Look Back, But Dont Stare
There is a comfort in knowing that I am not alone in my quest.
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Look Back - Don't Stare
This is an expression I heard a long time ago and the older I get the more I understand it. Recently I had one of those days where my mind went on a trip down memory lane. I wish that I could say it was a pleasant trip. But then again too few to mention. Regrets, I think, are a way we say sorry to ourselves. It is hard though.
The affects of poor judgement and bad behavior can be irreversible. Life does go on. Life will be different but it does go on.
You are here
The people around us may never forget the harm we have done and may even remind us of just how far we fell. Regardless of our e-mail exchange which I am putting behind me, he knows that this is one of the rare occasions where Paris is the last place I want to be and that I will be thinking of them all day.
Back when all of the engagements were announced last autumn, Angelo and Josephine, Kitty and Joaos, Vinny and Carmella, me and MF, I could not have fast forwarded to today and predicted how different my life would be a year later. I thought I would still be nestled in our apartment in Oberkampf, spending weekends in the suburbs with his grandparents whom I still miss terribly, helping his family at their restaurant, bitching about him to his brother's Catalanian girlfriend over wine and cigarettes on cafe terraces in the Marais to my life now; temping in a finance office, living in a chambre de bonne , dating a great guy who doesn't provoke me like MF did, my main form of transportation is hanging off the back of a mint green Vespa, writing a blog about getting dumped and going back to school in the spring.
Hm, not a bad life makeover, my life seems to have more purpose now. Luckily, I have no one to apologize to on how boring I must have been last year because I don't speak to anyone from those days.
“It's okay to look back at the past. Just don't stare.” —Benjamin Dover | www.newyorkethnicfood.com
Or rather, they don't speak to me. So, I received an email asking if I had lost money due to the planning costs and deposits for the wedding and the answer to that is no, not one cent. We didn't want the big white wedding with flowers, dj's, reception halls, etc.
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We wanted a simple ceremony followed by a dinner in France and in New York with a skeletal guest list of very close friends and family. My dress was purchased for 60 dollars at a vintage store on Sunset Boulevard. A 's column lace dress with rhinestones on the bust and hem and empire waist detailed by a gold satin ribbon leading to a brooch closure in the back. It really is quite lovely. Who would have thought that the dress would be hanging sad, lonely and unworn in the closet at my mother's house?
I'm still wondering if I can wear in the future. I guess I'll cross that bridge when it comes.