Why Are We Still Together
It is something that was said during the wedding ceremony.
Words these two young people, about to begin a life together, said to each other, and they are playing on a loop in my head ever since. As they were about to marry, the reverend recalled a conversation he had with them on his first meeting. He had asked what were the qualities they liked in each other and what did they get from each other. Words such as kind, loyal, caring and honest were used as they described each others attributes.
As I listened my mind stilled, and those words echoed, over and over again. On occasions I have wondered about my own marriage.
My Marriage Almost Didn't Make It. So Why Are We Still Together?
What it is that keeps us together? Finally, this weekend I believe I have found the answer, for myself anyway. It hit me really hard. As you say, simplicity itself, and explains how we keep going despite lifes knocks. Glad you liked it. Congratulations to you and to your husband, for making each other better in so many ways. What a wonderful message!
Resonating words, this are, and true. Her voice would calm me and make the dark clouds disappear. I enjoyed just being around her even if I was reading a book and she was putzing around in the kitchen or on the computer. Lovely recollection and realization, Tric. We are lucky to be able to say this about our partners after being together so long.
Oh yes, I can relate. Our anniversary is coming up.. Always good to stop by. Sometimes I get a little reminder it has been too long when I see your gravatar photo. Hope all is good in your world. It is, thank you. Been trying to put together a little book of notes. I think of you often.. The frustrations of daily life manifest themselves into consuming our lives, disappointments arise, but he made me better and I wanted to be better for him…. Thanks for the great post! You know I still get the little heart skips sometimes when I hear his voice though.
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Remind Me Why We’re Still Together?
Living, Laughing, Loving, Loathing. It is something very different. I'd love if you shared. You are stirring Emily! That photo is getting more traffic than my blog!!
The Reason Why So Many Unhappy People Are Still Together
So simple, so lovely and just the best reason to be together x. When the children were at home, our conversations were centered on them, on work and ways of running a functional home. After our children left home, we began to experience some of the same challenges that our friends were struggling with. There was a gap that had developed and the question was how to close it. What is truly shocking, however, is that the divorce rate for people over 50 has doubled in the last two decades.
In order to avoid becoming part of this growing trend my husband and I had to take quick, definitive action. I always thought that I knew my husband like the palm of my hand and that nothing he could do or say would surprise me. But one day he surprised me in a way that I never thought was possible. Take a year off and do something that goes diametrically in the opposite direction of what our friends are doing? But how could we pull it off? While I had some flexibility, my husband had a demanding job as a senior executive at a big company.
They would never allow him to take that time off. How about leaving a high paying, stable job at a time when we have two kids in college and the economy is being dragged down by unprecedented unemployment? And right then it began to dawn on me. My husband was serious and this was decision time.
I trusted that after returning we could find a way to survive, but I would have to be willing to downsize and make sacrifices. We informed our family and friends. Our children were very encouraging, as were my parents. Some thought it was a marvelous idea; others thought that we were out of our minds. But for us, the train was leaving the station and we were determined to catch it. We decided to start our trip in Israel because spirituality had always been a contentious issue in our family. When we got married and had children, I was appalled at how easy it was for Jews to integrate and assimilate in American culture.
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I decided to send the children to a Jewish day school where they would learn Judaism from teachers who lived by and believed in what they were teaching. Eli went along with it for the sake of shalom bayit but did not embrace it with enthusiasm. In time our children and I became more observant, and as I unilaterally introduced more Judaism at home, spirituality became an issue in our relationship. Israel was the ideal place where we could confront head-on the core issues that had taken us in different directions. Eli attended the Essentials program at Aish haTorah , an introductory program for young men and a few older men from time to time.
The transformation in our marriage was immediate. New doors and horizons opened in front of us. It helped us gain a tremendous perspective and led us to question ourselves about our lives and goals as individuals and as a couple. We had so much to talk about. For Eli, something awoke deep within him. This was the first time that he had the opportunity and inclination to explore, question, challenge, understand and begin to forge a relationship with God. This was crucial for our relationship. Now instead of me pushing, we were able to grow together, side by side. It was his suggestion that we should start observing Shabbat.
What we learned in Israel had a significant impact on the way we relate to each other. For example, we found very interesting the concept that a spouse is like a mirror that exposes the weaknesses of the other in a way which leads to growth. Marriage is not supposed to be all fun and games, but an interdependent relationship that challenges each spouse to grow and strive to reach his or her potential. This concept has helped us to deal with our differences.
Now when we have a difference of opinion, instead of using it as an opportunity to create more distance we view it as an opportunity for growth. The level of consciousness and connectedness that we found in Jerusalem, we concluded, has no parallel in the world. Still, in each place we visited we had unforgettable experiences and learned so much. Among other things, we discovered that even though we were spending most of our time staying in tiny, one-room hotels or apartments, we were incredibly happy. We started with four large suitcases and gradually reduced down to two. We learned that in other countries people live and enjoy life with less stress and without as much pressure to work incessantly in order to acquire the latest material things.
We discovered that we can live with less, work in a more balanced way and invest our time in what is really important: Ours was a rare opportunity. It is not necessary to take a year off to have a successful and fulfilling marriage. All it takes is the willingness to make the relationship the number one priority. Take time to be with one another, invest in the relationship, be giving, be grateful, bring some fun and sense of humor to the relationship, treat each other with the utmost respect and learn Torah and grow Jewishly together. I looked for the program that this couple offers on the internet and could not find it anywhere.
It would be helpful if their website was added so that people wanting to access their services could reach them. This couple probably learned in one year what it took their entire lives to realize.
Living, Laughing, Loving, Loathing.
Beginning their journey in Israel was a wise way to start a new direction in life together. They will have the entire year to share with one another forever, I'm assuming they are about In one month of exploring Europe on my own at 50, I learned that life really isn't about how much stuff you have. It's the experiences and deeds and memories that a couple share. Surprisingly a month in Europe isn't that expensive. There is a phrase that I have hung over the door. Goldberg , October 16, 6: Thank you for such an inspiring article.
She will wrote well about what makes a marriage work. She described in a nutshell how to grow a relationship. That was the main point for me. They were open to acting to change together The travel was a big plus but not the main reason it worked. I am happy that the husband took the first step to deal with the situation. I just quit a job that would not allow me see my wife and faminly throughout the week, I have now learnt the next step from this couple. I will definitely follow this example though I dont think I have the resources to go for a year or over the world, I will see how far we can go within available resources,.
Those of you saying that this is unrealistic, I think you're missing the point Illiana was trying to make. The point is to connect with your spouse, in whatever way you can, so that when your children leave the nest, you still have a relationship that isn't dependent on them. Most of us wouldn't be able to take off for a year like Illiana and her husband did, but there are other ways of keeping a relationship alive. My husband and I have four kids, so you can imagine that money is short and with the oldest only being six, life is chaotic and it seems like we sometimes only see each other in passing.
But we make it a point to go to the theatre or the opera at least once a month and just spend the evening together. Go for a walk, read to each other, go for coffee - there are so many things you can do to keep the spark alive. Thanks for a great article, Illiana! Anonymous , October 15, 4: I hear what you are saying Neal. But, it still would be nice and more helpful to read a story which includes some tangible and realistic and low cost steps to reinvigorating the spark that is not completely out of the realm of possibility for most couples as the example in this story is.
I think it's frustrating to read this story and feel that this incredible experience might work to save your own marriage as well but that you lack the means to make it or even a three week trip an option. Rivka Deutsch , October 16, 8: Many couples, especially if they are raising a large family, do not have the option to quit their job. Her story is unique to her; it doesn't offer practical advice for the rest of us.
Sadly, some people do find that the intensity of their work and interests, and the degree to which they focus their lives around their children, leaves them little interested in each other when the nest not only is empty but the children are out of college and living their own lives.
But there also is a strong glue holding couples together: Not only have they had decades of each other's company -- which can, indeed, exhaust excitement -- but those decades have been ones of working toward common goals. That means shared experiences that are theirs alone, Who's going to want to look at photos of you and your former spouse at birthday parties and on trips? After 35 years, my wife and I might find excitement in new romantic interests, but our decades together have given us personal histories that include each other and give us understandings that are ours alone.
Each of us has become part of the other. As empty nesters, we've had new experiences that glued us even more tightly together -- which is what the couple in the piece above did, but on a more limited scale.