How to lose a girl in 10 seconds:the UN-Pick Up Lines collection

And if it didn't, Don Diebel would just look like a lonely idiot whose greatest ambition was to get away with sexual assault -- the exact thesis of his last book. Let's see how things worked out. Once again, all typos and grammatical errors have been respectfully left in. It describes the different types of men you'll run into in the nightclub. Watch out for The Woman-Hater! He only came here to get cranky when women offer him- hold on, this sounds way too familiar. No, he couldn't have.

The Top 10 Pickup Lines For Every Type Of Guy Out There

This maniac actually knows so little about women that he thinks he can search-and-replace pronouns in a pussy-grabbing handbook and it will work as woman's guide to finding love. When I realized he rewrote the same book again , only with different pronouns, I thought, "OK, but he's going to take out the section on banging hitchhikers, right? All he did was add three sentences to assure the eager female reader that while it is dangerous, she still has at least a 51 percent chance of surviving sex in her car with a destitute drifter.

But before you jump on that "golden opportunity," girls, keep in mind that these statistics are only the casual speculation of a lonely man who dreams of one day porking a hitchhiker. They are not official numbers from a census of highway stabbing incidents. If you're luring junkie male strippers home with cocaine, you're operating at the very highest level of finding Mr.

Right and Don Diebel can teach you no more.

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You started as a sad woman with a book and an unused lap. Now you have a man who loves your cocaine and cares about your cocaine, but who needs to leave soon to rub his balls on a birthday party. And he will remain faithful to you until the very moment a different person has cocaine. On behalf of all women and everyone who believes in true love, thank you, Don Diebel. Maybe I didn't give Don enough credit for his ability to adjust to feminine thinking. He made a few changes other than search-replacing the pronouns in his manual for beginner sex predators. For instance, in the male version of the book, the astrology section was about tricking gullible women into your home to pretend to do astrology.

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In the female version, there's a bit of astrology. One chapter of the female version of his book was four pages about where you can meet horny rich men. This replaced a chapter for the men devoted to infiltrating swinger communities. He may not be a smart man, but Don has been kicked out of enough orgies to know that women prefer cash prizes to group sex.

A Woman's Guide To Meeting Men -- the female reboot of the previous reboot of an unpublishable book -- didn't work out, Don knew he had to innovate. His keen mind, honed by years of imagining vulvas, thought: This joyless list of business hours and addresses contained pages, eight grainy photos, and several short descriptions of what things like art galleries and senior citizen centers are as basic concepts.

If you were in the Houston area in the early '90s and wished the Yellow Pages were harder to navigate and written by a pervert, it made the perfect gift. Unfortunately, this was not a large enough group of people to make the book a hit. So after publishing one pick-up artist book three different ways and one Houston Yellow Pages spec script, Don spent eight years coming up with his realest idea yet. It was a book about picking up chicks, but focusing on the only part he'd ever experienced: On the book jacket, he described himself as "America's 1 Singles Expert and one of the nation's leading experts on dating and relationships.

The book was also published on CD-ROM, but instead of featuring a hot chick getting seduced in a bar, Don used clip art of what seems to be a hospitality worker explaining to a passenger that his mother just fell off the back of the cruise ship. A strange choice, and also one irrelevant to anything I'll be discussing!

Let's take a look inside:. Women love honesty, but they also love mystery, which makes this a perfect line, because she will find this honesty very mysterious. And then you have her right where you want her, engaging in the sensual game of cat and mouse that is seduction. She's thinking, "Did this elderly man really fuck a breach into his blow-up doll, or does he have a poor sense of humor and no judgement?

At first this seems like innocent wordplay, but it's so much more. This line subliminally recreates that erotic feeling that only exists between the moment you open a Valentine's Day card from a child and the moment you place it in the trash. She will be overwhelmed with a sense of predictable, expected disappointment. If you built a robot to package toothpaste and it left the factory to go house to house tearing the teeth from every mouth it found, it would be better at its job than this line is at picking up women.

This one isn't bad, Don, but the default human greeting seems a bit obvious for a book promising "Sure-fire opening lines for meeting, attracting, and seducing women" from "America's 1 Singles Expert. I'm sorry, no woman has ever let me talk this long. This is such an amazing combination of stupid, confusing, and pathetic that I think Don has given up trying to seduce ladies and now he's simply searching for the secret cheat code to turn off a woman's nervous system. There is one good thing about this pick-up line, though: If the club is too noisy for her to hear you, you can communicate the exact same thing by sadly holding out a condom while your own pants fill with pee.

Which, if I'm not mistaken, is the Diebel family crest. This opening line can really move things along, but it only works on Alzheimer's patients who are willing to have sex with the men they think are their children. No, she's still not Italian, Don. Are you fucking stupid? Why did you write a book promising 1, conversation starters if the only nine honest conversations you can have are about swingers magazines? Don, when your pick-up lines are so dull you can't remember them from earlier on the same fucking page of your own book, how are they going to work on the real women laughing at the little mustache you grew to hide your chimpanzee lips?

How many times will you ask them if they're Italian while they're telling the bouncer you were smelling their bar stools? A million dollars says the closest you've ever come to actual sex is when you found a pizza pocket in your swimming trunks. You miserable fuck, Don Diebel. While she's lubricating from your Laffy Taffy cleverness, follow this line up with "That counts! I'm entitled to a phone call! I need to tell my mother I met a girl! Let's imagine this in a best-case scenario.

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Let's say this woman alone at the bar has no defenses against aggressive perverts. Let's say she believes there was a fart and that it wasn't you, Don Diebel, the man giving local fart updates to strangers. Say she abandons her drink and runs outside with the obvious pervert screaming about farts. Does this seem reasonable, Don? Because we're not done.

Don, you seem to think a woman's mood can be manipulated with suggestion and imperceptible body language. If that's true, and we're just playing games now because it isn't, wouldn't it work in the opposite direction? Don't you think running up to her with a butt smell emergency might undo the 40 seconds you spent trying to get her to look at your dick?

By your own science, you've implanted yourself in her subconscious as the bar-clearing fart guy, Don. And no one steps out on their husband with the bar-clearing fart guy. Of course this guy has a feet thing. Jesus Christ, Don, at this point you might as well ask for her address and if it's OK for you to keep any Maxi Pads she throws out. This isn't how meeting people works or how licking people works. The nicest thing anyone has ever said about Don Diebel is this quote I wrote for the back of his next book: Most sexual predators hide their dark intentions behind charm until it's far too late!

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You probably know this is the desperate act of a sex criminal and wouldn't work. If you did this one million times, you would see zero boobs and be the least popular man in prison.

50 Dirty Pick-Up Lines to Use on Men You Like | Love Dignity

Someone out there might actually do it. Billionaires are noted eccentrics. That's almost 40 years past puberty, and he still cannot even imagine what it would look like if a woman said a second thing to him. There's no way anyone is this bad with women. If you told me this book was a marketing scheme created by the pepper spray industry, I would pretend I knew it all along.

I've made fun of a lot of the stuff in this book, but this one is just good writing. Approaching a woman as if you have an emergency and then revealing you're only a horny idiot works in any situation. Hi, are you Italian? Can Italians catch herpes on their feet? Let the record show: America's 1 Singles Expert suggests, in his chapter on daddy-themed pick-up lines , that you should tell a woman her dad makes you horny with a trumpet pun.

If hundreds of miracles simultaneously take place and you find yourself in a relationship with the woman you say this to, this opening line will torment her every moment. At night, she will lay awake remembering how you introduced yourself. She'll think about it when you're inside her. She'll go onto pervert forums and trumpet subreddits, desperately looking for answers.

Please, what does it mean? Fuck your frigid soul, Don Diebel. You would lick a hole into an old shoe if you thought a female garbage collector touched it. This book contains an entire chapter of Beavis And Butthead pick-up lines. Not similar in theme to Beavis And Butthead , but direct quotes and references to the cartoon.

I don't have a joke about that; I just want you to know it exists. Don also included a chapter specifically about picking up topless dancers with lines like "What's your real name? Don Diebel is absolutely the lonely man in the strip bar earnestly seeking a human relationship. If you asked any stripper to list the cliches this type of man says, she could write, word-for-word, Don Diebel's chapter on picking up topless dancers. As he went into the year , Don was a year-old man offering sex to sex workers with all the allure of a cockroach feeding on Charlie Sheen's blood.

And things didn't get much better in the next decade. The s were a slow time for Diebel's publishing. His first five books were the dark fantasies of a monster too sheepish to go through with a real kidnapping. He was a second penis on the only panda in a zoo -- useless in ways too obvious and depressing to get into. Dwell magazine did an interview with him, not as a pick-up artist, but as a lamp expert. Apparently, they saw an article on his website about romantic lighting, and thought he would be the perfect expert to review three modern lamps.

Each of his reviews were the incoherent ramblings of someone you would only describe as a non-lamp-expert, but that's not important. What's important is it revealed Don Diebel had a website , and it's exactly what you'd expect. And these are not products for presentable men looking to enhance their desirability -- Getgirls.

His approach to women is percent "You're barely slime, so why not try groveling and titty-grabbing. It sells pheromone perfume for inventive rapists and hypnosis tapes for horny magicians. But selling snake oil for inflatable-doll-scented penises wasn't as successful as you might imagine, so Don tried one last time to write a book on scoring babes.

This book is pathetic, yes, but not like the others. This one mostly focuses on how to deal with the overwhelming depression that comes with being Don Diebel. It's less a guide to crushing ass and more of a training manual for a crisis hotline volunteer. The entries are self-help mantras like "Cure for the blues 10 " and "How to be happy 14 ," which take up less than a whole page put together. And 30 is just "How to eat Italian food," with a couple of tips on table manners.

But let me tell you about Oh, holy shitting fuck, Imagine the erotic memoirs of a year-old virgin who never learned to write and still isn't sure which of the blobs is the mons pubis. That's what I'm about to show you. The 29th Guaranteed Way to Succeed with Women is called "My date from hell," and it's an un-proofread account of Don Diebel's greatest sexual triumph:. One of the reasons Diebel's pick-up lines are so bad is that half-naked women jump on him before he can practice them. And if you're thinking none of this happened, which of these two scenarios is more likely?

A sad man with a history of bad ethics falsifies an unverifiable and unlikely story in which he's highly motivated to lie. The hottest girl, like, ever gets into a vehicle alone with a non-handsome elderly man as he's trying to drive over sunbathers. Oh, you weren't expecting a C, ladies? It was to catch you off-guard so I could subliminally end this sentence with three sexually charged words penis, butt, penis.

Show me your bush. Assuming this date really happened and aren't we being cute , Don offered to drive Hot Bikini Girl to his place. She agreed, but instead of a wild night of romance, they discovered Don left his dog home alone with no water while he was cruising for hard bodies. It was comatose from dehydration.

This means in an imaginary story wherein Diebel controls every detail, he nearly murders his own dog and can't close the deal with the loose stranger who came to his house for sex. But don't give up yet. We're not even close to done. OK, so Don Diebel killed his dog, but not before it got way more action from his date than he did. Despite the loss of his best friend, Don was still in the mood for love. Obviously, he could drive back to the beach to find a replacement hot girl, maybe even one who hadn't watched a dog die on her own mouth that afternoon.

But Diebel was going to finish what he started -- he took the same girl to dinner, on a helicopter tour of the city, to a nightclub, and then to the pier, his beloved dead companion still lingering on her breath. None of the date was going well.

She flirted with other men, Don picked a fight with her, and she jumped into a lake and nearly died. But you don't get to be America's 1 Singles Expert by giving up easily. Don took the wet girl he hated back to his house, where he planned to have meaningless sex mere feet from a bag of dog food to go forever uneaten. That was quite an adventure, right? So, Houston police, there's a really good chance Don is describing the time he killed his dog, drugged a woman, and threw her body in a lake. The only part of the story I percent believe is that Don couldn't get laid even with the world's sluttiest girl over the course of eight location changes.

Don reprinted this story on a self-help! My Date From Hell. But do that later, because we're about to enter the s, the decade when Don Diebel truly lost his entire mind. Tony and Thayer then rush to Andie's side and beg her to keep quiet, when they do not realize she is still blissfully unaware of the bet. Upon learning of Ben's bet, Andie attempts to humiliate Ben in front of everyone at the party, and the pair argue on stage.

They go their separate ways before Ben is shown Andie's article and encouraged to read it. She explains in it how she "lost the one person she ever fell for", and when he hears she quit her job at Composure and is on her way to Washington, D. Once he accuses her of running away, they reveal their true feelings for each other and the film ends with Ben instructing the taxi driver to return Andie's belongings to her home, and then they kiss. Gwyneth Paltrow and director Mike Newell were originally attached to the project but producer Lynda Obst was unable to get Newell to commit to a date and Paltrow went on to work on the film View from the Top.

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days received mixed reviews from critics. Metacritic gave the film a score of 45 out of , based on 31 critics, indicating "mixed or average reviews". The site's critical consensus reads: From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days Theatrical release poster. This section may be confusing or unclear to readers. March Learn how and when to remove this template message. Retrieved 30 July Films directed by Donald Petrie. Retrieved from " https: Wikipedia articles needing clarification from March All Wikipedia articles needing clarification Articles using small message boxes.

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