Married to a Trial Liar

This strategy of repetition usually doesn't work because most of the time couple conflicts are not based on misunderstandings, but rather on real differences in values. When this is the case, stating and restating one's position is based on a mistaken premise and can only cause further upset. In the second stage of the breakdown process, one or both spouses starts to feel contempt for the other, and each spouse's attitudes about their partner change for the worse.

For example, initially each spouse may have mostly positive regard for their partner and be willing to write off any 'bad' or 'stupid' behavior their partner acts out as a transient, uncommon stress-related event. However, as 'bad' or 'stupid' behavior is observed again and again, spouses get frustrated, start to regard their partner as actually being a 'bad' or 'stupid' person, and begin to treat their partner accordingly.

Importantly, the 'bad' behavior that the spouse demonstrates doesn't have to be something he or she actually does. Instead, it could be something that he or she doesn't do, that the spouse expects them to do such as rembering to put the toilet seat down after use.

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Conflict by itself doesn't predict marriage problems. Some couples fight a lot but somehow never manage to lose respect for each other. Once contempt sets in, however, the marriage is on shaky ground. Feelings of contempt for one's spouse are a powerful predictor of relationship breakdown, no matter how subtlety they are displayed. Contempt doesn't have to be expressed openly for it to be hard at work rotting the foundations of one's relationship. Most people find conflict and contempt to be stressful and react to such conditions by entering the third stage of breakdown, characterized by partner's increasingly defensive behavior.

Men in particular but women too become hardened by the chronicity of the ongoing conflict, and may react even more acutely during moments when conflict is most heated by becoming overwhelmed and "flooded"; a condition which is psychologically and emotionally quite painful.

Over time, partners learn to expect that they are 'gridlocked'; that they cannot resolve their differences, and that any attempts at resolution will result in further overwhelm, hurt or disappointment. Rather than face the pain and overwhelm they expect to experience, partners who have reached this third 'defensive' stage, may progress to the fourth and final stage of breakdown, characterized by a breakdown of basic trust between the partners, and increasing disengagement in the name of self-protection.

Like a steam-valve in a pressure cooker, the partners start avoiding one another so as to minimize their conflicts. Gottman calls this final stage, "Stonewalling", perhaps after the image of a partner hiding behind a stone wall designed to protect him or her from further assault. Unfortunately, there is no way to love your partner when you are hiding behind a wall to protect yourself from him or her.

Studies have shown that people lie frequently to those they care about most. And it's always a problem: So how can you tell if a partner's distortions are run-of-the-mill lies, or actually abusive?

But no matter the motive behind a lie, deceit is damaging to any relationship. The only way trust may be regained is if the offender understands the error of his ways, the vital need to be honest—and that you'd rather have the ugly truth than a pretty lie. To get our top stories delivered to your inbox, sign up for the Healthy Living newsletter.

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Ivankovich says any relationship can be marred by lies. Lying can also become a problem when partners adopt unspoken expectations of near-perfection, based on their significant other's needs or desires, I vankovich says.

And s ometimes the instinct to lie can be rooted in a person's childhood. She thinks her husband was in the habit of inflating his image, to build himself up. But [in the case of Delia and Marcus], it seems the need to please broke her trust, so they need to work on re-building that trust through safe, open and honest communication. Trust is the basis of a relationship; communication is the currency. How One Woman Handled the Deceit. By Jenna Birch September 22, Pin FB Print ellipsis More.