How to Get Divorced and NOT Screw Up Your Kids

You are both responsible for their pain, no matter who caused the divorce. Make sure you spend time to help them safely through the grief cycle. Don't stop being parents - So your 'romantic, sexual' relationship is over but your parenting responsibilities aren't. Your ex may have cheated on you and you are hurt, I get it, but you are still parents and you need to parent together. If you have any chance of getting your children through your divorce, then you need to put your feelings aside and focus on the children.

If you cannot communicate about anything else, please work hard to find a way to communicate about your children for the sake of your children.

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Banish all conversations about anything but them, if you have to. The difference it makes is phenomenal. Get top stories and blog posts emailed to me each day. Newsletters may offer personalized content or advertisements.

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Like all mums I'm sure, I wanted the best for my kids. I was conscious they were getting older, and I knew that as the years went on their life experiences and influences would become more cemented. What they had grown to know at that point about their family dynamic was not what I wanted them to experience ongoing.

On the surface, life looked OK, but beneath, the environment around them was not harmonious. People kept telling me that kids were resilient and they'd manage if I separated, but I was scared of the unknown. Being a single mum of two-year-old twins at the time was not what I'd signed up for, and with my mum and sister going through their own troubles, I knew the support around me would be limited.

What I have come to learn is that if a separation is handled in the right way -- and what I mean by that is that your kids' well-being drives the process of separation rather than your own ego -- it is possible for your kids to transition well.

Fundamentally, because I allowed their needs -- not the hurt and anger I felt at the time -- to drive the process. Our kids are here to teach us many valuable things about ourselves, some of which we won't like, but if we embrace this knowledge, we can learn to heal and, eventually, to love who we transition into. Of course, there have been heartbreaking moments where my kids were upset and could not be consoled for a while.

In that moment, the only thing you can do to soothe them is to sit quietly with them, cuddle them, and reassure them that you are there. To me, there is no point in brushing their feelings away by saying it's OK because clearly, in that moment, it's really not OK for them. I want to encourage my kids to express their emotions, to allow their emotions to rise, not to push them down and pretend all is well.

I stuffed my emotions down for years and I can see the impact that has had on me. Rather than learning to express the underlying emotions and get choked up or make myself vulnerable, I tended to raise my voice to prove that I was handling it all. That acknowledgment with markers and chalk and bubble letters feels good, even when our world is tilting uncomfortably. Randolph recommends that parents support themselves with professional help, like a parenting coordinator or counselor.

One divorcing mom shared what many others have told me over the last decade: Expect the process to take longer than you expect mine certainly did. Prepare yourself, support yourself, make note that this is a marathon and you will need the fuel of sleep, food, smart finances, exercise and allies.

Keep a family gratitude journal. Fill your halls with smiling photos of loved ones.

Host dinner parties, even if your home is messy. Tell your child about a funny or happy memory you have from a time with their other parent. Find books about kids with two homes.

Schedule a massage, a sitter, a nap. Have ice cream for dinner once in a while. Have your kid say thank you , write a nice note to someone, tell you what makes him feel safe, protected and giggly. Jessica wears inappropriately high heels to the playground and is the mother of a Rainbow Looming 9-year old. The proof is in the pile of plastic bracelets at the bottom of her purse. How to Tell Children About Divorce.

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