Making Marriage Work

So what does work? John Gottman is a marriage counselor who took a different approach and started to collect rigorous scientific evidence on over couples, tracking the fate of their marriages for up to fourteen years. The results of his work are startling. He uncovered a number of relationship myths, including the one about communication. He found that happy marriages were never perfect unions.

These satisfied couples often had differences in temperament, interests, and family values. They argued over money, kids, and housekeeping, just like unhappy couples did. They had problems and faced issues. Every marriage is vulnerable to failure. It takes work to enjoy a satisfying relationship with a spouse.

Jun 04, Jared rated it liked it. My favorite quote in the whole book: Overall, one of the better books I've seen on fostering a happy marriage. A very useful read for any couple seeking to improve their conflict resolution skills or just strengthen their relationship. Gottman's principles are supported by some of the best research anywhere on marital relations, although he's obviously very proud of My favorite quote in the whole book: Gottman's principles are supported by some of the best research anywhere on marital relations, although he's obviously very proud of his research e.

In other words, it's not that couples with strong marriages don't argue or disagree, it's that they do so in a spirit of respect and quick reconciliation. A strong foundation of real friendship in marriage makes this possible. This book would be one of my first recommendations for couples seeking to improve their relationship. Mar 12, Rachelle rated it it was ok. I probably should rank this book higher. I think the principles are sound and obviously well researched. I imagine that everything he says in here is true.

It's just not the kind of marriage book that inspires me. It is too much of "do this and don't do this" rather than providing inspiration and perspective on marriage. Stuff like tha I probably should rank this book higher. Stuff like that really ends up making me far more stressed about the issue than I was before.

I like the part where he talks about how happily married couples don't necessarily have to "solve" every problem and that clear communication i. There were some good parts Although part of me thinks I shouldn't read so many books about marriage before I'm married it can be depressing to sift through all the potential problems that are being addressed in these self-help books , I'm also drawn to them because it's so hard for me to wrap my head around the reality of marriage, and I've always been someone for whom research has provided much reassurance and comfort.

So, although I might be putting the cart before the horse, I really like to get things right! As far as Although part of me thinks I shouldn't read so many books about marriage before I'm married it can be depressing to sift through all the potential problems that are being addressed in these self-help books , I'm also drawn to them because it's so hard for me to wrap my head around the reality of marriage, and I've always been someone for whom research has provided much reassurance and comfort. John Gottman is referenced in nearly every relationship book out there, and with good reason.

While some of it seems like common sense, some of it is surprising: I listened to the audio version of this, and it doesn't translate particularly well to audio. So I didn't do any of the exercises, and I spaced out during some of them, but when I did listen, it at least gave me some insight into aspects of myself or my relationship that I might not have looked at in such particular terms otherwise.

At any rate, if you're looking for research or advice on marriage, I wouldn't hesitate to recommend Gottman, and I hope to continue learning from his work. Mar 13, Edward rated it it was ok. Why is it considered normal to consult a manual and put work into maintaining a car, but not a relationship? This book can be pretty cheesey a lot of the time, but it contains lots of exercises, is easy to read, and is based on principles and evidence that is highly regarded in the field which surprised me.

From his experimental "love lab", Gottman observed tons of couples that worked and didn't. His findings inform the book. Sep 16, Lena rated it really liked it Shelves: John Gottman became famous for his work in Seattle's "Love Lab," a research apartment wired with cameras he used to observe how volunteer couples communicated with one another.

Through his observations, Gottman discovered patterns of communication that correlate with lasting relationships. View all 4 comments. Jun 27, r. If I could I would give this book 1.

I got curious about this book when my supervisor mentioned that she wants to go to one of Gottman's trainings as he is a relationship expert. I nearly quit reading when I got to the recommendation to tell my partner 'poor baby' when said partner has gotten in trouble for being late to work.

I was astounded by this suggestion. I really expected to read a - "just kidding" - somewhere in the text. As a therapist and also speakin If I could I would give this book 1. As a therapist and also speaking as someone who is quite happily married, I think it is important to help one another aim for maturity This strengthening the connection between the spouses notion gets repeated in his advice on dealing with in-law tensions; he asserts that the solution to this common conflict is "for the husband to side with his wife against his mother" So the husband must let his mother know that the wife does indeed come first.

Furthermore, to promote we-ness seems rooted in anxiety; imagine instead to aim for a thoughtful, creative, loving, and mature connection with another person, where both people in the marriage can think independently and not always have to aim to please the other spouse. The book left me wondering if the couples who do resort to gossip, choosing spouses over their families of origin and saying "poor baby" to one another end up rather alienated from many of the other important and meaningful relationships in their lives.

The language and content are heteronormative and this got a bit annoying. Otherwise, there are some really great suggestions mixed into this book. His thoughts on how to predict divorce were interesting and many of his thoughts and exercises on how to get unstuck from perceived perpetual conflicts seemed useful. Jun 14, Lindsay rated it really liked it Shelves: I first read about Gottman's marriage research in Maclom Gladwell's Blink. Since I am interested in all things social science, I picked up this book at the library.

The biggest downfall of the book is Gottman's egoistic prose. He has been at the forefront of research in his field - and I would have believed him the first time he mentioned it. Jan 03, Lars rated it it was amazing. I haven't read a lot of marital counselling books, yet I feel good about claiming that this one is the best one out there.

This has been one of the most enlightening and thought-provoking books I've ever read. The best part is: It's simple and practical. He doesn't dwell on complext theories of romantic love and its components--he focuses on what's been shown to make marriages work. Dec 13, Shady Elyaski rated it it was amazing. Please read that book if you are in a relationship! If you really think you are really good at it, you are not!

Your relationship might die if you don't work on it. So please make yourself a favor and learn how you can get better. Jun 20, Amy rated it it was amazing Shelves: This is not just a book for professionals, its for anyone who wants to make their marriage stronger. Its easy to use, and easy to buy into. John and Julie Gottman have spent over 40 years researching, writing about, and working with couples, and they are the hallmark of what they do - creating marriages that last and sustain.

I am teaching the Gottman Method tomorrow, and I enjoyed this read and learned a lot. But this is one of those books a person grows with, just because. This is also my June This is not just a book for professionals, its for anyone who wants to make their marriage stronger. This is also my June Decathlon Pick - I have been married for 22 years this September, and the last decade has been all about this partnership and my family.

Adding in the teaching doesn't hurt either.

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Even if that new feature was just in the last month of the last decade, its been a life dream to teach on the graduate level, so that is pretty cool. I am teaching ten weeks of couples counseling and am loving it. Within a couple of weeks I happen to be teaching on neurodiversity and emotional intelligence in couples. So who knows - this course might help me meet another challenge too Aug 24, J. Knutson rated it liked it. I think the takeaway is that Austin and I are incredibly compatible! Jan 29, PhilorChelsy rated it really liked it Shelves: This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers.

To view it, click here. This was one that made me feel, 'ah, now I see why that marriage is working for so-and-so And have positive attributes going for them. Maybe any two people who work at it, CAN in fact maintain a healthy marriage. Only after the papers have been signed, the furniture divided, and separate apartments rented do the exes realize how much they really gave up when they gave up on each other.

Too often a good marriage is taken for granted rather than given the nurturing and respect it deserves and desperately needs. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company. He goes on to talk about a marriage that is built on little daily humdrum and seemingly unromantic things like him calling to see how an appointment went and her asking how a meeting went and him making breakfast, but leaving out an ingredient he knows she dislikes.

He says these are things that maintain friendship. Their positivity causes them to feel optimistic about each other and their marriage, to assume positive things about their lives together, and to give each other the benefit of the doubt. This name refers to any statement or action- silly or otherwise- that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. When one child knows I'm upset, she gets a sad face and says, "I need a hug.

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When I asked what he was doing, he pouted and said, "I just want to make you happy, and I'm not sure what to do! His repair attempt worked. One of the best pieces of advice I feel he gives: This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage.

But it does mean that the typical conflict-resolution advice won't help. Instead, you need to understand the bottom-line difference that is causing the conflict between you- and learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other. I didn't marry you because I though you would one day become just like me, I married you because you are you! They remember the major events in each others history, and they keep updating their information as teh facts and feelings of their spouses world changes They know each others goals in life, each others worries, each other's hopes.

The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt. If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree. Turn toward each other, in little ways, instead of away. Read the paper together, discuss the weather together, chat during dinner. All of this builds up good feelings towards each other in your emotional bank account works for kids too! It is the secret to reconnecting with your partner. While most people think a romantic night out or getaway is what they need, those only work only when the couple has kept up daily.

When the couple disagreed, these husbands actively searched for common ground rather than insisting on getting their way. With children as well to a point. When husbands and wives feel connected to turn to each other in happy and sad moments. This isn't a symptom of a troubled marriage- it's true in most happy marriages as well. Solvable or not solvable: Not solvable can become a gridlock in your marriage: All of this is telling you there is a profound difference between you that needs to be addressed before you can put the problem in it's place.

Solvable is usually less painful because it is focused more on a simple issue. Communicating basic acceptance of your partner's personality. Your spouse must also feel understood and casored for first.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - Wikipedia

It means treating your spouse with the same respect you offer to company. Doesn't have to be cute and sweet, it can be "Hey, I can be a slob too, but I'm so angry that you walked by the full laundry basket three times tonight and didn't fold a single towel! Find the common goals. Whatever the issue, be it housework duties to parenting, write it out. Couples are counseled to spend some time away from the baby and focus on Yes, the couple should spend time away from the baby occasionally. But if they are making [the transition to parenthood] well together, they will find that they can't stop talking about the baby, nor do they want to The important thing here is that they are in it together.

You will learn to live with the problem. Couples who are demanding of their marriages are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations Write about the issue from each of your positions and write the story behind it. Write about what plans you saw your life taking. Then each get to talk 15 min while the other simply listens. And do not try to solve anything. Take a relaxing break. With each other or alone.

Don't think about the issue. Then come back and make your lists again, things you can't compromise on in this issue only one or two if possible! Temporary compromise that honors and respects both sides. Try it for two months and come back. Having and atmosphere in the home where each are comfortable to talk about views. Some experts claim if we lower our overly-high expectation of each other in marriage, things will smooth out better This suggests that by holding your relationship to high standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of marriage you want than you are by looking the other way and letting things slide.

Mar 04, Hawley rated it it was amazing. Matt's reading this for class, and though it's a secular book, he says it's really pretty fantastic. It's based on years of in-depth scientific research and doesn't just theorize potential trendy ways to re-phrase things and thereby "improve communication" in a marriage. It's not gimmicky, but it does have different exercises you can do with your spouse to help you to figure out some of the roots of things I mostly skipped those, but found the book affirming of my marriage whic Matt's reading this for class, and though it's a secular book, he says it's really pretty fantastic.

I mostly skipped those, but found the book affirming of my marriage which I had already believed to be fairly healthy, but of course every marriage takes work and can take steps to be strengthened and also comforting, encouraging. I would recommend this book to anyone who is married.

Whether it be a great, healthy relationship or a marriage that is about to break - and anything in between. I hope my friends read it! Oct 25, Karen rated it it was amazing. This book is immensely practical as a guide to what matters about how couples treat each other, and why these things matter so much. For me, it illuminated a repeated conflict in my marriage so that I finally understood what was wrong with what I'd been doing. Also, we both loved the phrase, "thoughts of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood" they're a no-no, btw and now whenever one of us seems to be sulking or nursing a grudge, the other one will ask, "Are you having thoughts of?

Gottman does boast quite a bit in this book, which is annoying. But the book has so much insight it was well worth putting up with the bragging. Jan 24, Aubrey rated it really liked it. Lots of good and helpful insight. My favorite quote about successful couples: They h Lots of good and helpful insight. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage. Jan 16, Kate rated it really liked it Shelves: The author thinks rather highly of himself and his research, but as annoying as his attitude is, he does make some excellent points. I've been married for almost eleven years, and while I consider my marriage to be quite healthy, I definitely found this book to be helpful and informative.

Mar 02, Ayelet Waldman rated it it was amazing. This man is a genius. Jan 26, Andrea Norton rated it really liked it Shelves: Before , I would never be caught reading a self-help book, let alone one on relationships. However, I decided to make about reading things I normally wouldn't read, things out of my comfort zone, and the best sellers in those areas.

I do not read marriage books for help or advice. Because of that, I have a very different way of looking at the Seven Principles than the usual reader would. I am reading marriage books because they truly are out of my comfort zone. With nonfiction, I Before , I would never be caught reading a self-help book, let alone one on relationships. With nonfiction, I take a glance at reviews before I get into the book. Is there something a lot of people have pointed out? Why are there one-or-five star reviews?

What does the vast majority say? I don't do that with fiction; I want to be surprised. Knowing what the lower star reviews said, I settled in with The Seven Principles and popped the cap off of my highlighter. I did see a lot of reviews saying Mr. Gottman is very egotistical in the first pages of this book as he talks about himself and his research a lot. Well, everyone has their own perspective, so I was curious to see just how bad the egoism was.

I really didn't find it that bad. As I read this cover to cover I hear a lot of people don't , I can say that all of the referrals to himself and research that he's done really simmers down as the book goes on. He does refer to it, yes, but he also refers to a lot of other research in his field. I'm not sure if Mr. Gottman is egotistical or if he is trying to drive it home that he's not just a random person who thinks he knows everything about marriage so he wrote a book about it.

He is giving clarification for his stance; or that's how I took it. I have been married twice. I am now married to Sean, and he's on his first marriage. My divorce was not for irreconcilable differences; I left due to various forms of abuse. Sean is the one person who could get me out of that life, and years later, here we are. As much as I have had two marriages, I feel I have been married in my heart one time: My two marriages are like night and day, dark and light.

As I read The Seven Principles, I could not only see all of the areas that this marriage with Sean is glowing; I saw where my first marriage failed beyond abuse. While I did have some idea of other issues that would have killed it eventually, more became clear as I read on. There are a ton of exercises in this book - I mean, a ton.

They are either done by yourself or with your spouse. Because I review everything I read, Sean and I always do the exercises in any given book. One exercise in particular provided a lot of clarity because my immediate thought on reading it was, "This seems like a really good idea, but the emotional toll it would take on me given the state of our relationship isn't a cost I'm willing to bear.

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Although we ultimately divorced, I continue to use the insight I gained from this book in evaluating the health and long-term viability of my dating relationships. I love audio books and this one works well on my iPhone. To me, the author is saying that your basic friendship with your spouse will get you through the hard times and that you need to treat your spouse with the same courtesy that you treat other people. You need to focus on what you like about them.

It gives good common sense. It promotes a science of emotion and communication. It's a bit on the long side due to its many examples and descriptions, but it's worth sticking through to the end. The questionnaires peppered throughout the book are particularly useful at helping you diagnose areas which need improvement, followed by specific counsel on how to improve.

The filler consists of examples and discussion of how research methods. You really only need to read those parts once. Identifying the applicable parts of the book quickly will help facilitate your revisiting the book for advice over time. Kindle Edition Verified Purchase. This book comes from the knowledgeable position of research into married couples from an observation methodology. I liked that especially well; it's not opinion-based. Once I began reading, I could see clearly how marriages I know that have failed do trot out the "four horsemen" and how admiration and friendship radiate in marriages I admire.

I applied some principles in this book and some from "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" and saw an immediate positive difference in my own marriage. The only reason I give four stars rather than five is because this book approaches all the exercises from the assumption that the couple is equally interested in the "let's work on our marriage" perspective, which would not be useful for me.

This is one element I like better about the other book. However, you can still do or partially do the exercises in this book without sitting down as a couple and "agreeing" to work on the marriage, and it will still have tremendously positive results if only one person makes a decision to do these positive things. This book is different from most other self help , counseling books.

Don't misunderstand that statement- the book is very easy to read, and is not filled with a lot of dry abstract statements. The author has actually done years of research, carefully observing and recording the interactions of married couples, and so he bases his views not on what common sense would tell you , but on what actually happens when couples interact. It is not just about about lots of sad marriage stories. He tells you first, the hallmark signs of the marriages that will split and those that will weather it, not just vague ideas, but specifically what will produce a divorce.

Then he also tells you what will keep a marriage together. There are a number of exercises for a couple, to give some feedback specifically for the reader. There are a lot of them, one after each chapter, so probably you don't want to do them all. But its a great jump off point for a couple to get going on his theories. There is no ONE book that can pinpoint human behavior , especially not for two different people.

But this one shows some empirical basis for his ideas, and for that reason, it sets it apart. Marriage is as complex as it is potentially rewarding. I'd recommend this book to anyone looking to be in a romantic relationship, not just married people. John Gottman is the best author you could read. I bought this book for a Psychology of Marriage class at my university, and I will always keep this book like a bible to me; I even bought one for my sister and brother in law, who are the best couple I know, because they found it interesting as well.

My copy, which I'd bought brand new, now has several underlines and stars and dog ears, because every page is filled with wisdom. These are not just an old man's ideas about how relationships should work, he really has several years of studies under his belt. This book really tells you what works and what doesn't, and how to get your relationships on track. This book changed my life, because it helped me with not only romantic relationships, but my family and friend relationships.

It has several handy little exercises throughout the book that you can do with your partner, if you wish. It's 7 principles are so easy to understand and once you do understand, they are easy to put into practice. Everything is supported by research and explained in a very logical way. See all reviews. Customers who viewed this item also viewed. Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition. The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples.

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