Chasing Happiness - Pregnant Punk at 14, Enlightened at 40

Turn them on, if not to drugs, then to beauty, love, honesty, fun. The media was right behind them, casting a spotlight on the Haight-Ashbury district and popularizing the "hippie" label. With this increased attention, hippies found support for their ideals of love and peace but were also criticized for their anti-work, pro-drug, and permissive ethos.

At this point, The Beatles had released their groundbreaking album Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band which was quickly embraced by the hippie movement with its colorful psychedelic sonic imagery.

Chasing Happiness - Pregnant Punk at 14, Enlightened at 40

By the end of the summer, the Haight-Ashbury scene had deteriorated. The incessant media coverage led the Diggers to declare the "death" of the hippie with a parade. Haight-Ashbury could not accommodate the influx of crowds mostly naive youngsters with no place to live. Many took to living on the street, panhandling and drug-dealing. There were problems with malnourishment, disease, and drug addiction.

Crime and violence skyrocketed. None of these trends reflected what the hippies had envisioned. By , hippie-influenced fashions were beginning to take off in the mainstream, especially for youths and younger adults of the populous " Baby Boomer " generation, many of whom may have aspired to emulate the hardcore movements now living in tribalistic communes, but had no overt connections to them. This was noticed not only in terms of clothes and also longer hair for men, but also in music, film, art, and literature, and not just in the US, but around the world. Eugene McCarthy 's brief presidential campaign successfully persuaded a significant minority of young adults to "get clean for Gene" by shaving their beards or wearing longer skirts; however the "Clean Genes" had little impact on the popular image in the media spotlight, of the hirsute hippy adorned in beads, feathers, flowers and bells.

A sign of this was the visibility that the hippie subculture gained in various mainstream and underground media. Hippie exploitation films are s exploitation films about the hippie counterculture [78] with stereotypical situations associated with the movement such as cannabis and LSD use, sex and wild psychedelic parties. Other more serious and more critically acclaimed films about the hippie counterculture also appeared such as Easy Rider and Alice's Restaurant. List of films related to the hippie subculture.

Documentaries and television programs have also been produced until today as well as fiction and nonfiction books. The popular Broadway musical Hair was presented in People commonly label other cultural movements of that period as hippie, however there are differences. For example, hippies were often not directly engaged in politics, as contrasted with "Yippies" Youth International Party , an activist organization.

The Yippies came to national attention during their celebration of the spring equinox, when some 3, of them took over Grand Central Terminal in New York—eventually resulting in 61 arrests. The Yippies, especially their leaders Abbie Hoffman and Jerry Rubin , became notorious for their theatrics, such as trying to levitate the Pentagon at the October war protest, and such slogans as "Rise up and abandon the creeping meatball!

In Cambridge, hippies congregated each Sunday for a large "be-in" at Cambridge Park with swarms of drummers and those beginning the Women's Movement. In the US the Hippie movement started to be seen as part of the " New Left " which was associated with anti-war college campus protest movements.

In April , the building of People's Park in Berkeley, California received international attention.

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The University of California, Berkeley had demolished all the buildings on a 2. After a long delay, during which the site became a dangerous eyesore, thousands of ordinary Berkeley citizens, merchants, students, and hippies took matters into their own hands, planting trees, shrubs, flowers and grass to convert the land into a park. A major confrontation ensued on May 15, , when Governor Ronald Reagan ordered the park destroyed, which led to a two-week occupation of the city of Berkeley by the California National Guard.

Wavy Gravy 's Hog Farm provided security and attended to practical needs, and the hippie ideals of love and human fellowship seemed to have gained real-world expression. Similar rock festivals occurred in other parts of the country, which played a significant role in spreading hippie ideals throughout America. The Hells Angels provided security that proved far less benevolent than the security provided at the Woodstock event: By the s, the s zeitgeist that had spawned hippie culture seemed to be on the wane.

Nevertheless, the turbulent political atmosphere that featured the bombing of Cambodia and shootings by National Guardsmen at Jackson State University and Kent State University still brought people together. Much of hippie style had been integrated into mainstream American society by the early s. The anti-war movement reached its peak at the May Day Protests as over 12, protesters were arrested in Washington DC.

President Nixon himself actually ventured out of the White House and chatted with a group of the 'hippie' protesters. The draft was ended soon thereafter, in During the mid s, with the end of the draft and the Vietnam War , a renewal of patriotic sentiment associated with the approach of the United States Bicentennial and the emergence of punk in London, Manchester, New York and Los Angeles, the mainstream media lost interest in the hippie counterculture.

At the same time there was a revival of the Mod subculture , skinheads, teddy boys and the emergence of new youth cultures, like the goths an arty offshoot of punk and football casuals. Acid rock gave way to prog rock , heavy metal , disco , and punk rock. Starting in the late s, hippies began to come under attack by skinheads.

The countercultural movement was also under covert assault by J. Hippie ideals had a marked influence on anarcho-punk and some post-punk youth subcultures, especially during the Second Summer of Love. Hippie communes, where members tried to live the ideals of the hippie movement, continued to flourish. On the west coast, Oregon had quite a few. Some are still around. While many hippies made a long-term commitment to the lifestyle, some people argue that hippies "sold out" during the s and became part of the materialist, consumer culture.

Many embrace the hippie values of peace, love, and community, and hippies may still be found in bohemian enclaves around the world. The bohemian predecessor of the hippie culture in San Francisco was the " Beat Generation " style of coffee houses and bars, whose clientele appreciated literature, a game of chess, music in the forms of jazz and folk style , modern dance, and traditional crafts and arts like pottery and painting.

The beatnik thing was black, cynical, and cold. One expression of hippie independence from societal norms was found in their standard of dress and grooming, which made hippies instantly recognizable to one another, and served as a visual symbol of their respect for individual rights. Through their appearance, hippies declared their willingness to question authority, and distanced themselves from the "straight" and " square " i.

At the same time, many thoughtful hippies distanced themselves from the very idea that the way a person dresses could be a reliable signal of who he or she was—especially after outright criminals such as Charles Manson began to adopt superficial hippie characteristics, and also after plainclothes policemen started to "dress like hippies" to divide and conquer legitimate members of the counterculture. Frank Zappa , known for lampooning hippie ethos, particularly with songs like " Who Needs the Peace Corps?

Leading proponents of the s Psychedelic Art movement were San Francisco poster artists such as: Posters for concerts in the Fillmore West , a concert auditorium in San Francisco, popular with Hippie audiences, were among the most notable of the time. Richly saturated colors in glaring contrast, elaborately ornate lettering, strongly symmetrical composition, collage elements, rubber-like distortions, and bizarre iconography are all hallmarks of the San Francisco psychedelic poster art style. The style flourished from roughly the years to Their work was immediately influential to album cover art, and indeed all of the aforementioned artists also created album covers.

Psychedelic light-shows were a new art-form developed for rock concerts. Using oil and dye in an emulsion that was set between large convex lenses upon overhead projectors, the lightshow artists created bubbling liquid visuals that pulsed in rhythm to the music. This was mixed with slide shows and film loops to create an improvisational motion picture art form, and to give visual representation to the improvisational jams of the rock bands and create a completely "trippy" atmosphere for the audience.

The Brotherhood of Light were responsible for many of the light-shows in San Francisco psychedelic rock concerts. Out of the psychedelic counterculture there also arose a new genre of comic books: Zap Comix was among the original underground comics, and featured the work of Robert Crumb , S. Underground comix were ribald, intensely satirical, and seemed to pursue weirdness for the sake of weirdness. Gilbert Shelton created perhaps the most enduring of underground cartoon characters, The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers , whose drugged-out exploits held a mirror up to the hippie lifestyle of the s.

As in the beat movement preceding them, and the punk movement that followed soon after, hippie symbols and iconography were purposely borrowed from either "low" or "primitive" cultures, with hippie fashion reflecting a disorderly, often vagrant style. Much hippie clothing was self-made in defiance of corporate culture, and hippies often purchased their clothes from flea markets and second-hand shops. The bold colors, hand-made clothing and loose fitting clothes opposed the tight and uniform clothing of the s and s.

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It also rejected consumerism in that the hand-production of clothing called for self-efficiency and individuality. The common stereotype on the issues of love and sex had it that the hippies were " promiscuous , having wild sex orgies , seducing innocent teenagers and every manner of sexual perversion. The clinical study Human Sexual Response was published by Masters and Johnson in , and the topic suddenly became more commonplace in America. Then in appeared The Joy of Sex by Alex Comfort , reflecting an even more candid perception of love-making.

By this time, the recreational or 'fun' aspects of sexual behavior were being discussed more openly than ever before, and this more 'enlightened' outlook resulted not just from the publication of such new books as these, but from a more pervasive sexual revolution that had already been well underway for some time.

The hippies inherited various countercultural views and practices regarding sex and love from the Beat Generation ; "their writings influenced the hippies to open up when it came to sex, and to experiment without guilt or jealousy.

This encouraged spontaneous sexual activity and experimentation. Group sex , public sex , homosexuality under the influence of drugs, all the taboos went out the window. This doesn't mean that straight sex or monogamy were unknown, quite the contrary. Nevertheless, the open relationship became an accepted part of the hippy lifestyle. This meant that you might have a primary relationship with one person, but if another attracted you, you could explore that relationship without rancor or jealousy.

Hippies embraced the old slogan of free love of the radical social reformers of other eras; it was accordingly observed that "Free love made the whole love, marriage, sex, baby package obsolete. Love was no longer limited to one person, you could love anyone you chose. In fact love was something you shared with everyone, not just your sex partners. Love exists to be shared freely.

We also discovered the more you share, the more you get! So why reserve your love for a select few? This profound truth was one of the great hippie revelations. Hippies tended to travel light, and could pick up and go wherever the action was at any time. Whether at a "love-in" on Mount Tamalpais near San Francisco, a demonstration against the Vietnam War in Berkeley, or one of Ken Kesey 's "Acid Tests", if the "vibe" wasn't right and a change of scene was desired, hippies were mobile at a moment's notice.

Planning was eschewed, as hippies were happy to put a few clothes in a backpack, stick out their thumbs and hitchhike anywhere. Hippies seldom worried whether they had money, hotel reservations or any of the other standard accoutrements of travel. Hippie households welcomed overnight guests on an impromptu basis, and the reciprocal nature of the lifestyle permitted greater freedom of movement.

People generally cooperated to meet each other's needs in ways that became less common after the early s. A derivative of this free-flow style of travel were the hippie trucks and buses, hand-crafted mobile houses built on a truck or bus chassis to facilitate a nomadic lifestyle, as documented in the book Roll Your Own. During the summer and fall months, entire families traveled together in their trucks and buses, parked at Renaissance Pleasure Faire sites in Southern and Northern California, worked their crafts during the week, and donned Elizabethan costume for weekend performances, and attended booths where handmade goods were sold to the public.

The sheer number of young people living at the time made for unprecedented travel opportunities to special happenings. The peak experience of this type was the Woodstock Festival near Bethel , New York, from August 15 to 18, , which drew between , and , people. One travel experience, undertaken by hundreds of thousands of hippies between and , was the Hippie trail overland route to India. Carrying little or no luggage, and with small amounts of cash, almost all followed the same route, hitch-hiking across Europe to Athens and on to Istanbul , then by train through central Turkey via Erzurum , continuing by bus into Iran, via Tabriz and Tehran to Mashhad , across the Afghan border into Herat , through southern Afghanistan via Kandahar to Kabul , over the Khyber Pass into Pakistan, via Rawalpindi and Lahore to the Indian frontier.

Once in India, hippies went to many different destinations, but gathered in large numbers on the beaches of Goa and Kovalam in Trivandrum Kerala , [] or crossed the border into Nepal to spend months in Kathmandu. In Kathmandu, most of the hippies hung out in the tranquil surroundings of a place called Freak Street, [] Nepal Bhasa: Jhoo Chhen which still exists near Kathmandu Durbar Square. Many hippies rejected mainstream organized religion in favor of a more personal spiritual experience.

Buddhism, Hinduism, Sufism often resonated with hippies, as they were seen as less rule-bound, and less likely to be associated with existing baggage. Others were involved with the occult, with people like Timothy Leary citing Aleister Crowley as influences. By the s, western interest in Hindu spirituality and yoga reached its peak, giving rise to a great number of Neo-Hindu schools specifically advocated to a western public.

In his book, "Hippies and American Values", Timothy Miller described the hippie ethos as essentially a "religious movement" whose goal was to transcend the limitations of mainstream religious institutions. Beginning in , Gaskin's "Monday Night Class" eventually outgrew the lecture hall, and attracted 1, hippie followers in an open discussion of spiritual values, drawing from Christian, Buddhist, and Hindu teachings.

In Gaskin founded a Tennessee community called The Farm , and he still lists his religion as "Hippie. Timothy Leary was an American psychologist and writer, known for his advocacy of psychedelic drugs. On September 19, , Leary founded the League for Spiritual Discovery , a religion declaring LSD as its holy sacrament, in part as an unsuccessful attempt to maintain legal status for the use of LSD and other psychedelics for the religion's adherents based on a "freedom of religion" argument. The Beatles included him as one of the many figures on the cover sleeve of their album Sgt.

Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band while Jimmy Page , the guitarist of The Yardbirds and co-founder of s rock band Led Zeppelin was fascinated by Crowley, and owned some of his clothing, manuscripts and ritual objects, and during the s bought Boleskine House , which also appears in the band's movie The Song Remains the Same. On the back cover of the Doors compilation album 13 , Jim Morrison and the other members of the Doors are shown posing with a bust of Aleister Crowley. Timothy Leary also openly acknowledged Crowley's inspiration. After the hippie era, the Dudeist philosophy and lifestyle developed.

Inspired by "The Dude", the neo-hippie protagonist of the Coen Brothers ' film The Big Lebowski , Dudeism's stated primary objective is to promote a modern form of Chinese Taoism , outlined in Tao Te Ching by Laozi 6th century BC , blended with concepts by the Ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus BC , and presented in a style as personified by the character of Jeffrey "The Dude" Lebowski, a fictional hippie character portrayed by Jeff Bridges in the film.

In Defense of Hippies by Danny Goldberg []. For the historian of the anarchist movement Ronald Creagh, the hippie movement could be considered as the last spectacular resurgence of utopian socialism. Hippies were often pacifists , and participated in non-violent political demonstrations, such as Civil Rights Movement , the marches on Washington D. Regarding the political activity of hippies, Rubin said, "They mostly prefer to be stoned, but most of them want peace, and they want an end to this stuff.

In addition to non-violent political demonstrations, hippie opposition to the Vietnam War included organizing political action groups to oppose the war, refusal to serve in the military and conducting " teach-ins " on college campuses that covered Vietnamese history and the larger political context of the war. McKenzie has dedicated every American performance of "San Francisco" to Vietnam veterans, and he sang in at the 20th anniversary of the dedication of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial.

Godwin read it, and later wrote that "If ever there was a book calculated to make a man in love with its author, this appears to me to be the book. When Godwin and Wollstonecraft were reintroduced in , their respect for each other soon grew into friendship, sexual attraction, and love.

Chasing Happiness - Pregnant Punk at 14, Enlightened at 40 - Belinda M. Clarke - Google Книги

Their marriage revealed the fact that Wollstonecraft had never been married to Imlay, and as a result she and Godwin lost many friends. Godwin received further criticism because he had advocated the abolition of marriage in Political Justice. By all accounts, it had been a happy and stable, though brief, relationship. Simultaneously, he became responsible for the care of these two young girls, the newborn Mary and toddler Fanny. When Mary was three, Godwin left his daughters in the care of James Marshall while he travelled to Ireland. Godwin's tone in his letters demonstrates how much he cared about them.

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His letters show the stress he placed on giving his two daughters a sense of security. I hope they have not forgot me. I think of them every day, and should be glad, if the wind was more favourable, to blow them a kiss a-piece from Dublin to the Polygon.. In Godwin married his neighbour Mary Jane Clairmont. Brailsford wrote in , "She was a vulgar and worldly woman, thoroughly feminine, and rather inclined to boast of her total ignorance of philosophy.

Mary writes, "As to Mrs Godwin, something very analogous to disgust arises whenever I mention her", [9]: In the Godwins set up a shop and publishing house called the Juvenile Library, significant in the history of children's literature. Through this, Godwin wrote children's primers on Biblical and classical history, and using the pseudonym Edward Baldwin , he wrote a variety of books for children, including a version of Jack and the Beanstalk , [17] and a biography of the Irish artist William Mulready , [18] who illustrated works for them. They kept alive family ties, publishing the first book by Margaret King then Lady Mount Cashell , who had been a favoured pupil of Mary Wollstonecraft.

The Juvenile Library also translated European authors. Godwin was responsible for a family of five children, none of whom had the same two parents. Although he raised them with his second wife, the ghost of Mary Wollstonecraft hovered over the family, as evidenced by the John Opie portrait to which Godwin gave pride of place in his study.

The eldest was Fanny Imlay — , who committed suicide as a young woman. Charles Gaulis Clairmont [23] [24] ended up as Chair of English literature at Vienna University [25] and taught sons of the royal family; news of his sudden death in distressed Maximilian. Half a year younger than her was Claire Clairmont , Mary Jane's only daughter, to whom she showed favouritism. The youngest, and the only child of the second marriage, was William Godwin the Younger — Godwin sent him first to Charterhouse School and then to various other establishments of a practical bent.

Nonetheless, he eventually earned his living by the pen. He died at 29, leaving the manuscript of a novel, which Godwin saw into print. All of Godwin's children who lived into adulthood worked as writers or educators, carrying on his legacy and that of his wives. Only two of them had children who in turn survived: Percy Florence Shelley , and the son and daughter of Charles. Godwin did not welcome the birth of Allegra Byron , but Claire's only child died aged five. Godwin had high hopes for Mary, giving her a more rigorous intellectual experience than most women of her period, and describing her as "very intelligent.

However, Godwin withdrew his support as Mary became a woman and pursued her relationship with Percy Shelley. Both explore the role of the father in the child's socialisation and the control the father has on the child's future. They were written at a time when Shelley was raising her only surviving child alone and supporting her ageing father. In both novels, the daughter eludes the father's control by giving him the traditional maternal figure he asks for. This relationship gives the daughter control of the father. Godwin was awarded a sinecure position as Office Keeper and Yeoman Usher of the Receipt of the Exchequer, [30] which came with grace and favour accommodation within the Palace of Westminster.

In later years, Godwin came to expect maternal support and consolation from his daughter. Two of the five children he had raised had pre-deceased him, and two more lived abroad. Mary responded to his expectations and she cared for him until he died in He was buried next to Mary Wollstonecraft in the churchyard of St Pancras, where they had married.

His second wife outlived him, and eventually was buried there too. The three share a gravestone. In the s, Wollstonecraft and Godwin's remains were moved to Bournemouth, to the family tomb of the Shelleys. In , while the French Revolution was in full swing, Godwin published his great work on political science , Enquiry concerning Political Justice, and its Influence on General Virtue and Happiness. The first part of this book was largely a recap of Edmund Burke 's A Vindication of Natural Society — an anarchist critique of the state. Godwin acknowledged the influence of Burke for this portion.

The rest of the book is Godwin's positive vision of how an anarchist or minarchist society might work. Political Justice was extremely influential in its time: Godwin's work was seen by many as illuminating a middle way between the fiery extremes of Burke and Paine. However, as was the practice at the time, numerous " corresponding societies " took up Political Justice , either sharing it or having it read to the illiterate members.

Eventually, it sold over copies and brought literary fame to Godwin. Godwin augmented the influence of Political Justice with the publication of a novel that proved equally popular, Things as They Are; or, The Adventures of Caleb Williams. This tells the story of a servant who finds out a dark secret about Falkland, his aristocratic master, and is forced to flee because of his knowledge. Caleb Williams is essentially the first thriller: Not the least of its merits is a portrait of the justice system of England and Wales at the time and a prescient picture of domestic espionage.

His literary method, as he described it in the introduction to the novel, also proved influential: Godwin began with the conclusion of Caleb being chased through Britain, and developed the plot backwards. Dickens and Poe both commented on Godwin's ingenuity in doing this. In response to a treason trial of some of his fellow British Jacobins , among them Thomas Holcroft , Godwin wrote Cursory Strictures on the Charge Delivered by Lord Chief Justice Eyre to the Grand Jury, 2 October in which he forcefully argued that the prosecution's concept of "constructive treason" allowed a judge to construe any behaviour as treasonous.

It paved the way for a major, but mostly moral, victory for the Jacobins, as they were acquitted. However, Godwin's own reputation was eventually besmirched after by the conservative press, in part because he chose to write a candid biography of his late wife, Mary Wollstonecraft , entitled Memoirs of the Author of A Vindication of the Rights of Woman , including accounts of her two suicide attempts and her affair before her relationship with Godwin with the American adventurer Gilbert Imlay , which resulted in the birth of Fanny Imlay.

Godwin, consistent in his theory and stubborn in his practice, practically lived in secret for 30 years because of his reputation. By the words "political justice" the author meant "the adoption of any principle of morality and truth into the practice of a community," and the work was therefore an inquiry into the principles of society, government, and morals. For many years Godwin had been "satisfied that monarchy was a species of government unavoidably corrupt," and from desiring a government of the simplest construction, he gradually came to consider that "government by its very nature counteracts the improvement of original mind," demonstrating anti-statist beliefs that would later be considered anarchist.

Believing in the perfectibility of the race, that there are no innate principles, and therefore no original propensity to evil, he considered that "our virtues and our vices may be traced to the incidents which make the history of our lives, and if these incidents could be divested of every improper tendency, vice would be extirpated from the world. Such optimism was combined with a strong empiricism to support Godwin's belief that the evil actions of men are solely reliant on the corrupting influence of social conditions, and that changing these conditions could remove the evil in man.

This is similar to the ideas of his wife, Mary Wollstonecraft , concerning the shortcomings of women as due to discouragement during their upbringing. Peter Kropotkin remarked of Godwin that when " speaking of property , he stated that the rights of every one 'to every substance capable of contributing to the benefit of a human being' must be regulated by justice alone: His conclusion was communism.

Populations in his view are therefore always doomed to grow until distress is felt, at least by the poorer segment of the society. Consequently, poverty was felt to be an inevitable phenomenon of society. This gets to the core of why we make the decisions we do when choosing someone. Man and woman must care for each others need, but the man needs to take care of the needs of the weaker vessel, speaking about strength.

If G-D said it, I will not argue You will forever remember this feeling and it will not end well. I know it's tough to break off a wedding but you will find more happiness later! Personally, I think it was a well written article. It really isn't right to go with someone just based on chemistry alone. You should go with your soul mate because G-d does in fact, join people together before they are born.

Another reason why this world suffers from acute deafness. I find 3 completely appalling. Isn't there some better explanation for a statment like that than "amazing things can happen"? Secondly, this doesnt seem to apply to "choosing the right person to marry" it applys to "why marriages fail. Men have a right to care about their needs as much as women do, and we shouldnt be any more responsible to cater to their desires than they are to cater to ours. In your article, you downplay the importance of chemistry, citing that character is more important. If you are not physically attracted to your partner, say good-bye to everything fun in life!

My marriage was a sham, I felt like a fraud, there was zero excitement, passion, nothing to look forward to. I felt dead inside! I married for the "right" reasons - my partner was financially stable, faithful, emotionally available, and pursued me heavily. I listened to this kind of advice and it was single handedly the worst piece of advice I ever got. Live an authentic life - love who you love.

Chemistry is so precious and magical and it is NOT intellectual or emotionally rational. I wish it was! I am not advocating staying in any sort of abusive relationship here. If you are attracted to someone abusive who is dangerously "wrong", get out of the relationship and seek help! I'd rather never be married if that is what marriage is bc it was horrible! I'd rather have have the sparks I had when I was a teenager than waste my life away feeling nothing with someone. I thought I finally found my soul mate! Only because I feel so connected with him when we make love.

The rest of our relationship? Let me just say after reading this article, 8 out 10 questions, my answers had been NO! Yet, I'm still in denial and I am what this article views a person to be - I'm about to pick the wrong person because I simply forgot how to be happy with ME, alone I have been married ten years and apart from my gorgeous daughter, I feel that the whole thing has been a complete and total waste of my time.

Worst of all I ahve not wanted to admit my failure and just continued because i did not want to be seen to be alone. But this way is worse. I married the person designed to make me feel worse than ever just because i was drawn to the glamour and the fun. I'm 25 and my boyfriend is 30 and says that I need to push him more. I support, encourage, listen, communicate, submit. But I'm still not pushing? This list reflects what I already learned starting about years ago. It's refreshing to see it written down. My only exception is that I do feel there needs to be physical compatibility prior to long term commitment.

My issue has always been that I don't fit in anywhere as I'm a very alternative person. Not goth or punk or any of those things - although I love to have fun. I don't fit in with the spiritual conscious community, nor with the mainstream arena. I also understand that everyone has their own set of moral code. While I'm proud of being my unusual self, being alienated not having found the right "fit" not just in a partner, does put stress on me, as I remain celibate.

LOL, kind of got off topic. This was one of the greatest marriage-based articles I have ever read. Being 25, and ready to settle down can have its disadvantages, like looking for the right women and at the same time have sexual needs. The lines can get blury very fast. But this article helped me to slow down and really take advantage of being single. Im a sucess in my eyes, and I dont want nobody who I cant love or who will bring me down.

This was a very great article. What if you can say you are compatible to most of the above but no to one or two I agree completely with almost everything on this list. I've been told by several people more observant than I that physical intimacy will "work" after you're married, even if you and your spouse had not been intimate before marriage. There's no need for a test drive. But I believe that, for some couples, a mismatch in their needs for physical intimacy can be something that creates a great deal of tension in their relationship.

Would you want to admit if it was? Every single word in this amazing , informative and extremely professional article is TRUE! OMG, I recently broke up with a guy whom it was very difficult for me to let go of.. I still feel I miss him BUt there were way too many real concerns, which I admittedly was in denial of due to my attachment to him Love?

Thank yu for yur precise words! I have recently started a new relationship and currently am very happy. Of course there are things about my partner that are very unlike me. He is not as driven, he won't see through problems that plague him I'm hoping my attitude can rub off on him without the incentive of manipulation.

But I am confident that reading this article from time to time will help guide me away from the mistakes so many couples make today. Thankyou for this very inciteful piece of advice, it may be my saving grace! Thank you for this article I actually recently broke up with someone for several of the reasons mentioned above. Mainly he wanted to change me claiming it to be for my own good, but after a while all I felt is awful about myself and kept hearing myself justify myself what I do and dont do and who I am and who I am not.

I really felt down all the time feeling trapped and not worthy enough.. Thanks a lot for the article, I have learned important stuff here, I have some concern about the triangle factor though, is it really possible to become emotionally independent from the things mentioned here, or we will need to live with them? I think balancing the positive things and eliminating the negative factors is the best way to go. I married the wrong person this man has an alcohol issue and is also co-dependent on his mother for everything.

It makes me sick!! I have three kids but only one is his I feel trapped and want to leave but I don't know what to do! Just wanted to say that your advice is so valuable. I am a 45 year old divorced mother of a 5 year old. I just got back to the dating world after a 5 year break. Your advice is so grounded and sensible. I will use it as my guide. Listening is your own act of paying attention to the sounds and processing them. In a relationship, listening is "really hearing" the other person and processing the words mentally and emotionally. We hear horns in traffic.

We listen when its the horn of a truck about to hit us! I love my bf I belive my mind is clouded when i speak to my logical side. Each of these questions just get me back into the right mind and know that he isn't right one, and Idk if he's going to change The relationship I get nothing back. I will always be there for him, but these questions tell me you are just good friends and you have chemistry Thank you this is very very good advice. I married the wrong person nearly five years ago for the above reasons, plus one more-desparation. He is emotionally stunted and autistic. I was 27 at the time and in the frum community, I was considered old.

I thought I could change him. Boy, was I wrong. I would have left if I hadn't become pregnant with my son. Five years and two kids later, I'm trapped. Thank you for such a great article - practical, to the point and extremely helpful. I am glad I read it and I will make sure to send it to all my friends! Diane, I should have read this wise article long time ago! Any ways, it is very educative, extraordinarily written, entertaining, fun and may be painful too! As a was reading this enligthning article I was thinking more and more about Mia and me. We are dating and planning on wedding in the future.

She has just left a stormy relationship and ours just jumped on stage few moths before it was over. I have come from a turbulent relationship that never comsumed in marriage, yet leaving the same pain when done like hers. We both are working on many issues to fix the road before shipping a marriage experience. This article has been a blessing for me. What about cases where the tables are turned on number 2 from the list? Then you find chemistry with someone else who also has great character? You choose the wrong person because you succumb to society rules, of who is right for you.

Even though you have more in common with the man who is ten years younger than ten years older. You marry the wrong man because your biological clock is ticking. So you marry the wrong man, have a child, and get a divorce and live your life as a single parent. Marry the person who is right for you. Pray, Pray, Pray than make a well informed decision based on facts. Not some community guidelines that will make you miserable, while making them happy.

You are the one who will have to live with the person that you marry. Make sure you agree that both of you flunked mind-reading. Even if you sometimes finish each others' sentences, this will help a lot in a marriage. Every now and then each of you can remind the other that you yourself flunked mind-reading, and it will open a window so that you can remind the other person that they flunked mind-reading school as well. The only thing is try to make sure you don't say this with bitterness or anger or an accusatory tone in your voice because it will not have the same effect, and also will ruin any other time that you might need to use it.

We use it only when we absolutely have to, and then we make sure we are looking into each other's eyes in order to make sure we get the message through. It has been interesting. Because we do not use it all the time even when we are angry, it has been a very good thing for us. Now when we remind each other we stop what we are saying and take the fact that we both flunked mind-reading seriously into the conversation we are having. Most times, it either diffuses the argument, or puts the argument in another light, and occasionally we have to re-route our discussion and then we will usually be more successful and come out with an agreeable solution in the end.

We tend to listen more to each other, and think more about whether the particular issue is really worth an argument or not. We feel that G-d gave us this wisdom for a more successful marriage. I hope this is able to help someone else as well. May your marriages be blessed by love, patience, joy and support from each other. Remember, hearing and listening are two very different things and you need both in a marriage.

• William Godwin.
• Peregrinação de Enmanuel Jhesus (Portuguese Edition)?
• Ten Ways to Marry the Wrong Person.
• Top Authors!
• The Shepherd’s Heart.

You pick the wrong person because you want to get married to satisfy your parents, or community expectations. Because your parents like him or her. Because he makes a lot of money. Because you're getting older and you want to get married. You're not ready to make the compromises needed to stay married. You get married quickly because you believe your community wants women to get married.

You marry way too quickly and soon find out that the person you married is a liar and said many things just to make you fall in love with them. Sure, they might be perfect on the inside, but they have no goals, no self discipline and no ambition other than to have their partner support them.

The comment posted in Sept. You cannot see attitude, but you can see behavior. Most likely the behavior will mirror the attitude someone has, but not always. So in a marriage words and actions are important, and healthy persons usually have their words and actions coincide. We can often have high expectations and asperation of what we want and expect from others in a relationship,friend or family. We have such short lives so why not be patient, understanding, honest within our relationships even when they seam hopless..

But remember they were all once large rocks from all over the world, different shapes, colours and textures. They have all been rounded buy the waves beating on them as life rounds our corners off in our troubled lives. Each knock in life making us a better and well rounded person suitable for a purpose one day; a purpose of being together with others in families and relationships; like a beautiful beach.

How wonderful that you have this time together all thing considering…. Not only does this article play into mindless American ideals of convenience and compatibility, it says absolutely nothing about ATTITUDE in a marriage -- the key to its success. There is no perfect person, no perfect partner, and no perfect marriage. There are only committed partners who, helped by a heavy dose of compromise and a generous eye, work through the inevitable bumps in the road and keep the union and the family strong.

And I hope it will help alot in our lives. All suggestions above is very helpful especially when comes to making a decision of choosing a lifeparter.. Women can neglect the emotional needs of their husbands as well. One common example of this is a woman who is married to her career at the cost of connection with her husband.

Joan Howard , January 24, 6: I can't imagine that a woman would neglect her husbands emotional needs for a career. Especially not if he is working. I'm referring to Steve's comment on August 13, Very fundamental for a good marriage relationship. This advice needs to be more accessible to the public in general. Thank you for laying it out like it is. This is great practical advice that all men and women should ask of themselves and their partner regardless of age, race, or religion. I really need this. I saved it to my desk top to keep re-reading and re-reading and again nre-reading.

Shannon, from Nashville, TN. I agree with all the points. Even though there are no hard and fast rules about these issues, these points are however important basic guides to anyone who desires to enjoy a long and fulfiling marriage. Thanks alot and please keep up the good work. Answers for all ten questions fit me so well.. I just hope i stay strong and let go off it. I needed the reasurrance your article offered and I thank you Now it is the daunting task of letting go and giving myself time to heal. Withdrawl can be very hard!!!

As for the above comment "I cant get out now!

Pregnant Punk at 14, Enlightened at 40

It could have all been avoided if I would have just bucked up and got out!!! Does God involved when we're choosing our partner? My boyfriend and I seem to get along very well, but occasionally I have these moments of doubt. He is devoted to his running and work - which is great for now but if we ever get married and have a family I want to be sure that he will support me and not leave completely everything to me in order to pursue his career and athletic ambitions.

I've tried to look at the little things he always cleans the dishes after I make dinner to see an indicator, but he leave a lot to me so much so that I often feel like I'm the one chasing him instead of the other way around. I told me all this and he made me feel that he really wants to stay together. He is very special and being with him means a lot to me, but sometimes I feel this rift between us and then I start to feel very insecure.

I wish I'd checked with God before. I haven't even married him yet but I can't get out now. I wish I'd read this sooner. I wish I'd checked with God first. But I can't get out now. We're not even married yet but I can't get out now. From a Catholic who found this through Google - this is one of the best pieces I've found on making sure if he's Mr. Great advice for people of all faiths. It took work to put this out; thanks. It's a good work, effectual and appreciated.

The good rabbi forgot that woman was created as "Ezer Kenekdo", i. If we waited till we found the "right person who meets all of Rabbi Dov's prererequisits, very few of us would ever get married. In addition while it might look initially that we might have found the "right" person, the part in each of us that needs "tikkun"-,and that is true of all of us, usually emerges after kids, financial concerns, acceptances of the other's family sets in. It is only when we set out consciously to learn the "Rituals of Connection", that we start on the road towards "Relational Maturity".

Sorry Kira, I don't buy it. Akiva changed drastically, from being an ignoramus and someone who hated the Sages, to becoming a great Sage himself.

Rochel saw his potential, yes. But then, so do all the women who marry men and hope to change them or that they will change. Would Akiva and Rochel have had shalom bayit if Akiva didn't feel up to the challenge, if he tried learning alef-beis but gave up? Would Rochel have accepted him for the modest man he was and live happily ever after? Yehudis - it's not that Akiva changed, it's that Rochel recognized him for what he really was.

If only I had this info in my youth! I see that I've done all right things to marry the wrong person. This past week I went on date number 3 with someone I find to be dull and with whom I share nothing in common with. Many of my friends declared me picky and told me that I should give him some time and "educate" him. Basically the message was to try and change him It boggles my mind as to why anyone would waste their time trying to change someone instead fo spending that time trying to find someone who you are compatible with!!!!!!

From an ignorant shepherd who didn't know the alef-beis at 40, to one of our greatest Sages. I really agree with your comments and i will send this to myh boyfriend as i think they i useful!!!! I am happy i found this site as i chose it searching something else and i saw dating and i pressed it and found the excellent advice!!! Thank you very much for opening this site!!!

As A Social Worker I have saeen many relationships splutter out just because no one was given this very good, very basic advice. It should be a mandatory reading prior to anyone aommitting to marriage. This is a good article but I don't necessarily agree with all the points - they do not mean that you have married, or are going to marry, the wrong person. Marriage is about growth and a person can change after marriage if they have the desire to do so and are willing to work hard at it. Any man willing to understand what a woman wants, can do so if he truly wants to make her happy.

She needs to clearly explain her needs, not whinge and whine that he doesn't fulfill them. If he doesn't know what they are, he can't do anything about them. My husband will never separate from his mother for many many reasons. This has caused untold problems in our marriage, but it does not mean that I married the wrong person. I have had to accomodate do not read "submit" over the years and this has actually led to greater growth on my part and a more peaceful marriage.

I was living on a kibbutz, happy, healthy, loving my independence. The day after our honeymoon, he turns to me and says,"I hope that marriage will cure your wanderlust. Yes, now, at the age of 55, I am ever so wiser in hindsight. This was brilliant and well-said, especially The vast majority of women I know with seemingly hopeless marriages married a men involved in a "triangle".

It's also important to be aware that even if one spouse weans the other from one kind of triangle, unless the other spouse gets his act together, he will simply click into another kind of triangle. Lots of women I know whose husbands are overattached to their mothers end up distancing from their mothers and overattaching to the Internet or to work, as the article's author says. Same goes for triangulated wives. By the way, people can triangulate onto activities that are mitzvahs.

I see kiruv activists or teachers who other community service activists whose spouses feel like widows. When a mitzvah is done in such a way, it's already not a mitzvah. Getting married is always marrying the wrong person.. People only want to get married if they want something. So those lifestyle issues is a definite deal breaker than any other issue!

Physical issues can blind one to the truth! Then what do you do? Do you perservere hoping to make things better or do you cut your losses because there is no hope? You know, "sharing one cup of tea" is already complicated enough. Have really our ancestors needed to think so much about love as if it would be a bussiness? In my opinion the problems' roots are elsewhere. Ppl are more exacting in their imaginations about marriage and let down then Thank you Rabbi Heller. This article was very intresting indeed. Very concise and gave me a good chance for more optimistic outlook for helping my daughters on finding their soul mates.

Shalom Rabbi Heller Dov, Thank you for an article on very needed subject. Hope you dont mind but I just forwarde it arround the globe Toda. It's important to love smart as opposed to loving blind. When a relationship is mutual, it is fairly certain to work out. Jews marry other Jews they get to know, and non-Jews marry other non-Jews they get to know - all after a reasonable amount of time before the decision is made to walk down the altar and break the kiddish glass. I know for sure that my relation is heading in the right direction.

We score good points on every way described in this article. And I know what went wrong in my previous marriage. We hadn't the same goal in life and the same interests. Everybody should read this exceptional and very practical guide of how to consider selecting a life-partner before getting married. It would have certainly helped me to avoid big-time mistakes in the past, but it will definitely help me to avoid making one more in the future. Distance relationships,does it really work? She is studying at the college and i am working and also studying part time.

Sometimes i feel that i don't have time for her but i do care and love her. I still got 4 years to complete my studies. This article was amazing. Very concise and gave me a more optimistic outlook on finding a soul mate. Just what I needed to see. It feels good to have a realistic standard to go by. I have been married for nine years and the first five of those at least were quite difficult but we worked through our issues and are extremely happy.

I think it's a big mistake to tell people that they picked the wrong person. G-d picked that person for them. Until the wedding day someone can say they made a mistake but once it's happened one should recognize that G-d chose that person for them for a reason; maybe not for eternal bliss but perhaps just to learn to work on themselves.

An example of this is my now divorced brother who's wife pushed all of his buttons the worst ones that is and yet myself and my three sisters recognized how perfectly matched they were and were completely aware of how these were the very issues that he always had difficulty dealing with and G-d obviously wanted him to work on himself in these areas. Had they stayed married and worked on these issues I'm sure he'd be very happy today. I've wasted so much time trying to convince myself the marriage would work despite its inherent flaws which doomed it to failure from the outset.

Thanks for posting this gem! Another very clear and well thought out description of important relationship issues. Since I have been dating seriously looking for a husband I have always considered these 10 insights when I am in relationships, In particular although I really am very keen to get married soon and start a family I don't let myself behave desparetely and agree to marry someone who I feel is wrong for me when they want me to and I have had this happen a few times.

However when I end a relationship because I feel one of the above insights is wrong in the relationship I get accused by some people of being too picky and told I can't expect somebody to be perfect. Can every happily married person honestly say that they didn't compromise on any of these insights when they got married? Am I setting myself unrealistic expectations? These are some of the wisest words I've read on this subject; they are to the point. I already made these mistakes, and have done so again. I find these words too late; I honestly wish more find them sooner.

Since i know all these rules so well: I have given up two guys that i 'd been loved. That's why i am still single.

Observing a guy for at least 3 to 5 years before you marry! Sometimes i am challenged to explain why i divorced rather than "work it out". In short, had I not divorced, I would have stood no chance of raising my children. Their father's immaturity undermined my efforts to help them grow up into mentschen; he would "bail them out" of even tiny disappointments.

But even this is a cop-out; I need to face the fact I also divorced for my own sake, to reclaim self-respect. Thanks again for speaking truth - especially in such easy-to remember terms. This is one of the best articles I read. I believe that this particular issue can be confusing and troubling, which makes guidance necessary. No therapist I have spoken to before was able to give me sound advice like this.

All they were able to tell me was that being married isn't necessary because women's lib "changed all of that. Since when is a holy institution a skill, like bicycling? Anyway, I want to thank you for the words of wisdom and guidance. In this very fast paced, often superficial, two dimensional world we live in, it was with great relief that I came upon these suggestions for 'fleshing out the bones' in choosing a mate. This is an important life skill, which, I believe, should be taught in a high school curriculum. I loved or was it just chemistry!!

This is the best piece of marriage advice I have come across. I wish I had read this piece before I got emotionally involved with her and would have saved me a lot of heartache. I left her because of the fact that I could not imagine my kids being like her. I think this is the most fantastic website I have stumbled across in ages.

I've read many of your articles and they offer brilliant advice. I've realized that many people who till now have an unhappy marriage and read this article end up even more devastated. Nobody is absolutely perfect for you before marriage. Marriage is a time to polish your character through your spouses opposite behavior. It is said that the reason for giving a diamond ring is to teach what can be learned from a diamond: Only one diamond can polish another diamond. And, how is it done? Only through friction of one diamond to the other does the diamond reach perfection.

You can only be elavated through obstacles. Perhaps there is a very good story in the book: He slept late, didn't work nor learn. He just had a "5 star hotel" She divorced and was shocked to meet his 2nd wife all happy. In his new marriage his wife respected him and saw only the good in him showering him with compliments as opposed to the 1st one who always criticized. He ended up finding a stable job, a chavrusah every night, focusing on spirituality and best of all the most happy couple. Most people's bad behavior is not intentionally but stem from a problem.

Written with self experience. Anonymous , August 17, 1: If it's wrong, it's wrong. The second wife was the right one for him. She was either able to change him or he finally grew up. I lost respect for my husband long ago-he does the exact same things this man did. He will never change. U r so right!