paper hat. You need a relationship where conflicts are discussed and resolved. To him, resolving conflicts means getting you to put a sock in it.

You want to feel special. He is withholding and cheap. You want to know that when you see him, he is the same person he was the last time you saw him. He is so moody that you are convinced he has PMS. You like the idea of monogamy. He's faithful, but when he sees another woman his tongue unfurls like a cartoon rodent's. And so it is with deal breakers. One person has a need. The other will not fulfill it. One person wants to get married. The other person does not. One person wants fidelity. The other does not. One person wants freedom. The other is only interested in control.

Deal breakers undermine the very conditions that make it possible to love. And as such, they constitute a warning that the relationship needs either to dissolve or to change. Unfortunately, you may not know what you want out of a relationship. Or if you do, you may feel guilty about creating the situation that works best for you. Thus, you may remain unaware of the factors that make a relationship impossible. But do not be discouraged. Being in a good relationship is not rocket science. By the time you are finished with this book, you will know exactly what you want. In the meantime, here's a little tidbit to think about.

Regardless of the arrangement that you are trying to build for yourself, your healthy relationship should include three important ingredients: Reciprocity Both of you are equally invested in the relationship. Generativity The relationship generates something new a new experience, a new understanding, a new solution with each encounter -- thus it is always moving forward. Honesty You feel free to tell him what's on your mind and he responds by revealing his true thoughts, motivations, and intentions.

Thus, you continually get to know each other better. It's a red flag if you have to call your friends or obtain a PhD to decipher what he is trying to communicate to you. For example, you think that you are having a discussion, but you walk away from each conversation feeling confused. Or you worry about whether he's coming clean or telling you the truth. Or you try to communicate with him, but he hears something other than what you said. And you begin to realize that if you cannot communicate about the simplest of things, you might not be able to build a good relationship arrangement together.

You keep trying to connect the dots, but you can't -- and you wonder if there's a deeper issue that you are missing?

Deal Breakers

Or whether the problem is serious enough to be considered a deal breaker? A deal breaker is not a one-time fight. Nor is it an excuse to put distance between you and him. A deal breaker is a sign of everything else that is wrong in a relationship. Sometimes, deal breakers erupt into consciousness during one awful moment like discovering a pile of bounced checks when you have long suspected that he is irresponsible. Or they are characterized by a series of seemingly minor events that add up to one big problem like many social events during which he inappropriately brags -- worse yet, about his baseball card collection.

Often deal breakers surface in social contexts, where it becomes easier to view your partner through the eyes of others you trust. For instance, Jim entered therapy to understand his inability to assert himself. Although Jim is a brilliant oncologist, he has a poorly defined sense of self.

Thus, he is constantly seeking approval and is rarely willing to say what he thinks. In a recent session, Jim described a painful breakup that occurred in his early twenties. He had been dating a girl who overlooked many instances in which Jim had exaggerated his accomplishments in order to gain approval.

About one year into the relationship, she introduced Jim to her parents. During the introduction, Jim lied and told them he was a licensed MD when in fact he had not yet attended medical school. His girlfriend became worried and broke off the relationship. As I listened to Jim's painful recollection, I thought, Of course she broke up with you!

Deal breakers : when to work on a relationship and when to walk away

This was a deal breaker! The poor girl had probably been listening to your thinly veiled lies and exaggerations for months. But when she observed you lying to her parents, and was able to view the problem from their perspective, she was finally able to conceptualize everything else that was wrong with the relationship.

Women who come to me for help initially express surface complaints about the men in their lives: Is it wrong for me to feel upset? That really bothers me. It hurts my feelings, and I'm not sure why. And often, the woman's original concern is backed up by other observations and worries that reflect the true significance of the original complaint. For instance, the man who fixated on his girlfriend's breasts had other parallel problems if he hadn't, it would not have been a deal breaker. He only related to the parts of her that felt exciting and pleasurable to him and ignored the rest he forgot that breasts are typically attached to a person.

Therefore, he could not understand anything about her that did not relate directly to himself. This major problem had an impact on the rest of his relationships, as he saw people as objects to meet his needs rather than as individuals with thoughts, feelings, and desires of their own. Whenever I explore a woman's relationship complaints, I can tell if they constitute a deal breaker.

If she's referring to a deal breaker, her original complaint will be related to many other problems in the relationship. If she's trying to work through a curable problem, then her worries will either have to do with her own history for example, she was abandoned as a child and is now anxious whenever her husband goes out of town or the problem can easily be fixed.

True deal breakers are symptomatic of underlying relationship problems. They point to something severe, such as a relationship impasse or a destructive emotional issue that cannot be resolved. As such, deal breakers become signposts of other dynamics that are unworkable in a relationship.

In the second session, she told me that her boyfriend wanted to take back a diamond tennis bracelet that he had given her for Christmas. His plan was to exchange it for an engagement ring that Giselle had admired.

On the face of it, the infraction seemed benign. I mean, she had admired an engagement ring that he now wanted to buy for her! As the story unfolded, however, I learned that Giselle's lover frequently bought her gifts after closing business deals. But the minute they had a minor quarrel, he would retaliate by retrieving her gifts and returning them for cash. His problem was compounded by a belief that Giselle was a money-grubbing girl who only wanted him for his money. He screwed people out of money for a living. He assumed Giselle did too. Of course, the gift-returning scenario merely reflected layers of other relationship problems.

He frequently took things personally and would become upset at minor infractions. He was constantly breaking up with Giselle and then reuniting with her. The breakups seemed to occur during periods when he was feeling his oats and wanted to go out for a good time with his friends.

As with the gifts, he was constantly offering his love and then taking it back. Once Giselle understood that she was like the bracelet -- easily bought and easily returned -- she was able to use the realization that this was a deal breaker to implement important changes in her life. Once Giselle realized that the gift-returning incidents were symptomatic of deeper relationship problems, she wasalso able to understand that the relationship arrangement was not working for her.

Although she wanted a relationship that potentially included marriage, her lover was too busy breaking off the relationship to create a secure future for them. Because deal breakers are signs of other relationship problems, they can slap you in the face while other important problems are hidden from view.