Beyond Birthday Depression: Reclaiming Your Special Day

Excerpt from The No Contact Rule: Dealing with ‘occasions’ like birthdays post-breakup

I was meant to be writing a blog for the Books Trust, as their writer in residence, about novel writing but ran out of things to say and was starting to repeat myself. Everybody has a story about depression yet, for decades, we have been silent about it. Is writing a way out of depression? Writing is not the way but it helps. In February , I was in the depths of depression. I was 24 and back from Ibiza, living at home in Newark [Nottinghamshire], in my childhood bedroom.

I started writing bits and pieces — unreadable, angsty stuff. Articulating what is in your head is therapeutic. Words are a shared thing — depression lends itself to melodrama: At 31, Abraham Lincoln wrote: That is the drama of depression. How did you recover? I still get bouts of depression but I am a lot better than I was.

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Staying sane and well is a complicated, never-ending process. The critical thing was that I had people I could talk to around me. My solution was never medical. What ultimately helped me was time. Most people have depression with anxiety. They overlap in complicated ways. Mine trickled over into OCD and panic disorder. One of the main symptoms of anxiety is racing thoughts. Why were you living in Ibiza? I was a party person at university.

I went to Hull, then Leeds. I used to drink a lot. In one fell swoop, I gave up drinking and smoking. I became scared of anything that could alter my brain chemistry. Anyway, I met my partner, Andrea, early on and we went on holiday to Ibiza. I was selling tickets, doing a bit of PR. Ibiza contributed to depression in that I was run down: How worried were your parents when depression struck?

It happened suddenly so they had to be aware of that. I knew who I was. I could hold a conversation, there was nothing obviously wrong with me.

My mother had experienced postnatal depression but that made it harder for her because it brought it all back. Unlike with physical illnesses, there is always with depression, I believe wrongly, guilt and blame attached. I wanted the main person I betrayed to be myself. My mum has only just read the book…. How did she react? Long, emotional texts that said it was hard for her to read but she thought it was brilliant and that it made her understand depression better. Able, you may have one of those that like to break contact. My assclown has done that and the last time he showed up at my house.

I never answered any texts or emails, I blocked what I could and then he came to my door and I got the pleasure of yelling at him. It is unreal after all the BS they keep breaking NC. Take Peanuts advice and get a cheap journal and write it all out. Then look at it in 6 months and you will see that you are a different person. Good Luck, stay strong. You will be glad you did. Honestly, maintain NC, focus on you, read here and gradually things really do get better and better. I know your struggle. I have been NC for 2 months. I have done NC before, let him back in as a friend when I saw he was sad…needed to learn more lessons just heard today that a girl moved in with him.

I definitely see how bad ou relationship was for both of us. I still hold on to the failure and rejection. Am I doing this to make myself the victim? I own the fact that I was angry and had a lot of unresolved daddy issues, poor self esteem. I allowed him to take advantage of my time, my body. I am angry at myself that there is a small part of me that still would take him back.

Geez, was I out of my element. Oh geeze, I found my soul sister! All because of an assclown! I would do the same thing with the doodles especially when bored, I also doodled various vignettes with me and the assclown, with a cig hanging out of his mouth and a balloon over his head, going blah, blah, blah, with the incessant talking.

I did have a ex-girlfriend with whom our relationship was exactly like BR is describing and it hurt her. We cared for each other a lot and still do even though we no longer are romantically together. However, I met my second wife shortly after break up with the first and was in love with her for real. She was completely emotionally available and we built a true relationship. The ex-gf like the fantasy of love and I can see that I never took her seriously even though she is a wonderful person, but a bit naive in how she views relationships.

It hurt my ego a little but also I felt good that she is learning. She broke NC a few days ago texting about some self-help book she liked. I am in transition and BR made me think a lot. I was dating a wonderful woman for 5 month and felt like I am not developing felling for her. I talked to her and we decided to stay friends.

I am sure she was hurt, however this is the first time in my life I broke up with someone gracefully and let them go honestly. I felt she deserves much better. There is never a good way to break up with someone. I was there for her through tough times when her grandmother was dying and she told me she was thankful. Kind of wondering why you keep on saying that in your second marriage she was emotionally available…were you?

I too,have a good relationship with my ex husband for the reasons you describe. I wonder if you had given her same love and respect as your ex wives whether she might have been a different person altogether? I agree with you that sometimes the timing is all wrong which is why we need space and time to reflect before we jump into relationships.

We need to respect our feelings and the feelings of others. Do you mind me asking why your marriages broke down? They seem to have been good ones. If anyone ever asked me to be FWB I know my answer would be no. Although ,I probably was with the AC I was seeing. There is no easy way to end a relationship and if the person loves you it is going to hurt a lot. I would rather someone was honest like you though. Amazingly,we are still friends and because of his honesty I never formed a romantic attachment to him. Anyone out there with success? Needing to hold on to hope. Oh yeah- nat is a success story.

Anyone else got good results? If by success you mean not being attracted to the most vile men on the planet?

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Then yes; I am your lady. The times you feel the shittiest leave you with the most opportunity to grow. Until now For the most part. Abstain from what is obviously not good for you overall certain types of men, food, romance novels, etc. When you are feeling down it is important to be honest with yourself, journal, write here, and make it through the doldrums without writhing to escape. Feel your pain; do not seek unnecessary pain. If by success you mean securing a decent man.

It would be nice to be married to a lovely man, sure, but at the moment I am working toward getting everything I can from being singe and enjoying time with myself.

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I think people do get there but sometimes I do wonder how long this thinking of him is going to last! Like you said Sandy, we are strong enough to maintain NC, so we are strong enough to endure the bad spells. I remember when I was about 20 many moons ago and I broke it off with a douchebag I was dating not an AC, but just a young punk who may have grown into a responsible dude by now, who knows? Anyway, months later I found out that his mother died, and I knew that he was very close to her.

The feelings can be created, though, even from those innocent moments. Yes, we can create feeling and try to revive the cycle without consciously knowing what we are doing. I just remind myself that they are just material possessions and the world is full of pearl earrings. I left some earplugs at ex EUMs he snored like a drunkard with sleep apnoea. I expect he saved them to give to his next unsuspecting victim…. Is it normal to end a 2-year, seemingly normal and healthy, relationship, without any warning or explanation and immediately go completely NC on the other person?

Everything was fine until the last minute. TBH I am glad that he went total NC, as that allowed me to step back and evaluate the last two years of my life and my relationship with him. I now have no desire of getting together with this man again, neither do I miss him anymore. Re the topic of this post, no I do not plan to wish him a happy birthday when it rolls around in a few more months. Which is definitely a good thing for us both. After future faking and fast forwarding, my seven month relationship ended abruptly over the course of a weekend — that was about three months ago.

On Saturday I spent the entire day with him and his kids on the beach, talking about future plans. Then on Monday,he decides to tell me that he could not imagine getting married again after what his ex wife put him through that day. And although he still loved me, he knew that marriage was something I wanted and a deal breaker for me, and because of his change of heart, obviously he recognized we could no longer continue the relationship. I wished him well, and immediately started no contact — I was in pain.

School ended, and after three months, a new job, a new place, and short-lived romance, I reached out to the ex on his birthday. One thing led to another, we went back to our old habits, even though we no longer lived in the same state any more. So I asked him to stop in my state on his way back from his vacation, which he gently thanked me for the invitation, but decline because he did not have extra travel time for I suppose are valid reasons. He needed to get his kids ready for the start of school. Naturally my feelings were hurt.

So, the next day he emailed to tell me how much he has missed me and our friendship, and that he wants me to be in his life forever — everything was always on his terms. He has no idea — until now I suppose. However, now I have complete guilt issues. Should I have told him that I need NC? Apart of me is also angry, because I refuse to be part of his ex girlfriend harem.

When we were dating, he had this one particular ex-girlfriend who was always texting him, being needy, asking him to do things and accepting boundaries. I have no issues staying in touch with exes, but this was excessive. I am not going to be one of those girls. Knowing that I will probably never speak to him again makes me so sad. As if we just broke up last week — the feelings are so raw, I find myself obsessively thinking of him, ruminating about the relationship, and missing him.

Please tell me it gets better. He really screwed with your head — his change of feelings, re. He then demonstrated with action — or lack of — by not having any free time to se the woman he cared for so deeply. Girl, this man has shown and told you repeatedly that there is no future. This man is a waste of time!

Keep up the block, and do not contact him. He will figure it out. Time to move on with your life! Sorry to be so harsh, just trying to spare you more pain, by being drawn back into this situation. Still feeling the pain, but this is for the best. I normally never look back after a break-up, but this one really messed with my head. He was so good with his kids and taught them to be respectful and kind to others, so I just never thought he would be so unkind to me in such a manner, especially when only three weeks prior to that we declared our love for each other.

This too shall pass, and there is something better out there for me. Getting there, I would say that, with time and the help of BR I read almost daily, but very rarely comment , I have had success ridding myself of some pretty intense feelings I had related to a failed 10 month relationship I had with an EUM at work in another state.

Thank goodness, I did not have to see him on a regular basis, though I have experienced some pretty tense monuments when he was in the home office or I had to visit his location. He was not an AC, and I was the one to end things, because I was not happy with his level of involvement in the relationship. I would have to say that my recovery is based almost solely on the realization that I had to work on myself and develop other aspects of my life that provide satisfaction and a sense of well-being.

I realized my mistake was getting involved with someone too soon after my divorce. I had not yet reconciled my feelings related to the breakup of that 15 year relationship before jumping back into another, and much of the angst I experienced was a carryover from my failed marriage. Several months later, I met a completely EA man while participating in a long time hobby.

I still see the exEUM sometimes, and after a long period of personal NC we still had to communicate for work occasionally , I am able to deal with him in a relatively relaxed manner. It is clear he still has feelings for me, but his situation has not changed at all. If the conversation turns the least but personal, I politely cut it short. He attributes the change to my new relationship, but honestly, boy friend or not, I am not willing to trade my hard-earned peace of mind for what little he might have to offer. Best wishes to you. There is somebody in this world who did the same thing as I did: I now value my own quiet mind and am content he is in my past.

Strangely enough he sent text today which I deleted. NC for 3 months now. Its been three days so far and this time i think this is it crosses fingers. Right now I am going threw the breadcrumb stage. Im looking for him to contact me a text, call or just show up at my home so I can tell him to piss off. I know him so well its crazy first he will text and will get no response from me. Next its the calls reject maybe a few voice mails. Last but not least a visit.

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I am so tired of this cycle it has me drained but like a bad addiction of mine. I know how it all plays out but the catch is the end result will be different!!!!

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I know it has to be done and I am preparing myself for it. This man has treated me so badly why am i even wanting him to even contact me? I see and i know the answer but what is holding me back? Just fear of closing the door on 9 years up down hot cold good bad. Mostly Bad i made a list. Some days are better then most. BR has helped me so much and will continue to help me on this road to recovery!!!! I look to my parents and see how my mom has stayed with an abusive AC for 50 years! Change is scary, but holding on to something bad is scarier. He sends me crumbs in texts. I feel like I am how old?

If you have something significant to say, then say it, but I am done. He knows what I want a real relationship and if he is not able to go there, then what the fuck is he doing? What is the point? Tired of all these WTF crumbs. I immersed myself in working on non-stop number crunching, barely lifting my head. Trying to exhaust myself so all I can do is crash when I get home. In the morning, I had re-read journals from last August. Reading it is a good reminder and helps me stay resolved not to try again.

But it also makes me feel shitty. They also want me to get back out there.

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I appreciate the support here. Learning alot from all of you. That is precisely why I am burning mine all of the information I needed to know was there in the beginning, but I chose to ignore it all. Even on here not so long ago I came across a comment of mine from which I could copy and paste nothing had changed except the year to Today was fun I was planting trees and hammering in stakes which I pretended was his head I called him several names with each bang and felt like finally I was releasing some pent up anger.

It is still early days for you. Remembering and piecing it together is part of grieving. Be gentle with you. Remember, it takes as long as it takes. Give yourself that gift. I feel like I may as well not exist. Lacy, Give this friend a date and time to collect said table then I would block all mutual friends on facebook who are passing messages onto you — if they were true friends they would not be doing this.

Maybe you could have a co-worker or a neighbor hand over the card table, mail, and anything else of his to the friend to give to him? Find somebody else to give him his stuff. Lacy, this is the guy who was banging on your door last week? Or am I mixing you up with someone else? Lacy, can you go away for a while? It may help you clear your head space of this dangerously unstable and manipulative man. Get out of that environment, please. He left while I was pregnant, took my rent money twice amoungst standing me up on valentines day when he agreed for us to be together.

What did I do? Took his clothes yo his mothers house at 3 am when he was gone all day when I was sad and depressed about my brother dying. I whad been off work for family leave it was sat and I was sad he left at 2 pm. We talked on the phone I asked him if we could go out I needed air because I was thinking about my brother he said ok. He said I was disrespectful. Also it was a time that I did play a game on him. I said yes but when it was time to meet him with the money I never showed up. Maybe I am not good enough to be loved the way I want to by him. I naggaged and complained. But my mind says he is with someone and the thought of him being good to someone else and not me it tears me up.

HE is the one who is bitter. HE is the one who is a drama-seeker. HE is the one who is completely and utterly out of control!!!! Do you see how childish, immature and utter crazy he is??? If his damn card table, was THAT important, he would have taken it. You, dear girl, hold the power and the keys. Go NC, take care of yourself and let the slug slither back into the hole he slithered out of in the first place. I am noticing that my desire to contact my ex is heightened if there are other stresses going on — I have had lots of stresses the past fortnight relating to my job and the desire to reach out to the ex is palpable.

I read somewhere that in AA they try to be aware that alcohol beckons when they are hungry, angry, lonely, tired HALT …. Is it just the loneliness? I suck it and saw with my ex of on-and-off-again of 11 years. I felt emotionally raped, after yet another episode of me feeling vulnerable and open and him suddenly throwing out accusations, blame and just nonsense that really had nothing to do with me or even the conversation at hand.

It used to be for me, too! I called in all of my learning from the past 3 years. I feel emotionally raped…do I tell him? Done, done and DONE. This was about 10 days before his birthday, 2 weeks ago and I totally forgot about it until after the fact and seeing this post. For the first 3 days, it felt so challenging. My heart ached and burned.

Instead of beating myself up, I loved myself for keeping my heart open, for being courageous, for being human. I felt scared I was throwing away something precious and valuable and making a Big Mistake. Saying all the right things to make me feel good and relaxed and trusting, then BAM, out of nowhere with The Crazy. Over and over again. There was a lot more that I noticed, finally, that was just like….

Glad you are done sunyata! I had 10 yrs of the same nonsense. Opposite situation for me. It was my bday a few weeks ago. My ex left a heartfelt message saying the nicest things abt me. For a second I felt like talking to him and of course missed the good side. But I trusted my instincts which were to ignore. I will never fool myself into thinking we could be friends.

I played that game way too many times and got burnt bad. Trust your gut and choices describes it well! Glad for us both!

As for the card table, let his friend not yours clearly know that u will set it out on ur porch for a week. After that date week has passed. Put it out w the trash. Sandy,Tanzanite, good that you asked those questions. I now realize that no, I was not completely available and the reason the marriage broke down was because I did AC things to push her over the edge and fall out of love with me even though because of me she was able to achieve many of her goals in life except one: The AC behavior had to do with job dissatisfaction and escapists fantasies in which we were to go travel and live a romantic life in a beach paradise.

I did well in my job, yet for many years wanted to escape the reality of hard work, life responsibilities, getting older,etc. I have to say the first marriage broke down for the same reasons. I said the second wife was completely available because she met another man also available and they now have a wonderful daughter, he moved countries for her, so their long distance relationship worked out because they both wanted the same thing. Their life is tough, she works a lot at a bank, and he too works full time European hours from home taking care of the baby at the same time.

Their family is only getting stronger and I feel kind of happy for her. I loved her and cared a lot. When we see each other we talk about our lives, and kind of give some support by not rejecting each other because of what happened. Same with the first wife who did not find anyone better. I think there is another way beyond No Contact advocated here when people truly care for each other.

As far as my ex-girlfriend, I liked her a lot. However, from the beginning I knew she was not for me perhaps I am wrong, she was really into me. But it did not matter. Ladies, we, men, KNOW if we are into you or not, just like you do. I have to agree with Natalie on this one: Some are true hunters but most, like me are just ignorant ACs, so protect yourselves by first talking to them and getting some clarity about their true intentions. When I love a woman I will tell her so, I will make a commitment, I will move in, etc. I still may act in childish ways because this is what I am used to.

I want to change it, I will do better next time, I hope. I let this last amazing woman go after 4 months honestly because I felt I was not that interested romantically after all Thanks to BR. Today she called to wish me happy birthday, we chatted normally, we will be friends, nobody was hurt.

However, the woman I was in love with after my second wife, to who I committed and lived with a little will not call. She got hurt by my AC behavior, asked to break up nicely, I just could not let her go and made it difficult. She cut contact, took me almost a year to accept and stop bothering her thanks to BR. I wish she would stay in my life as friend. I know she was reading BR, I saw it on her computer once. She applied all the knowledge to me.

It hurt, but I only have myself to blame. I really hope she is happy now, I loved her. I started reading this site every day a year ago and got depressed and angry at myself. Perhaps this is why I did not keep my last girlfriend I broke up with nicely: I no longer like myself enough to be with a woman as cool as she. Who knows when that will change. It helps to hear the male perspective. If a man is not putting in the effort or stops putting in effort and my gut says he is not really that interested in me….. I should listen to my gut.

I did that recently, even though new guy seemed interested at first, he blew cold pretty quickly so I walked away and left it alone. So, now he is an acquaintance, nothing more. He flirted with me, texted me a flurry, and hinted at physical closeness yes, but that is not a promise or a commitment, or even a fair assessment of interest.

It was just flirting. I get it now. It involves believing the information in front of me instead of inserting what I think he means colored by my hopes and fantasy. What do you consider harsh? It seems you really are EU and it will always give way to AC behavior in a desperate attempt to regain your freedom.

The first wife of yours wanted a stable family and children and you were EU That is a deal breaker The second wife of yours will find it easy to be friends with you because she now has the love of a good man and a child too she is happy. She over invested emotionally and will have to build herself back up again.

Will you be so sorry that you never mess anyone about again because you now know the pain it causes? In these three situations you had the upper hand. When faced with being dumped by the girl you really liked it hurt a lot. You were bothering her for a long time. You no longer had the upper hand-She did. No contact is the only answer to an AC who has destroyed your self esteem and seems to have had no conscience in doing it. I know it might seem like I have had a bit of a go at you but I have seen it from the other side. Men and women both have the same responsibilities to make a relationship work.

It an equal partnership and just as us women have had to learn from our mistakes and not allow ourselves to be taken advantage of, the men need to learn from their mistakes and stop taking advantage simply because they can. I appreciate your perspective but it really does boil down to BOTH parties participating, being respectful and open and not trying to manipulate or control. Too many ACs manipulate, control, disrespect, devalue, are emotionally abusive and, frankly, total creeps who are into and get off on the power they feel in a relationship.

Rosie,marie,sandy,2fearce,the friend came and picked ip his card table and the mail. The friend instructed me to sit it outside my back door. The friend and I had a lil friction on facebook because whatever he told him was as though I was holding his card table and mail hostage. I was so impressed when I read this he went and sat in his car after calling you a bitch and verbally abusing you in other selfish, self centred and arrogant ways. What you now describe is simply more clear evidence of his manipulative nature. Hope you can get out of this toxic emotional environment and continue to stand your ground against this weak and pathetic manipulator.

Lacy, can you get away for awhile? Is there anyone you can stay with out of town who has your best interests in mind and no connections with him? He and his cohorts are wrong about you Lacy…they are bad people and their narcissism is affronted because you have dared to stand your ground. That was a deliberate tactic to make you feel bad, take the bait and he wants you to tell him you have been a bitch and you have been wrong.

You have great strength. I appreciate hearing you messages of success and hope. I Regret contacting him last week after a year of NC to let him know he infected me with high risk HPV and that as a result I would be having surgery due to a precancerous cervical condition. I made sure I told him I was letting him know so that he could be aware he carries the virus as I dont wish anyone else this horrible experience. His reply was to say he gets checked for STDS every year and is always clean, that I probably was infected by someone else before him in more than 8 years he is the only person I have been with.

Little does he know that HPV is not detectable in men. Now I feel bad I broke NC for this reason and another problem is that we work together and he is now dating another coworker that is 15 years younger than him. All this is so uncomfortable. Have you doctor or the Health Department through your doctor contact him and explain that HPV cannot be detected in men and that anyone he is currently with or has been with needs to be contacted for testing. That IS their job. And from now on, maintain strict NC. Woe to her for being involved with this gem of a man.

Healing yourself and keeping this jerk out of your life IS your concern. Sorry you have to deal with his. I hope it turns out well for you and wish you a speedy recovery. I too, had to contact my ex after a break, to notify of an amoebic parasitic infection from travel to Asia- I was advised to pass on the info as it was contagious. I hated having to make contact, but knew it had to be done.

You did your best. Getting back with your ex when the reason for the breakup hasn't changed. Remember - It's Broken, You're Not. Comments Yes, yes, and yes. Sala, I am so sorry for your loss. Dear Lizzp, Thinking of you. Yes, go light on the salt, and take it easy on yourself. Kaz and MaryW, I changed my phone number after initiating no contact. And I was just so sick of being so available to everyone, yet not to myself. So sorry for your loss. Sending warm hugs your way and wishing you continued strength. That all sounds like a lovely group for a festival! MaryW, That was another thing I had to learn: Be selective in who gets the digits.

Clutter free all the way. Peanut, I often turn my phone off now, or put it in a drawer, or leave it in another room for a few hours. Hi Ya, Sorry to hear about your breaking NC: Does anyone else write, journal, etc.? Besides here, I mean. Able, Does anyone journal?! I fill notebooks with my thoughts. Then I shred them. I write in a feelings and food journal each day.

Really 99 cent ones will do. Nothing fancy needed for this. Just go with what feels right for you. Which ever way you choose, good luck! Natalie, Yes super jelly! The color of that bag is yummy. Sue, I have been there believe me! So, if the ex emails, does the NC clock start all over again? Mr Able The clock only starts over if you reply. Use the technology to support your NC. Godspeed and may the force be with you. Then I switched paths and I am closer to home. Although ,I probably was with the AC I was seeing There is no easy way to end a relationship and if the person loves you it is going to hurt a lot.

Getting there, If by success you mean not being attracted to the most vile men on the planet? Getting there I have found peace of mind but there is no man involved. Revolution, I really got a lot out of reading your comment. Beb, He really screwed with your head — his change of feelings, re. Micheyl Its been three days so far and this time i think this is it crosses fingers. Love to you Enough.