Letting Go

Nursing your grievances indefinitely is a bad habit, because as the title goes it hurts you more than it hurts them. People who hold on to these past hurts often relive the pain over and over in their minds. The only way you can accept new joy and happiness into your life is to make space for it. If your heart is filled full-up with pain and hurt, how can you be open to anything new? Making the conscious decision to let it go also means accepting you have a choice to let it go.

To stop reliving the past pain, to stop going over the details of the story in your head every time you think of the other person after you finish step 2 below. This is empowering to most people, knowing that it is their choice to either hold on to the pain, or to live a future life without it. Get it all out of your system at once. Doing so will also help you understand what — specifically — your hurt is about. While you may not have had the same amount of responsibility for the hurt you experienced, there may have been a small part of the hurt that you are also partially responsible for.

What could you have done differently next time? Are you an active participant in your own life, or simply a hopeless victim?

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Will you let your pain become your identity? Or are you someone deeper and more complex than that?? Yes, your feelings matter. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness, and not put such power into the hands of another person. Why would you let the person who hurt you — in the past — have such power, right here, right now?

No amount of rumination of analyses have ever fixed a relationship problem. So why choose to engage in so much thought and devote so much energy to a person who you feel has wronged you? Let go of the past, and stop reliving it. When you focus on the here and now, you have less time to think about the past.

When the past memories creep into your consciousness as they are bound to do from time to time , acknowledge them for a moment. And then bring yourself gently back into the present moment. You did something that hurt me. But I want to move forward in my life and welcome joy back into it. Forgiveness is a way of tangibly letting something go. And forgiving yourself may be an important part of this step as well, as sometimes we may end up blaming ourselves for the situation or hurt. It would be sacrilegious to let it go.

Every day you choose to hold on to the pain is another day everybody around you has to live with that decision. It requires grit in the face of seemingly unconquerable blocks of resistance. Allow yourself to collapse and rebirth a thousand times if you need to. Forward is forward, regardless of the pace. I used to think of myself as an especially forgiving person. I have changed since then.

Now, I realize this was simply a deeply-rooted boundary issue or lack thereof. I constantly revisited the past by re-opening toxic doors that were meant to stay shut. All this did was delay my own healing. Each time I opened a door, I would re-activate an unhealed childhood wound.

Tips for letting go

I would recycle previous experiences. I was deathly afraid of change. So I clung tightly to the past. Shallow waters are safe. I surrounded myself with people who would reaffirm my beliefs surrounding unworthiness. They would openly shout the things I would only tell myself in secret. They became so integrated into my identity and how I perceived the world around me, that I did not question the damage they did.

I was damaged but mostly afraid. I viewed the world through fear-filtered eyes. My self worth had been punctured after years and years of disconnection. I lived out of fear disguised as practicality. I lacked courage and was afraid of the unknown the murky space between the questions and the doubt.

Stoic, I reassure myself that if I am able to control my internal world, even slightly, then this will hopefully make up for the complete disarray within the external world. But control is an illusion. So often I refuse to allow myself the freedom to simply feel what is necessary. I am not the biggest fan of uninvited guests. I like to be prepared and ready. Retrieving locked boxes is incredibly difficult. So I have learnt to embrace and entertain them all. The shame, the sorrow, I treat them all equally as honorably.

Feel the emotion leave your body. I promise your spine will thank you. If you enjoyed this, then you may also enjoy these: Sign in Get started. Ten songs integral to my healing journey.

Out of chaos, brilliant stars are born.