Hard-boiled Wonderland und Das Ende der Welt: Roman (German Edition)

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I was jealous of him spending time with her, but I was also jealous of her because she got to spend all this time with him, and I had this idea that if I came home, we would be able to travel and we would all be together and it would be wonderful and it would be easy. When I left my job as a public defender, I would still do SOMETHING — but that was very part-time, it was a single class and it was in the evening and it never… it felt like I was a full-time mom with just this little side thing, teaching law school.

But the mistake was thinking that I would ever be able to tolerate being a full-time mother. That was not me! Because you plunged into depression. Something about the monotony of suddenly not BEING someone, you know, not having an independent identity, I just thought it was boring — boring, boring, boring.

And I became profoundly depressed. And you know, I taught for a year, and then we moved up to Berkeley and when we came here, I still had another very part-time teaching job, but then I really was a mother… for three years… with two kids, one in pre-school and one home full-time. And the one who was home full-time was sort of a constant round-the-clock nurser, a VERY good baby, you know, but it really was a very difficult time in my life.

I knew that I was depressed, certainly. But then I still insisted on doing it because I not only felt that I had to do it, I had to like it. I felt like I was failing. And what was the turning point? Was there a moment when you stood up and said: I had begun to toy with the idea of writing while I was still teaching. I was writing a lot of legal protocol, and then I started to sort of flirt with the idea of writing this murder mystery.

Initially, I had no expectation of being published. It just seemed like something I could be doing. And then I just worked away on that — not working very hard on it, just once a day, during nap time -, but after a couple of years of that you know: Did you actually tell people around you or was it something that you did in private for a while before you told people that you were working on a manuscript?

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I kept it a secret, I was terrible about that. Were you emberrassed in front of your husband, too? You know, I had made a toast on our wedding. I was horrible about that, so I kept it a secret for a long time. And then, when I gave it to him, I said: If this is garbage, I want to know. Tell me the truth! And there it was.

You know, I was always very good at writing brief. My briefs were always very good briefs and my bosses did rely on me to write these pizzazz-y briefs. But did I ever write fiction or anything?

I was a criminal defense attorney: Much of my writing was telling the stories of my clients and trying to convince the judges to be lenient. And WHAT is that — if not fiction? What are you reading right now? That sounds awesome — can you elaborate, please? The fanboys will go crazy…. And then, I always read fiction that I think will inspire… fiction that feels like the novel I am working on. So I just re-read that to pick apart how she does it. There are writers whose work I enjoyed who, if I read them right now, would be really bad for me: Did this love for reading translate to all members of your family?

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No, a couple of them read: Every year he does this project with high school students where they publish a book. I did a pitch at the dinner table, and my youngest one, at seven, he said: Is the project still in development? Are you still shopping it around? This one died a sad and lonely death, as does most stuff in Hollywood, but I always have some iron in the fire. Good luck with these pitches! Or… you know what else? There are so many! Another lie is that it can only be done… that it MUST be done in a certain way and that our children do better if we hover over them and manage every moment of their existence, and I actually think that the real truth is that our children, what they need from us, is exactly the opposite, they need from us our inattention, they need to be on their own and they need to be bored and they need to learn to navigate the world, without the… this has been a terrible lesson for me to learn, but kids need to learn to navigate the world without my constant interference!

This is a play-date for all of us. I have to spend time with these… lovely women. I want to sit and read the New York Times. The children will be fine.

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So who do you think has an interest to create this kind of image of the happy, fun-loving, easy-going mom? Where does that come from? Who gains by that public idea? I want to be her!

before 2003

I think that the current expectation that mothers are ever-present and entirely self-obligating is a curious phenomenom because JUST when women have entered the workforce in greatest numbers these past few decades, three things did happen simultaneously. So when I was a young girl and the train pulled into the station from New York City, while this was in suburban New York, all the daddies got off the train at 6.

Now the train pulls into the station and nobody gets off that train at 6 or 6. So three things have happened: Women have entered the workplace and SOMEHOW, coincidentally, the workplace has become much more demanding AND their expectations of their role as mothers have become much more demanding, so suddenly, it has become impossible to do both. So maybe the answer is just that this is what we have. And what we need to do is do our best to change it. I think the most effective way to change both work and home is to demand male participation in the home life because as soon as men realize there are — and I think European men are way ahead of American men in this thing, they are actually spending more time at home and going on paternity leave and all that — but as soon as they realize the rewards and the challenges of being intimately involved in the domestic sphere, they will demand changes in the public sphere that are necessary.

So I have my hope that that will happen. After a minute conversation, our interview ended: