Gary the Worlds Worst Elf Ever!

I spent the rest of that year without any friends at all. They continued playing games. I spent the rest of the year just reading. I kept going back to that adventure, wondering what I did wrong. Why did my friends hate me so much? They were prepared for the consequences. They knew their characters might die… why were they so pissed at me? It was only later when my parents approached the parents of the boy who hit me that I was able to talk to my friends again. With all of them present, I finally apologized.

But after that apology, we talked a little while. And we all agreed we should try the adventure again with the same characters. They played through it. After four weeks of sessions, they defeated the lich as the center of the tomb and got away with all the treasure. I made up saving throws for stuff that was instant kills. I dropped them hints.

I had never modified an adventure before. Tomb of Horrors was the one that showed me how. Much later, I would see similar mechanics in other games and I smiled. The adventure completely transformed me as a GM. It made me re-think my role with the players. As we look back at our lives, we see patterns and chapters. Tomb of Horrors was an important moment in my life, both as a GM, a game designer and as a friend.

And it took the Worst Adventure Ever Written to make me understand that.

Much later in life, I met the author of that adventure. Gary and I were on a game design panel together. To teach players a lesson and put them in their place. And I remembered being twelve years old, seeing my role as the GM in that light. Fast forward even more years. Am I in the wrong room? I know all the traps and stuff. Ran my tongue over my teeth. I play a thief. How does that sound? I made up my standard thief character the kid from the tavern and the other players joined us. The GM had characters ready for them and handed them out. To their credit, the players considered that notion for a moment… then agreed they wanted to play the adventure.

And bought the one and only magic item I wanted. The rest of the players agreed to not go down that corridor. We then approached the second corridor. If we walk down that corridor and try to open one of the two doors, a stone wall drops down, trapping us in. The walls then collapse on us, crushing us. We started walking down the corridor with me checking for traps every ten feet.

When we got to the end of the corridor, we encountered the green devil face. With a mouth just big enough to fit inside. The GM looked at me. The players started debating whether or not to get in. The player agreed and dropped off his pack. Then, he climbed into the mouth and vanished. They agreed, left their stuff behind, got into the demon mouth and vanished. So, the third player just climbed in—without leaving behind their stuff—and vanished.

Just thought you should know. I only recently played TOH and I found it boring and frustrating as hell. And of course I died. I love this article and mostly, because I have played for 38 years nearly all of them as a Dungeon Master and have concluded that the story is OUR story. The adventures are OUR adventures. I utterly despise DMs that make it a contest.

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Or go out of their way to limit what players want to do. Granted, sometimes they need a little push, or a pull in the right direction to keep things moving. But I try to always leave holes that the players fill in with their own imaginations or even paranoia.

You laughed at and taunted your friends when their characters died? Gee, I wonder why you got a punch in the face? I have had nothing but good GMs and am learning to GM AND have a mental problem and I still have more imagination in one cell of my brain than you will ever have in your entire thought process let alone your brain. As for all the swearing, that just proves that you are low class and can not articulate a thought.

What an incredible story, and a well writen highly entertain story! Thanks for sharing, brings back a lot of great, and not so great, memories. I also have a G. I might have bought a Talisman of the Sphere instead. I have a character that has been through this dungeon twice. A Kender Handler in 2nd edition. Lost a few fellow adventurers the first time and completed it through Kender luck, rogue skill, and because I was carrying a couple of cursed items that actually saved my life. We killed the lich But had no idea of the demi-lich. Sold the treasure, and I returned with a new group of adventurers same DM when we heard rumor of evil still lurking in the Tomb.

Because I knew where everything was and 15th level instead of 10th we sailed through with nary an incident and this time killed the Demi-lich. Tarnick Rabbitsfoot still refers to the Tomb az Disneyland. So much sentimental negativity over one module because of past transgressions? I am sorry but no — there are almost no instant kill traps in a game where you can divine the future by communicating with your gods to ask them questions or summon cannon fodder and sent it forward to test the waters.

There are many things that experienced players can and will do — no matter the edition mind you — to test for traps. A tough unfair dungeon design to kill of boasters? Gary has pretty much said it plainly. But still careful thought and powerful characters can and will brave it and will probably come out in one piece….

If you choose to run a valued character in ToH, then you had better act like you value that character. As much as I still find John in the wrong in this article; it really pains me to read some replies of people who are expressing the eaxct opposite but equally wrong sentimentality my word? For the love of gaming…. Or attributing to John mistakes that I see DMs with decades experience still make? As if friendships have not been temporarily broken over a game of footie or a girl or a wrong joke??!?!?

You are right — a good DM is all about brinksmanship. Take them to the edge, dangle them over, but only let them fall if they do it themselves. Kind of like pulling someone on an inner tube behind a boat — it is really easy to throw them off, but it takes skill to know how long they can hang on.

We had no idea what anything was. Well, a few gaming stores did exist in odd corners, in the eighties; at least in Buffalo NY. Truth be told, they were mish-mash places with comics, posters and the like, but they did have games of all sorts, and miniatures and dice and free gaming tables. The game store owners were sort of gods providing our manna— it was like belonging to a cult, then, as you describe. I did hear about Tomb of Horrors once or twice— a rumor of an adventure no one wanted to play.

Now I know why.

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Thanks for the entertaining story. I was thinking the very same thing about Buffalo. In the end, the purpose of the game is to create a story in our minds, and the role of the GM is to make it a great story. True, the story of the TPK of all your top level characters is memorable, but not enjoyable. When my group went through it, we were likewise aware of its reputation, and that awareness enabled us to approach it with enough paranoia caution to get through it without anyone dying.

That is not victim blaming, that is common sense. Here, we need to blame the DM. Did they cast detect magic? Did they try sending through inanimate objects first and scry them? My players got past the mouth without issue. Oh, and they check for curses on magic items too before using them. And then you blame the dungeon??? Your fault for picking it. But wait, you then laughed at them when they died? If you make two out of three paths into instakill, no save paths, two out of three adventurers are going to get killed.

And the most likely scenario in a dungeon should be all players escaping unharmed, not all players getting their asses drilled by saveless, soulless, pointless death-traps. So… Pot, meet kettle? Sorry John, but you are definitely splitting hairs there. You claim to hate the former, but relish your role in the latter.

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What happens during a session cannot be entirely credited to or blamed upon the DM. When pointing out why people deserve their fate, try to include the clothes they were wearing. I see that a lot online too so I guess it works sometimes. The green demon face is just a sphere of annihilation. No one thought of casting augury? A simple 2nd level clerical spell? Stepping in a sphere of annihilation is a pretty clear case of woe. We enjoyed the hell out of this module. And only one PC died, and one was maimed. They loved the challenge.

The Author is kind of a major A-hole. Sitting around like a smug jerk that already knew the answers. It take special kind of person to find that entertaining. One of them showed up with a cleric. My son just started playing. I have an original copy of this POS module, which I played in and died in 37 or 8 years ago. I was going through the old modules just a week ago trying to find an easy one just to get him started. It was like a tiptoe through fond memories.

Until I found that one. My players learned early on to be Leary of Teleports or holes in mouths that make things disappear — Because: Smart informed players have ways of dealing with instant death options..

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If a player got to th level without learning that, then perhaps that player got there too easy. Now, to those who managed the Module easily, I say: Most likely your GM wimped out, much as I did when I was running it, and gave hints, or let little clues slip in. If ToH is done deadpan and to the hilt, with players devoid of foreknowledge, characters die. Before you Brag TOO much, think hard on how your adventure truly went down. Was there that player who peeked at or knew the module and subtly helped you out? Was it really all that easy? I do subscribe to the need for mortality to be part of the game.

We used the pregenerated tournament characters included with the module. When the first character died the player asked me if she could respawn. Everyone loved it and had a great time dying. Whoever died the least got to keep the pot. Tomb of Horrors is one of my favorite adventures, but everyone need to understand what they are getting into and not take their favorite character in to die permanently.

I remember buying ToH. I read through the dungeon in preparation to have my friends run it. Rewriting portions of that Dungeon is what led me to writing almost all of their future campaigns. The fitted sheet is a special sports issue sheet which is designed for a mattress precisely one and a half inches 3. Also, the children have to be very tired and, ideally, weepy, so this event should be at the end of the six-hour sports day. The Photo Race A greyhound races-style hare is released down the track. The children have to take a picture of the hare using only a locked mobile phone that has previously been set to selfie mode and video mode.

The first child to negotiate the various locks fingerprint, PIN code, pattern , switch the phone to rear-facing photo mode, AND take a picture wins. If one of them actually gets a picture of the hare in time, he or she shall be named Prime Minister. I AM not what you would call an animal lover.



I am not saying I hate animals. Only that there is a line that should not be crossed. Nor do I bite, even if provoked. You are absolutely right! Mine just happens to be a bit further along than yours. You would wave your hands around and feel slightly queasy that it had been on your face. But the main reason we are repelled by them is because they are so stupid. It is that time of year again. I have to have my windows open in the hope that a mild breeze might find its way through my flat. But the problem with having windows open is that flies think it is perfectly acceptable to enter without an invitation.

I have vertical blinds, so when a fly enters the room, the chance that it will leave again without assistance is about as slim as that of a four-year-old boy with his head between railings. So I was disappointed when I was tidying my bedroom and a fly buzzed by my face. I waved my hands around in an attempt either a to knock the insect away; or b to win the National Speed Semaphore Championships.



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There is only one thing worse than unsuccessfully hitting a fly with your hand and that is succeeding. It skittered across the room towards the window as I recoiled in disgust. I had made it clear that this was a hostile environment for flies and that it would receive short shrift if it tried to move in with me. But, as I pointed out, flies are incredibly stupid.

It loitered near the blinds, then came back into the room, buzzing around my head. I picked up a piece of paper and closed my bedroom door. At least I could contain the problem. I edged closer and knocked it towards the open window. Game over, I thought, as I closed the window. Game on, said the fly, which had somehow missed the opening, and resumed its annoyingly random buzzing flight pattern. I pulled back the blinds and opened the window wide.

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The fly needed a much bigger target and I was happy to help. It flew at speed towards the window, and bounced off the closed pane, glass still being news to the fly community. It made another few attempts to fly through the glass, bouncing off, but each time closer to the open half of the window. Come on, I thought, no longer an enemy of the fly and now rooting for it, you can do it. The trouble with opening a window wide to give a stupid fly a better chance of leaving your bedroom unswatted is that windows are a double-edged sword.

The fly flew out of the window and, before I could let out a victory cry, it thought better of it, made a U-turn, and came back indoors…. But it is not escapism for me. It is the opposite of escapism. Love Island is everything I have spent most of my life avoiding: And all on Instagram. And so, I have decided to compile a list of things I would rather do than watch an episode of Love Island…. Watch the film Grown-Ups 2, without any sort of break, in the company of the cast of Grown-Ups 2. Use that snap I accidentally took of myself last Thursday while my phone camera was on front-facing mode as my profile picture on social media.

Drink a half-can of Coke Zero that I have forgotten about and left on a wooden dining table outdoors in the sun for two hours. Go to a pre-Christmas showing of the worst Christmas film ever made, Elf, in a novelty Christmas jumper. Have a haircut from a barber who is not my usual barber and consequently have to explain my hair to a stranger in a way that does not make me sound clinically insane. Go to a church service which has a cool name like JC4eva, has a poster with its own cool graffiti-style font, and in which guitars feature prominently.

Be taught how to ride a unicycle by a hipster with one of those handlebar moustaches, which in this case would be ironic for several reasons. Attempt to ride on a so-called hoverboard after watching a year-old son of friends do it. Except for one thing… Let me take you through the mists of time back to 30 years ago.

I was gaining on him… And then I realised something: An egg and spoon, as nature intended them. This one is not to prepare them for the future. It is just to see how they bloody like it. Jeff Goldblum from the film The Fly. It hit the frame. One more heave… The trouble with opening a window wide to give a stupid fly a better chance of leaving your bedroom unswatted is that windows are a double-edged sword.

The fly flew out of the window and, before I could let out a victory cry, it thought better of it, made a U-turn, and came back indoors… Accompanied by another fly, this one bigger, heavier, and, if anything, more stupid. And so, I have decided to compile a list of things I would rather do than watch an episode of Love Island… Negotiate Brexit.

Ride on a Northern Rail train at rush-hour in June, when the previous train had been cancelled.